Chapter 4 - Sounding Heartbeats, Urination... Jimmy, Are You Okay?

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I crawled out of bed the next morning with an aching body; every joint, muscle, bone and extremity hurt more than the worst pain I had ever felt, and I couldn't figure out why for the life of me. I chalked it up to having bad luck until I remembered I swam an Olympic marathon for sixteen Michael Phelpses the day before trying to save myself from drowning out at sea.

I sluggishly shuffled out of my room to the bathroom to urinate only to find that the toilet had somehow exploded. The base of it was completely ripped out of the floor. The porcelain bowl was blown to smithereens, and water from the shattered tank flooded the tile floor. The whole thing was flipped upside down like the fresh prince of Bel-Air's life.

Kayla passed by the bathroom doorway. I called to her, and she stopped floating towards the stairs and grimaced at me. "What happened to the toilet?" I asked her.

She looked me dead in the eyes and responded, "I sharted."

I knitted my brows and stared at her with a perplexed expression. "Okay, this might sound like a dumb question," I began, "but how do you break wind, leak a bit of poop, and blow up the toilet?"

She hovered into the bathroom and sat in the sink. She shrugged. "I ate a burrito at Taco Bell while me and the fam were in Hell yesterday," she answered halfheartedly. "You know, it do be like that sometimes."

I threw my head back and let out a pained groan. "Now I gotta use the toilet in Mom and Dad's room. I hate going in there. Dad has all those creepy mannequins that just stare at you with dead, empty, lifeless eyes... assuming they're even the ones that have eyes."

"Hey! Don't be mean to those mannequins! They were my only friends growing up."

I tilted my head to the side curiously. "And now I think I know why you turned out as creepy as you did."

She slowly leaned in real close to me until I could smell the roadkill she ate for breakfast on her breath. She lowered her voice to a rough whisper. "They talked to me sometimes."

Uncomfortable and weirded out, I threw my hands up in surrender. "Okay, I really gotta pee now. I should go." I cautiously backed away from her and shimmied around her, careful not to get too close. It was hard telling what sort of mischievous thing she might do or what sort of gross substance her body would excrete or what rabid or hostile animal would crawl out of her clothes.

I made it out of the bathroom alive (for now) and headed down the stairs. The urine was building up in my bladder and putting enormous pressure on my urethra.

I staggered into the kitchen, trying my hardest not to dribble pee in my boxers as I walked towards my parents' bedroom. Unfortunately, my father was sitting at the island eating plain toast and reading the newspaper. He peered over the top of the paper with his big doe eyes. He lowered the paper and smiled at me. "Good morning, Jimmy!" he greeted cheerfully. "Care to join me for breakfast?" For a man that barely got any sleep and should be the crankiest, grumpiest person on the planet because of it, he was quite delightfully a cheery morning person.

His pleasant, warm smile was too irresistible to ignore. I had to stop and eat cooked bread with him. "Sure, Dad," I replied. "I'd love to."

He folded his paper and placed it on the marble top. "Would you like something other than un-buttered toast to eat?" he asked. He stood up and looked in the cereal cabinet. "I do believe we have some Lucky Charms around here somewhere."

I snarled at the suggestion. "No thanks," I said respectfully. "I haven't liked that cereal since middle school."

He pulled the box out of the cupboard and looked at it. "That explains why this box has been sitting up here since 2011..." He stared at the box for a moment, seemingly mesmerized by it. Suddenly, as if breaking whatever weird spell that box had cast over him, he promptly threw it in the trash can and returned to his seat. "That must be the same cereal box you found Kayla's book in the day Felix and Helix moved in next door."

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