feels

confused and conflicted

i know this sounds very weird, but my friend and i have gone back and forth with each other of our feelings for almost 2 years now. first he fell for me, i rejected him, then i fell, then his rejection, and so on. 

well now i've done fucked up.

i feel like i've fallen too deep. we had late night calls all the time. i felt so comfortable with him. and he was so goddamn adorable. still is. but this affection for him needs to die.

i feel like i've fallen in love with him. he's on my mind all of the time. whenever i would wake up, and see a text from him, my heart fluttered. his raspy voice late at night, his soft yawns, his hilarious humor, i love everything about him. 

but he does this thing, of talking to me for periods, then just disappears.. i haven't done anything wrong.. he'll be like a jerk for no reason. and i feel like giving up. and i knew i was letting myself fall to deep. but i didn't want to listen, i thought he fell for me again. but apparently not. 

so i feel pretty disappointed. in myself and him.

so i am waiting for the next year of school, and i am going to find someone, not necessarily to date, but to keep my mind at ease. and if he comes running back to me, with the whole i love you thing, i have a decision made.

it's either, we stay friends, nothing more,

or we date and try it,

or we stop talking,

because i am tired of him hurting because of me and vise versa. 

but it's so conflicting because i feel like there's sparks but.. they're aren't any. he flirts, but he doesn't want the aftermath of jerking my heart strings. it's just like he ENJOYS tugging on them. but i'm just giving up. i truly just want to move on from him. i'm really fucking tired of my heart hurting over this. 

so if you have any advice for me in this situation, i would like the help...