John Dorian's Final Realization

Chapter 1: My Overly-Conscious Conscience

'What am I doing here?' Dorian wondered as he laid in the darkness of his bedroom. Their bedroom he corrected. Kim had been thrown back into his life a week ago when he had found her very much pregnant while on vacation with Turk.

Pregnant. She was pregnant with his son. Sam Perry Gilligan Dorian. And he still struggled to comprehend it.

When he had seen the grey and black video feed of Sam adjusting deep within Kim's body he had felt a spark come to life as it had those many months ago. He felt longing to hold his baby, felt the shriveled and beaten remains of his heart swell and pour out for this small person he had never even met and for the first time in a long time, he fell the smallest little bit of true joy. But now, as Kim's thin arms trapped him under the covers alongside her, he just felt sick.

'Pull it together, Dorian. You knew this wouldn't be easy but he will never have to deal with the hell of divorced parents. The arguing, the guilt, the shame, none of it. It's not all about you anymore.' He felt the judgemental stare of his conscience bore into the back of his head. He didn't dare look over, instead he looked at the rise and fall of Kim's chest and tried not to puke on her.

"Oh god..." JD forced the arms around him to release him and rushed to the bathroom. He fell to his knees at the toilet and retched out what little his stomach could scrounge up. "I can't do it- I can't-!" He sobbed, tears beginning to streak down his face. In the distance he heard the now-familiar snore of his... Girlfriend.. His breathes came out harsher now, each breath more painful and less productive than the last.

"I can't... I will be a worse father than my own. He will hate me. I don't even want to be near his mother. I will ruin him..." Dorian confessed to the toilet bowl. "I will try not to, but I will."

He remembered earlier when Kim had stood at the end of their bed with only the finest of lingerie on and had crawled up the bed. He and her had had sex then, but despite finally breaking his dry spell after so long and making the woman on top of him smile, he felt dirty after. How could he go and have sex with her just because she was the mother to his unborn child? When he felt nothing toward her like that anymore? When he held nothing but pain and disgust for her? A memory suddenly flashed into mind and he found himself vomiting once more.

'You can't divorce her... You can't ditch the kid.. And you still are ungrateful with everything... So what are you going to do?' His conscience asked, crossing its arms in disapproval.

"I-I- don't know... Help me please..." He begged, rubbing salt water and stomach acid from his face. His conscience tilted its mascoted head before shaking it. The fat, jumpsuited body of his old coach walked out the door with a ruffle of his hair.

'You know I can't do that. You have to figure out your own shit the right way.' The eyes of the rabbit mask bored into his. He shivered. 'Don't forget it, JD.' Then Dorian was back in reality watching the whirlpool drain away into the porcelain depths below. He splashed water over his face and headed back to bed, well aware it would be another sleepless night.

000

Everyone seemed more pleased with him now that he had allowed Kim back into his life. Unlike him, they all seemed to think of him as being less of a piece of crap and more as a new, respectable father-to-be. And for most of the gossipers in the hospital it was all they could talk about.

"Look at them, so cute."

"When is the baby due?"

"Soon, I hear. When do you think they will finally tie the knot? Y'know it's inevitable."

"Everyone does. I'd give it a month, maybe two after the baby is born, max."

"Hmm... Yeah, I could see that. Could you hand me the chart behind you, please?"

It was one of many conversations he overheard as he walked Sacred Heart's Halls. Getting married that soon? To Kim? He felt the nausea return from earlier. He needed to find a way out of this and soon.

'The right way.' The voice of his conscience brought a slight tremor of panic to his hands and arms as it reminded him.

"The right way. Always.." He wrapped his arms around himself and stuffed his clenched fists under his armpits to hid their trembling and the clip of his clipboard pressed painfully into his sternum. He didn't mind the pain though, it seemed to ground him a little.

"What are you rambling about this time, Tisha? You and your girlfriend mix up each other's bras again?" The room began to sway. Dorian froze mid-step and steadied himself. He felt another wave of a fainting spell from his good friend Mr.Vasovagal-Syncope (or the stress-faints) drag down at his every fiber. "Newbie? Are you ignoring me now?" He managed to dispel the wave and without any other option he could think of, he ran. He ran down the halls of Sacred Heart as quickly as his wobbly, but long legs could manage and twisted on his heel when he found his way to the vending machines. He leaned heavily on the machines, trying to catch him breath.

'Maybe eating will help me think. It has been a little while.' JD figured and slid a few coins into the machine.

"JD!" He jumped. "Woah, woah! Easy man." Turk laughed. "It's been forever since you and I talked, how're things with the lady?" Dorian realized he wasn't as hungry as he thought.

G1. A pack of rolos twisted out of the metal rings and fell to the bottom shaft. He quickly snatched it out and handed it to his friend with a wide grin plastered on his face.

"Let's just say me and her.. We are never bored." He smirked suggestively, which awarded him with his friend's proud whoops and a fist bump.

"THAT'S my boy!" He hollered, wrapping an arm around his neck. "Good for you man! Good for you!" After a few more celebratory yells Turk had to go to meet up with Cox for a consult, finally leaving JD alone with his thoughts.

"Ah... Chocolate Bear. I'm glad you will be Sam's godfather..." He ignored the slightly irritating cramping in his stomach and tried to focus. "Now, how the hell am I going to-" And as if an answer from the heavens, a new patient's gurney was thrust down the hall by unobservant paramedics and slammed directly into him. Fortunately, he had the luck to fall back against the vending machines and out of the way as they continued down the hall without even a glance his way. Unfortunately, he felt as if he had cracked something. "D-damn.... "