Your Raspberry Lips

god's imaginary love

i once stood for you. for your sacrifices, for your love. the roots of my thoughts always tethered back to you. you were my savior. my undying glory. i found comfort in knowing you were watching over me. i found peace in believing you would protect me. everyone always said, "god has a plan for you." i put my faith in those six words, in the thought that you would keep me on the right path, in you and your never ending love. i sat at the end of my mother's bed every night. together, we bowed our heads. we prayed, prayed for safety, prayed for love, prayed for others. we prayed for the stars, for the moon, for the sun. we prayed for the birds in the sky, for the fish in the sea. we prayed for the deceased, for the living, for the unborn. we put our hearts into our prayers. we sent our hope and love to those who needed it. i was taught that no sin is greater than another. that sinning was wrong. that my unforgiven sins would eventually tether me to hell when it came to be my time. fear struck my soul. people tell me, "you were born a sin." they say, "your parents are unholy." their voices stuck like tar in my head. "those who commit suicide will spend eternity in hell." their words burned into my skin. "being gay is a sin." i began to question myself. began to question my worth. "do you love me, god?" i would ask. "am i worthy of your love?" hours, i spent hours, locked away in my room, crying, my heart breaking. for the man whom i was taught loved me through thick and thin, couldn't possibly love me. i was a walking sin. i defied that of a perfect child. my grandfather died, horror struck my soul. would he go to hell? all sins can be forgiven if asked. but how could he ask? he was unconscious. he wasn't breathing. he was incapable of praying for forgiveness. my grandfather was going to spend eternity in hell, being tortured by the fierce, merciless hands of satan himself. that's when i realized, i was next. depression gripped and clawed at my soul. blades gravitated toward my hands. pills constantly slid down my swelling throat. i read the bible every night. i went to sunday school. i joined youth groups. i tried, tried to persevere. tried to stay holy. hot tears slid down my cheeks as i screamed at night. "why me, god? why are you doing this to me?" my doubt began to fester as my depression worsened. after all, what kind of a god lets a child suffer? what god stands by and lets me feel this way? "is this god's plan?" i would ask. "is this what my life was destined to be all along?" my prayers were left unanswered. my grandmother died. my joy ceased to exist. god watched me suffer. he did nothing. nothing. nothing... i think my breaking point was the first time i attempted suicide. i overdosed, but it wasn't enough. i didn't tell anyone. i let it go unnoticed. i remained locked in my room, violently throwing up until i fainted. i lived. but for what? what did i have to live for? my happiness was gone. i was unloved, even by the man who supposedly loved me the most. i was a sin. and the more i thought about it, the more i realized. i don't need to pray for your forgiveness. i have done nothing wrong. i'm not sinful at all. this is the last day i stand by and blindly follow a man who sent my loved one to hell. a man who watched me splinter into nothing. a man who's presence cannot even be proven. so yes, i once stood for you. i once followed and praised your ever loving glory. but i was naive. i knew nothing more than what those around me had led me to believe. i know better now. you don't exist. you never have. you never will. you have done nothing but make a fool of me. you are nothing but a joke. a folk tale to make others feel comfort in their times of fear. you don't fool me, not anymore, never again. never again...