summer

sixteen

     "Too.. good for you?" Exclaims Sawyer, his eyes as wide as golf balls. "How?"

     "Everything you do." Dylan rubs his eyes and looks away from Sawyer.

      "Dylan, I could never be too good for you. You're the only one I would ever want."

     "What do you mean?" Dylan looks up at Sawyer, tears pouring down both of their faces.

      "I think you know what I mean," he chokes out, wiping away his tears vigorously. "Look at us, crying at the party," he jokes, laughing through his tears.

      "Reminds me of Oh Klahoma," Dylan jokes, contemplating Sawyer's words. I think you know what I mean? No, I don't.

     "I love Jack Stauber!" He explodes with a grin. Dylan smiles, he'd never met someone who shared his music taste. Sawyer pulls out his phone and types in something. Oh Klahoma starts playing, the melody whispering out of the phone. Dylan hums along quietly, his tears at least slowing.

     "Tears falling down at the party, saddest little baby in the room. Tears, tell me fears, don't get me started. I count a little gray hair for every scare you share. Doors aren't meant to bend, no, doors aren't meant to bend. Doors aren't meant to bend, no, doors aren't meant to bend," Dylan sings quietly, fiddling with the cuffs of his shirt.

     "Dylan, that was amazing," Sawyer whispers. Dylan stares at him, surprised he could actually hear him singing. "Seriously. You never said you could sing!" He stares at Dylan intently, reading every word in his eyes.

     "I- thank you? I mean, I don't really sing for show, just because I love music. Thank you, that's really nice," says Dylan, shocked at Sawyer's kind words.

Tears falling down at the party
Saddest little baby in my eye
Fears, tell me fears
Don't get me started
I might die

Oh Klahoma ends, leaving the two in silence. Sawyer scoots down the bed, lying next to Dylan. They stare up at the ceiling, Dylan's sixth grade science project hanging down from it- nine different planets that he could still easily name. Dylan stays sitting, Sawyer's head against his side. It's peaceful in silence yet Dylan feels his sadness coming back.

     "Hey," says Sawyer softly, sitting up and wrapping his arms around Dylan. He hugs him tightly, like it's the last time he ever will.

     "Hi," says Dylan, staring into Sawyer's eyes as he pulls away. Sawyer smiles sadly.

     "Thank you," he murmurs, staring down awkwardly.

     "For what?"

     "I... being there for me. It seems weird, I know, but you're the only person I feel like I can trust. I don't know, it might be because you're also lgbt+ or simply because you're my friend. Either way, I really care about you, Dy. You.... you might have saved my life," he whispers. 

     "What do you mean?" Asks Dylan nervously, putting his hand on Dylan's knee reassuringly.

      "I'm sorry, that seemed like a lot to put on you," he sobs, rubbing his eyes quickly and moving away.

     "Sawyer, stop! Were you planning on killing yourself?" Dylan whispers, appalled.

     "I guess. I don't know if I would've gone through with it, but," he murmurs, pulling back his sleeves. Tiny white scare lines his wrists. That explains why he always wears sweatshirts.

     "No," Dylan whispers, tears leaking from his eyes. "No... no."

     "I'm sorry," Sawyer cries, standing and hitting himself on the forehead. "I'll just go. I'm so stupid.... I'm sorry," he whispers, shaking his head and walking to the door.

     "No!" Yells Dylan, jumping to his feet and grabbing Sawyer's wrists. Tears pour down Sawyer's face and Dylan realizes he's shaking. He slowly rubs his fingers across Sawyer's scars, tiny and white. "I'm not saying no because I wanted you to go, I'm saying no because I'm sorry that I fucked up."

      "What?"

       "I... I should've gotten to you. I should have messaged you on my phone, or made my mom let us meet up, but I don't even remember you."

      "And how is that your fault?"

      "Because.... I don't know. Sawyer, you have to promise me something."

    "Dylan, there's nothing you could've done. What do I need to promise you?"

      "Promise me you'll never hurt yourself again."

     "Dylan... I-" he goes quiet, crying silently. "I can't promise that."

      "Please," Dylan begs, placing his hands on either side of Sawyer's head. "I can't lose you."

     "Why? I'm trash. You're... you're everything good. Everything I'm not."

     "You're starting to sound like me," Dylan jokes, resulting in a slight smile from Sawyer. One smile makes all the difference, melting Dylan's heart.

      "I thought you hated me."

      "I think I love you."