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VI. IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT

SILENCE ONLY LASTED FOR A MINUTE.

-

L I S A

"This loneliness is killing me and I, I must confess, I still believe. Still believe." I randomly sang as I opened the window of my room, I got on the window sill and hugged my knees to my chest, I continued to hum the song because I've honestly forgot what comes after that. I tipped the bottle of beer into my mouth and I chugged down the remaining contents of it.

That was my seventh bottle. I moved it to the shelf of my new collection called 'empty battles'-yes, it's spelled with the letter 'A'.

I just started the collection earlier, after my first beer of the night. I'm counting down to how much beer I could take before the clock strikes midnight or how much alcohol I can ingest in my gut until it's finally my birthday.

I was born exactly on midnight.

It's perfect.

I took another beer bottle, opened it, and drink and drink and drink until I've finished it. Then repeat.

Sadness had been my companion for a while, aside from loneliness.

I wished I can be alone and not be lonely, but you know...it's not possible.

Rosé and Jisoo had been around me, hanging out aside from teaching me, then there's also Ella who loves pestering me, but not Jennie, never Jennie. She had been quite distant from everyone ever since what happened to Ella, it had been days. Five days, almost six days. It will be six days when the clock strikes midnight, yeah, yeah.

"I'm alone, but I'm not lonely. No, it's nothing personal, I prefer to do things on my own." I sang another song again, because I wished that to be the truth right now.

It's a song by The Maine, you should check them out if you want to go back to your nineties baby teenage fuckery.

Hell, I'm really sad.

God.

I'm on my nineties baby teenage fuckery right now because I wanted to feel sadder than I already was, that's fucked up I know, so I got up from my spot and connected my phone to my speaker and began to play Oasis' discography.

My cats were looking at me curiously, and I answered them, "Mommy's okay, I just want to be sad tonight."

I wish they'd answer me.

I moved back to my spot, this time I put my feet outside, I stared up at the stars; I looked at them, and then at the moon. Soon my cats followed and they stayed beside me. Leo actually put his paw on my hand and fuck I felt like that was my breaking point so I began to tear up, I choked up, and I don't know what else to do, so I drank my beer empty and let it down on the roof.

"I wish the two of you can speak, so at least I have someone to talk to." I said and Luca meowed back at me as if he was actually speaking to me.

Maybe he was speaking to me, maybe they're actually listening?

So I continued.

"The past days I've been feeling really lonely, like I get choked up randomly, then it's like sadness hits me all of a sudden when I'm around people who are laughing with me. I don't know, I have to make up a show because everyone's going through shit in this household." I summoned another beer. "I don't want to be a burden."

Then I randomly sang along with the song that played. "There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how..." I hummed and continued to cry, I sniffled and wiped them away with the back of my hand.