carminibus | on hold

VII. THE LONE WOLF PASSED

WHILE THE PACK SURVIVED.

-

J E N N I E

People tend to find isolation a threat to one's sanity, it's the driving force that takes you to lunacy, because people need to socialize, we seek each other's company, no one could truly be alone.

I beg to differ, since isolation was always what I need to be able to gather my composure, isolation was what I need the most whenever I try to recuperate from some blunt trauma in my holistic being. It's what I needed after almost possibly losing my younger sister.

I had found myself in the deep recesses of my mind afterwards, I feel the flowers in my lungs wither as I repeat the image of Ella lying in the darkest part of the woods, fireflies flying above her and giving her life, a wolf cub guarding and protecting her, her body was limp and it made me second guess whether she was really alive or not.

Death's whispers repeated too, Hurry, my little one, hurry for I did not let you live for her to die.

Hurry, hurry, hurry...

Even in my dreams it showed. It repeated. Whatever I do, I always saw Ella's limp body, she looked lifeless, pale, and gone... I was selfish, I didn't want her to leave me, because even if I might let myself be isolated, I could never live with lonesomeness forever.

God, you can hurt me, torture me, murder me-you can do absolutely horrid things to me, but never her, never my sister, or all hell shall break loose.

I had been plagued by the threat of another loss. I needed time, space, and whatever comes in between.

They gave it to me.

I only had one request, for Ella to sleep beside me at night.

For nights it seemed like an endless waking from terror, with my skin pale and clammy, my hair matted from the sweat, my eyes were distant, my cheeks stained by tears. I always gasp for air and soon reach out for Ella's body, and when I get a hold of her that's when the calm washes in, but-unfortunately-the anxiety stayed.

Sometimes I wake up by my own, sometimes I get waken up by Ella, her voice in a tremor of fear because I knew in my sleep terror I get paralyzed and I stopped breathing.

When I was awake I always find myself in the green house, if not, I'll be in the yard watching the skies or if the girls were there to train, I watch them. Buttercup (Ella's wolf cub) tend to be wherever I was, I figured that Ella had told her to guard me. My suspicions were correct when the cub happened to lick my face as I was trembling in my sleep.

I asked her, "Shall I forgive myself, dearest Buttercup?" And she replied by howling and licking my face again, I took that as an affirmation and I cried myself while I cradled the cub in my arms.

I recuperated, I risen, and now I had to compensate.

Previous episodes I had had been worst than this.

It was difficult thinking of an idea on what I must do to show the girls I'm back.

Time was a friend, the morning I decided to come back and live with the living, I had found out it was Lisa's birthday. It broke my heart finding out how Lisa was miserable in the first few moments of her eighteenth birthday. I knew making that cheesecake and giving her a hug and a greeting wasn't enough.

Or at least I feel like it wasn't.

I went through the sketches I have made in the days of my isolation and I retrieved this sketch of Lisa, a smile was on her face and glasses perched on her nose, she was nothing short of beautiful. My heart ached for her. I began to put colors into it and giving it more life than it already have.