lost ~~c.h.~~

two

Hi.... Are you supposed to be depressed everyday? Are you supposed to be happy everyday? Probably not. It doesn't help that people piss me off. I guess I got that trait from my father, um... what's his name? I don't know. I haven't talked to him in forever. I think I was 13 or 14 when I told him to choose me or my step- monster, and I guess he doesnt like me. It's not like anyone else likes me. Who would like a 17 year old anorexic, depressed, cutter, freak like me? No one. Exactly. I'm the quiet one in school. The one where she's the only person that doesn't talk, but she's the one that stands out the most. Yes, I stand out. Maybe it's because all I wear is black long-sleeved clothes or the fact that I have light blue hair. Is it bad that I'm anorexic? Is it bad that I self-harm? Is it bad that I dont care? Probably. People tell me to be happy and look what I'm doing... beng happy. I always thought that I was fat. Probably because when i was little my friends were always waayy skinnier than me. I was always the bigger one. I think I started hating myself from a younger age. Maybe it was the best for everyone. (end of diary entry)

I finally reach my car, yes my driveway is long, its fall, school started a month ago. And i hate it. I've always hated school. Maybe it's because I never saw the purpose of it. I even hated it in kindergarten. Yeah... I was a stubborn child. Of course there was traffic will all the Easter colors of punch buggies, while I had a black lifted jeep wrangler. While I sat in traffic with a bit of roadrage, I got a text from my best friend. And my only friend, Perrie. I met her in 7th grade and we became inseparable in 8th grade. In 9th grade, I finally told her what I do and that I have problems. And now she won't leave me alone. When I have anxiety attacks, she is with me the whole time, either its through text, call, actually here... she's always there. She can't stop me from self-harming or skipping meals. Even though shes tried, I always go back to my friends (razors), because friends stick together... right? Maybe. Her text says that she's already at school and if I dont be there quick I'm going to be late. "Whatever." I text back. I dont need school! After 15 minutes of sitting in traffic, I finally reach the schol and of course it was a cold fall morning and it was raining. And with my luck, I had to park in the back of the parking lot. I walk all the way up to the school and I'm drenched with rain. Of course Perrie was waiting right there, she's too scared to go to class my herself. I don't have like any friends at all, probably because 1) I hate talking, yes I'm very quiet, and 2) because no one likes a depressed anorexic cutting freak like me. Perrie is the only one that has been there and stayed. Maybe it's because she has somewhat the same problems as me. Or two, that she knows that no one else likes me or cares about me so she's sticking around. It's not like I knew that I was going to put my walls down for her. Hell, she hasn't even put all hers down yet because she's either scared or thinks no one cares, but I care. My outfit is like the same thing I wear everyday: long-sleeve, skinny jeans, and vans. We walk up the thousands of stairs to the classroom. Theres minimum talking and the looks that we get keep coming. I dont understad why people are giving me these looks. Whatever. Maybe because I'm ugly and fat. Probably. As I walk into the classroom there's only one set of eyes that I never want them to look away.

Calum Hood's.

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Hey guys!! Okay... so I updated early! I have a football game, and Homecoming this weekend so if theres not a update this weekend you will know why!

Do you like this book so far? Its getting better... dont worry.

Cant wait to update again!!

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I love you guys!!

~laurennnn

Ps. Do u have any nicknames that you want me to call u??