I Killed Blank

Chapter III

As the years flew by, I started high school near my place, and let me tell you something about high school, it's somewhat similar to this prison, daily routines, cafeteria, and of course, the neighbors, but back then, I didn't know how to defend myself, yup, I was bullied. But it wasn't so bad, there are times that I had fun learning, since I was good at math, being bullied plus being good at math equals me as one of the outcasts of the school. During recess I just by the food, avoid people, go to a peaceful area like with a scenery and eat my snacks there while gazing upon my surroundings and just couldn't stop imagining, like if it were to rain money or food from the sky, having super powers and be able to fly like a super hero, all the things a 13 year old could imagine, and sometimes I just sit at my desk and drew, I did mention I love to draw right ? and the things I drew are just made up and came at the top of my head, sometimes just in front of me, and the first page of my sketchbook wasn't a hero, nor a plant or view, nope... it's my classmate named Alyssa, yup, my first crush, girl with Asian-like features and short hair, white skin, couldn't help but stare at her most of the times, but when she suddenly looks at my direction...yup you guessed it, I shyly look away like I never stared. Now I already knew Alyssa even before we became classmates, she used to come by our home with her mom and siblings cuz our moms were best friends and loves to hang-out, so every time they visit, the kids including me played together, you could say we were childhood playmates, but the emotions I felt during high school was something new to me, I tried to approach her back then, but was too shy or getting that awkward feeling whenever I try, then one day there was an acquaintance party where the new and old students get a chance to know each other, and when the slow music started playing, I worked up my courage and swallowed my fears, heart starts to pump so hard, as I approach Alyssa and ask her hand to dance with me, as I was about to ask her... suddenly a boy from an upper class cutted-in and asked her before me, so just like that, she danced with the guy, and I just stepped away and felt embarrassed.

High school really was a tough time for me, being an outcast really didn't helped me out much, but in the midst of the sucky events that unfolded, I managed to make a few friends along the way and they were also one of my friends from elementary, also made new friends, how did I do so ? I didn't do anything but draw my favorite characters and they just noticed it and started talking to me, friendship by art, now that's art itself, meeting those people sure brightened my first years in high school, if it weren't for them, I never would've sticked around and I would've just settled being house schooled. Sometimes we hang-out at their places, sometimes played a game involving cards and numbers, and sometimes the good-ol video game treatment did the trick, watched movies, and even had a cooking session, it was a blast, but as the saying goes, nothing lasts forever, so 3rd year high school we got separated sections, and like before or did I just woke up from a dream, it's back to reality being the outcast, my friends already had new people to hang around and for some reason started seeing me differently as they saw before, I never knew what I did to deserve such treatment, and what's worse was, I had a bully that really got on my nerves.

Sometimes just regular teasing, dumping trash on my stuff, and even went so far to hide my belongings when he feels like it, all he did was laughed and laughed and laughed...being the peaceful type, I just sobbed silently and never told anyone, not even mom. One day during a boring class, I decided to just draw and pretended to pay attention when the teacher looks at my direction, then recess came so I rushed over to the cafeteria to get in line to buy my food, when I realized I forgot to put away my drawings, so after I bought my food, I just found my notebook opened, and my drawings were ruined, page after page just a mess of smudges and undesirable drawings that never belonged there, so I took a look around and found that same bully just hiding his laugh while looking at me, he looked away of course and like he did nothing, but I know all too well he was the culprit, just looking back at everything he did, the only things that flew in my head were...revenge.

Lunch time and I went to go home, and along the way I was deep in thought just thinking how am I supposed to get back at him for the shitty things he did to me...then I just thought of one thing in mind...I should just kill him, he deserves it, so by the time I got home, I noticed grandpa's old knife hanging by the back door, so I smuggled it in my bag and decided to use that on that piece of garbage, sorry excuse for a human being. As I was about to go back to school, nothing in my head except absolute resolve to get revenge, thinking of ways to put the knife in his body, slashing him bit by bit, or should I run it through his neck...the thoughts went on and on, I think I killed him about hundreds of times in my head that when I came to, I was already at the front gate.

As I arrived inside our classroom, I went to my locker and put the knife inside it for later, as class begun I just couldn't stop thinking about getting back at him for those times he made me sad, and the time he ruined my art, but later in recess, I went to my locker and found my knife was missing, I was confused and shocked, what could have happened to it, then a few minutes later, I was called at the guidance councilor's office. As I found out, someone saw me putting the knife inside my locker, then everyone heard about it, they just looked at me with questioning eyes as I walked to get to the office, and when I arrived, I found that bully sitting near the guidance councilor, and my weapon on her desk. The G.C. asks questions about why I brought the weapon, and of course I told her everything, it was a matter of bullying, yes she understood why I did so, but I wasn't in the right because of what I did, so the session ended with me given a 3 day suspension and the bully had a week, as the day rolled-by, class ended, me going home, and my mom and dad just there waiting for me, and you can guess what happens next, being scolded, and sermoned for the thing I did, and what's worse is that the knife I brought got confiscated. That night in dinner, mom made my favorite dish and as we were eating, she comforted me and tells me the rights and wrongs of this reality, and that made me realize, humanity is a big mess and full of things that challenges people to either better themselves, or succumb to the cruel reality and just give up. That got me thinking why is it that way ? I mean if there was a God, why is it like that, so from that moment... I questioned my religion and stopped believing in it and in God.

After my suspension, went back to schooled and something strange went on that day, the other classmates started asking me why I did what I did, and I my face just painted with a confused expression and just said, just by bullying, the day continued on like that like I was some sort of need-to-talk-to guy, so just answered them all with the same answer I gave to the first guy that asked, I just didn't mind it at all, I didn't care, ever since I questioned my religion, I started to view the things around me differently, like what's the purpose of this and that, and why is he like that, now i may be just a 3rd yr high school student, but my mind went as hungry as a veteran philosopher, questioning the things around him and seeking for answers, and that made me expressive on how I feel about the things around me, just looking into things and always wonder why such a thing existed and what purpose did that thing had, that made me open my palate to a new form of art, poetry, and also I started drawing things that had deeper meaning than it should, like expressionism and other stuff like that, I guess you could say, I may or may not be woken.

Now that really got me thinking again about the what ifs I mentioned earlier, and always wondering about stuff that didn't matter to anyone else, or for most of the people, like I always wonder about the possibilities of another life on earth and wondering if there's someone or something like me just layin on a bed somewhere and thinking about the things I'm thinking, and wondering if I could meet this being and wonder...what would that being say to me when he/she/it sees me like this and knows my state of mind, I wonder...if it's just staring at a mirror, or something else entirely different, enough of that fuzz, it's thoughts like this that I'm having trouble sleeping at night hahaha, I always think too much, time to go back to sleep.