My Man Crush | Jinkook ✔️

Thirty-Seven

A/N: If Author-nim had to listen to "Tonight" to write this chapter, then you know.

Jungkook's Pov:

"Wish me luck," I said to Areum as I lift her into my arms to take her back to Jin's house. Our weekend went by rather quickly. It was a struggle for me after my mother left me. Thankfully I had Areum; she is the sweetest and kindest human being I have ever met. So innocent and pure, it is sad to say I kind of envy her for that. I don't mean it in a wrong way, but it must be amazing not to have to deal with adult things. I hope she takes more from Jin than she ever does from me. I am a big-time fuck up.

I plan to apologize to Jin today sincerely, but I am not even sure that will go well. I am hoping I don't do anything to mess things up. I was trying to get in touch with Hoseok to see if he could watch Areum while I talk to Jin, but as soon as he heard my voice, he hung up the phone. Can't say I blame him, it's not like we had many interactions in the past. I can only imagine how much he hates me.

"Are you going to make my Appa angry again?" Areum ask me as we were starting walking out of my loft. Of course, due to how heated things got on Friday, she heard everything between Jin and me. She wanted to go over to his house, but I had to persuade her we would go on Sunday. I confessed and told her I did wrong and made her appa angry. She gave me the silent treatment for a good ten minutes, but thank god for Mcdonalds; I was able to get her to talk to me. Every time I interact with her, I get angry with myself. How could I have been so stupid and selfish to miss out on so much in her life? I still don't even know what my son was like. Truthfully I am so ashamed of myself, I feel like a failure. It's not easy to confess these things, especially not knowing the reaction you might get back.

"No baby girl, Dad is going to be nice, I promise," I told her, kissing her on her forehead.

My mother said it's okay to be vulnerable, but being vulnerable could leave me broken.

******

Jin's Pov:

It hurts, everything hurts, my heart aches, why, just why? Ever since coming back from Jungkook's home on Friday, I have not been able to leave my bed. I feel like I did when he walked out of my life four years ago. How could he call me "babe" as if it was nothing? How could he play with my emotions right in front of his mother? Did he not take me seriously at all? Why was I such an idiot for him when I was younger?

I know this was all my fault. I chased Jungkook; he never once chased after me. I gave myself to him without much thought. This is why I can't move on, and I can't move forward, I don't think anyone will ever understand what it feels like to have your first love break your heart into a million pieces and then crush it. My love for Jungkook was so powerful; if he had told me back then me to jump, I would've probably asked: "how high?" I wish he could be honest and tell me why he left, was it the sex, was it me? What did I do so wrong to deserve what he had done to me, was I too annoying, too available? These are the questions that haunt my thoughts every day.

I don't hate him, I probably should, but I don't, I am angry with him. I am mad that he was never there for our kids. I am angry that he never held my hands during my pregnancy, I am angry that he left me to bury our son alone, I am angry that he wasn't there during my late nights at the hospital with our son. I am angry he wasn't there to hold me when I watch my son body go up in flames. I am angry that he was living while I was existing. I am angry that our Areum likes him; I am angry that he makes her smile. I am mad that she resembles him. I am angry about everything and anything. Most of all, I am angry with myself because of how I feel whenever I see him. I am angry with my heart, angry that I cannot move forward. I am angry about it all.

I can't share these thoughts with anyone, they will think I am stupid, and I am an Idiot and maybe rightfully so, I am. However, I don't know if they have had their heartbroken as I have, I don't know if they know what it's like to be in summer and think its winter. I don't think they'll ever grasp the pain the mind and the heart goes through. Jungkook will never understand the damage he has done to me and those around me will never understand, that it's not easy to move on and forget about him.

Right now, as I face him more and more, I only need to be strong and stand my ground as much as I can. Even though I am weak, I have to be strong for my daughter. I can't seem like a failure in her eyes. Appa has to be strong for his baby girl, at the end of the day she's all I have left. So even on the days where I don't feel like getting up, or even fighting, she gives me the strength to push forward. She makes me smile, and she reminds me that innocence and purity do exist.

******

A/N: Ahh crap, I cried real tears writing this.