save me

one

it all started approximately a month ago, when we had to list our height and weight for some magazine. ever since that day, john had been acting differently. he was quieter, and i couldn't remember the last time i had seen him smile. he was also throwing up quieter a lot-and i had  a feeling that it wasn't natural sickness. 

i wished we had never agreed to doing it, i just wanted my cheerful boyfriend back. and when i tried to confront john about what was happening, he just shrugged it off. in fact, he hardly ever talked to us nowadays. he didn't join us during meals and he never went out with us anymore. when i wanted to stay home with him, he'd always persuade me to go and have fun. 

the only time he communicated with us was band rehearsals, and you could hardly call the occasional nod he gave us communicating. i wanted to help him, of course i did, but i didn't know how. christ, i didn't even know what was happening exactly, it made me feel like a terrible boyfriend. i was determined to at least talk to him about it, though. and lucky for me, the opportunity arose a mere day after i made my decision. 

it was a friday, so of course, brian and roger were planning on going to a club of some sort. this time, i decided not to join them. i would act like i was heading out as per usual, but i'd come back to our shared home a few minutes later. then i'd find john and finally learn the truth. i felt bad for tricking him this way, but i knew that he'd just act like nothing was wrong if he knew that i was staying with him. 

i was now on my way to my boyfriend's bedroom, to ask if he'd come along with us. doing this has become a kind of habit-i knew that he'd say no, but i asked anyway. it was my way of showing that i cared. 

i walked through the hallway, coming to a stop when i reached his door. we'd been together for a long time now, but my stomach still filled with butterflies whenever i was in his presence. gulping down my nervousness, i raised my hand and lightly knocked on the door. it was my signature knock that only john could recognize: six quick knocks, two for each incredible month we'd spent dating. john used to joke around about how my arm would fall off if i were to continue the pattern when we were both wrinkly old grandpas. the thought made me smile, that was yet another example of the deaky i missed. 

i stood there, listening closely to my boyfriend's footsteps, as he shuffled towards the door. he opened it, and rolled his eyes when he looked me up and down. i was wearing uncomfortably tight white jeans, a simple floral shirt that was unbuttoned halfway, black platform boots and a fur coat i had borrowed from roger to finish off the look. yes, my outfits were a bit much, but how else did he expect people to remember me? 

deaky, on the other hand had on a pair of black sweatpants and a while hoodie that looked far too warm to be worn indoors. his long hair was a mess, but he still managed to look absolutely adorable. i wanted to kiss him right there. and i would've, but then i remembered that i had a job to do.

"what do you want fred?'' he asked, his close to angry tone making me slightly nervous. i hated it when people were mad at me. 

''nice to see you too, darling. anyway i was just wondering if you'd care to accompany us on our lovely journey to a strip club?'' 

''yeah, no. strip clubs aren't really my thing...'' he trailed off. that was a straight up lie and we both knew it, but i wouldn't be one to acknowledge it. 

''alrighty then. see you later,'' i exclaimed stepping closer to give him a goodbye kiss like i always did. 

before i knew it, john quickly shook his head and closed the door in my face, with a bit more force than necessary. i'd never admit it, but that hurt. it felt like he had just put a knife through my heart-he wouldn't let me kiss him? this didn't even seem like a relationship anymore, more like friends with benefits. what kind of partners didn't kiss? i couldn't help but wonder if all of this was happening because of something i had done...