save me

five

i moved to the bed, laying down next to him. i could feel a lump of both sadness and frustration starting to form in my throat as my hand found his bony one and held it close to my chest.

"deaky? please don't let this get too far," i whispered, my voice cracking softly.

"i'm sorry," he whispered back.

"why are you sorry, dear?" i asked, stroking his hollow cheek with my thumb.

"i'm sorry that I can't stop. i- i know i need to change something but my mind isn't letting me," he said with a sniffle.

''well that's what i'm here for, okay? i'll help you and we- we'll get through this together. baby, listen, you're strong and you'll gonna beat this,'' i told him. 

''do you really think so?'' john asked in a quiet tone. 

''i wouldn't be saying it if i didn't, now would i? but seriously darling, you're a fighter. remember that,'' i said, pressing my lips gently against his forehead.

john turned his head and loked deep into my eyes while i lost myself in his. i rested my hand on his cheek and just let myself relax. we lay like that, our bodies pressed to each other and our eyes locked until we were interrupted by roger's shrill voice from downstairs.

''ARE THE LOT OF YOU COMING OR AM I GOING TO BE SITTING ON THE BEACH BY MYSELF ALL WEEK?'' he yelled, his scream ruining our moment. 

''I'LL BE THERE IN A SECOND ROG!'' i shouted back, before sitting up and stretching my arms above my head.

''you sure you don't wanna come?'' i asked john, who was still laid down on the bed, looking peaceful as ever. 

he just shook his head in response.

''why not, though? you- you don't have to like change or anything and no one's making you get in the water.'' it had been so long since the four of us had relaxed together, and honestly i was just desperate to get my boyfriend out of the house. 

''if i went and sat on the beach like this, the boys would wonder why i don't have a swimsuit on and roger would pester me until i ended up getting in the water. i can also guarantee that you guys will end up going for ice cream, and you know i can't eat that. i don't need the extra 207 calories.'' he said it in such a casual tone and that made it even worse. it wasn't even the fact that he knew the exact amount of calories in a scoop of ice cream or the reality that others seeing him in swim trunks seemed to be the worst thing in the world for him. no, it was his casual tone of voice, like rejecting food was part of his daily life. which it was, now that i thought about it.

''right...but just...eat something while we're out?'' i asked hopefully. i didn't recall seeing him eat anything since the apple he had on the plane and it was almost five pm now. i could only hope that he'd get some food into his system.

''fine, i'll make a salad or something,'' he replied, clearly annoyed. i knew he hated the fact that i had to monitor his eating, but it was either that, or going to the hospital, and i knew that he was strongly against that. he begged me not to get him any doctor's appointments, claiming that there was nothing wrong with him. i couldn't go against what he wanted.

''did you get veggies at the store? and what about a dressing?'' i asked quietly, just wanting to make sure that he'd actually eat. 

''yes, mom. and i don't eat dressing, it adds way too much fat and calories to an otherwise healthy meal.''

''of course...okay. will you really be fine on your own though? i don't have to go with them, we can have a lazy night and-''

''freddie, i'm fine! i'm capable of taking care of myself! you don't have to watch every single thing i do!'' john exclaimed. 

''but what if something happens? i couldn't live with myself if-''

''i said i'm fine! it's an eating disorder, fred, not a disability! just- just leave me alone!'' he shouted.

''o-okay,'' i murmured. i knew i was pushing it too far, but i couldn't help being worried. john almost never raised his voice at me and when he did, it was pretty scary. i didn't know what to do to make the situation better, so i chose to get off the bed in silence and make my way to the bedroom door. 

''i'm sorry, i was only- i was just trying to look out for you,'' i said, swallowing back a sob. 

with one last glance at my boyfriend and a whispered ''bye'' that was barely audible, i shut the door behind me. part of me wanted to run back in and envelop his fragile body in a massive hug and never let go. but the other, larger, part of me knew better than to crawl into john's personal space while he was like this. 

so without another word, i walked down the stairs to where the eccentric drummer was still waiting for me. 

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

a/n: ooh look at that we're finally gettin some a c t i o n
anyways just wanted to say that i love ur guys' comments, they make my day so keep on commentin ;)