You are the only one that understand (Bucky & Natasha)

Part 5

Tears streamed down my cheeks as I struggled to continue speaking. "If that night were the night I was going to die, I wouldn't mind if I could die in your arms. But you pushed me away. You took the only thing that made me want to be alive, and I can never forgive you for that, no matter how much it hurts. You shattered my trust.""I really wanted to protect you.""Why don't you understand, James? I didn't want safety. I loved danger. I thrived on the risk and the rush of adrenaline.""You would have—" I finally broke eye contact when I saw tears in his eyes."What? What are you trying to—""Nat... Natalia—" His voice broke, and my heart ached at the sight of him in such pain."James... My heart wants to embrace you tightly, but my mind reminds me you weren't there to hold me." I bit my lip to keep from sobbing when a single tear rolled down his cheek."Do you know why I did it? Do you really want to know why I went to Clint that night to strike a deal with him to take you away? Do you honestly believe that would make you feel any better?""Yes! That's all I've wanted to know for years!""Natalia, I... I need to know you're alive.""But I wanted to die alongside you!"Then he lowered his head and clenched his fists. After a few moments, he managed to compose himself enough to utter the next words to me."I was ordered to shoot you in the head after a mission is over!" I froze. I think I stopped breathing. I was more shocked than I'd ever been in my life. He looked down again."Did... did... the KGB give you those orders?" It took me a while to find my voice. Instead of answering, he simply nodded."The Red Room was already preparing new recruits, and the KGB, along with Hydra, agreed that you knew too much, that you asked too many questions. They weren't pleased with the impact you had on me either, and they understood that you were the one who shattered my programming repeatedly.""Madam B warned me before I stopped working with you. She said, 'He is one of a kind, but you're one of many and can be easily replaced.'" I stopped crying. I stood there motionless. I had known that my work with the KGB was just a small part of a larger puzzle. But I never knew they intended to eliminate me so swiftly, and the worst part... through him."I'm so sorry, Talia..." He didn't even dare to look at me anymore, as if he thought it was his fault, which it wasn't."You could have told me, though." My face remained expressionless. It was mind-boggling to think that people who had smiled to my face and praised me as a treasure wanted me dead, and by the hands of the only man I had ever cared for. And that still hurt."You wouldn't have left even if I had.""No, you're right, I wouldn't have. But you didn't give me a choice.""I thought it would be easier for you to hate me for it, so you wouldn't come back looking for me. That way, they couldn't get to you. Because if they did... you and I both know they would find a way to force me to do it, one way or another."Then, I would choose to die." I finally met his gaze, but he only managed a sad smile that he seemed to be pulling from the tears in his eyes. And it hurt me so much."Death is the easy way out. But I'd have to live with that, and I'd never be able to forgive myself. Nat, you were my reason for living. I can't even count how many times I was prepared to put a bullet through my brain, but you were my reason to keep going."James..." I felt completely numb; all the anger I'd held against him for so many years just evaporated as if it had never existed. Everything suddenly made so much more sense, and I wished I had let him explain sooner. I felt a sense of relief, as if a massive weight had been lifted from my chest. For the first time in years, I was finally able to take a deep breath. "I'm sorry for many things, but I'll never apologize for loving you too much..." That was it; I broke. The remaining fragments of the walls I had built around me shattered into dust."James, please don't," I quietly begged."I loved you... I still do, and I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear, but I do love you, Natalia. I never stopped, and now I know for sure I never will." And just like that, I collapsed into him. I wrapped my arms around his waist and rested my head on his chest. I could hear his heartbeat, in sync with mine. He was utterly calm as he also embraced me and kissed the top of my head."Never let me go again," I whispered."I don't plan to, as long as you stop pushing me away.""I might actually consider it now." I chuckled softly, still holding him tightly.We stayed like that for much longer than necessary, but neither of us seemed eager to break the embrace. I felt safe, comfortable, and oddly vulnerable—something I hadn't experienced in so long."You know, now I think I get your unusual nickname." I giggled, my face still buried in his chest."We're sort of making peace here, but go ahead and tease me.""It's not teasing; I think it just makes sense. Bucky as a Bucky Bear, since you give amazing hugs." I smiled proudly, pleased with myself, as he burst into genuine laughter.I loved his laugh; I didn't think I had ever heard it before."I love your explanation. Does that mean you'll call me Bucky now?""Absolutely not; it still sounds silly." I giggled, and he kissed the top of my head again. "What if we sit down? You exhausted me during training today. But can we continue with these Bucky Bear hugs?" I lifted my head to look at him, and he simply nodded, a smile on his face.