You are the only one that understand (Bucky & Natasha)

Part 19

Oh, did I cry my eyes out?
Was weeping on James' shoulder, all night long. When I stop, I stopped because there weren't any more tears left.
James carried me in a shower and washed my shivering body.

I wasn't cold. No, I. Well, I don't know what I feel. It is emptiness.
He put me back in a warm bed and wrapped me in covers sitting next to me as he stroked my hair. He knows that always puts me asleep, but this time it doesn't work.

My mind is buzzing like crazy while my body completely shut down.
I have so many questions but felt like something is stuck in my throat, preventing myself from sleeping.

I know it is morning. Shimmery curtains didn't do much to prevent light coming into the room, but I have no idea what time it is. Not that it matters anyway.
Couldn't make myself care about anything right now. Till James suddenly stops and jumps off the bed, walking to the doors.

I hope he is not leaving me. I hope he knows I need him even if I can't say it.
He opens the doors that reveal Steve.
"Bucky?" Steves jaw hit the floor, and he opened his mouth and closed it a few times before he cleared his throat awkwardly and looked between James and me.

James looked at me silently asking if he should kick him out or let in.
I'm tired, so tired. It's been a long week, and then I cry for the majority of the night, but physical exhaustion is nothing compared with what's in my head.
I just nod to James, and I know he knows what I mean.
He opened the doors wider. "We need to talk."

"Hell yeah, we do. What is going on, when did you got here ?" Steve bubbles with questions, but I know he is happy to see his friend back and in one piece.
"Last night, now sit down." James orders and Steve quickly pulls the chair closer to the bed where James sits down, helping me to get up too.

I look at him, and I know what he knows what I'm thinking.
"Only if you want to. It's fine by me, but if you feel like it's too much, too soon at once, you don't have to."
"But I do. I'm so tired of secrets." I bite my lip and look at Steve patiently waiting. "If what you said is true." I now look at James and take his hand, squeezing it tight. "It will come out eventually."
"Guys you know you can trust me, right?" We both look at Steve and then back at each other.
"He is right." I agree, and James puffs airdropping back on the bed next to me.

"Do we have time?" I ask Steve, and he nods.
"We do, tell me what happens."
"Remember when I said something happened years ago in London, that I don't like to talk about it?"
"Yeah." Steve slides on the edge of his seat, and I look at him. I know I can trust him and I need to tell someone else then just James before I get insane.

"I probably should start with this." I look at my lap, nervously playing with my fingers. A habit I don't have. Well, I didn't for years.
James leans on his elbow, and his other hand gently strokes my tight for so I needed comfort as I dive straight in one of the worst times in my life. I am leading to THE worst.

"Remember I said before this. In the red room, when you pass the test." I look at James that smirks to me and even my lips curl in a little smile, that vanishes way too quickly. "After you pass, there is a graduation ceremony -"
"Yeah, I know. The-" Steve's own words die in an empty room, but I need to be stronger.

"They sterilise you." I finish his words, and Steve only nods, hiding his pity by looking away. At least he knows now better, then feeling empathy for me.
"Well, I didn't do it. Not at that time at least." Steve's headshots up and his eyes widen.
"They get doctors that do this to girls, but all they know is that it's a name, not how anyone looks." I smile to myself as I remember a brave woman that stood there for me when I need it, and it gets easier to keep talking.

"Yelena, in the red room, she was like a sister to me. We were super close and stood there for each other. We train together, we live together, and we share secrets." I curl my fingers in a fist and take a sharp breath. "Yelena got there instead of me."
"That is some sacrifice. But- I thought you did this?" I could tell how uncomfortable Steve stirs in his chair, but it's part of my life and who I'm today.

"Eventually, I got caught, but at my graduation, I was four months pregnant." Steve chokes on the air, and I tap James gently, asking to bring his friend water before he dies.
James gives Steve a bottle of water and taps him on the shoulder.
Steve looks at him and then me, shaking his head before he has a drink.

"You were pregnant?" He points at me, and I nod. "And you!" He glares at James, and he just rolls his eyes dripping back in a bed next to me.
"I didn't even have a chance to tell James at that point. But Yelena knew. She knew how much trouble I would be in if anyone found out." Tears instantly picked up in my eyes, but James' hand on my back was distracting me enough to talk.

"When we met for a mission, I was already a little bit over six months and knew I wouldn't be able to hide it much longer. That's when I told James, and he insists for me to run." I don't even dare to look at James. It was always a sensitive topic for both of us. "The guy we were after wasn't too hard to get, and James did the most work himself. Then we opened the safe to get a file for KGB. It also loaded with cash that no-one will miss. Plenty to run and start a new life, so we took it. James put it in his bag with a gun, and nobody even bothered to check as we got back. That night we met and James gave a bag and told the security pass, we easily get past the guards, everything went to the plan, and I could just take off... But I didn't." I choke. Tears roll down my cheek, and when I look at James next to me, he didn't look back.

I still remember how mad he was at me then, and I believe he may still are.
"Why, Nat?" Steve's own eyes waters and I just cry.
"I couldn't. I couldn't do it. I know how stupid it sounds now, but I was so scared that some will catch me when I'm without James." I squeeze James' hand, and he returns it. Bringing my hand to his lips and kissing it softly, making me sob harder.

"What happens?" Steve wipes tears that escaped his eyes and sniff his nose, trying to keep together, because I think even he knows what will happen next.
"Well... For starters, James got mad at me and kept convincing me to run, but at that point, I already made my mind. I wanted to stay with him, so we got caught." My whole body shakes, and I don't even try to control my tears anymore, just turn to James and wrap my hands around his neck, crying like mad.

"I guess you can call it the forced C section." James continues instead of me, and I can't be more grateful.
"Did you..." Steve again chokes on his own words, and I feel James nod.
"Oh, they make me watch. Nat passed out from pain because they don't give her anything at all. And then they got a baby. It wasn't crying." James' body is stiff, and I press myself closer to him. I feel it is hard for him even to speak, but that's why he is more potent than me. "Doctor announced that the baby is dead."

I wasn't even me that had to say it, but I still cried.
The room got quiet as I just held myself wrapt in James's arms and Steve probably was too shocked to say anything. So I poke James in the rib, and he looks at me.
"Tell him what you told me." He inhales, but Steve speaks first.

"Now, I get it. I understand why you too getaway. You were after people that did that to you. I understand." Steve cleans his tears, stained face and nods in approval.
It honestly means more than he knows.

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AN: Sorry for all the mistakes I most likely left. No time for editing.
Just one question. Would you like to meet Lily?
-Dy🖤