1,825 days later; before you exit. (discontinued)

Ellie, part one.

Emptiness. Sadness. Despair.

She crossed out the words from the paper she wrote it on and tore it off.

I want to get better.

"That's more like it," she muttered to herself.

"El," her boyfriend, Toby, called out from the hall. When he entered the room, he was surprised that she wasn't clad in a tank top and sweatpants anymore, but instead she had showered and put on more presentable clothes. With a smile, Toby said, "Riley's here."

It was her third week of therapy, and the brothers have been taking turns in accompanying her. She went twice a week, on Mondays and Fridays. The cycle of who to take her to therapy had been youngest to eldest, since Toby was the one who got the idea.

She wondered how Toby could still put up with her after almost a year of crying herself to sleep, of almost dying three times, of a shit ton of manic episodes. She knew not to push him away, because it wasn't him that made her this way. It was the stress of the media. She had encountered a lot of people maligning her, and people that made her feel okay for a while until they revealed that they were not who they seemed to be. And let's not get started with internet bullies. Although she still made YouTube videos, all she has on social media now is Tumblr, which she rarely actually posted on now.

The clinic was only a thirty-minute drive, and it relieved her to think that way because if it had been longer, she wouldn't know how to put up with it. "How are you? The truth," Riley said. Since Ellie had gotten herself into therapy, her friends have been adding 'the truth' to the end of their sentences whenever they asked her how she's doing, which was understandable. "I feel less like killing myself today," she said, which disturbed Riley a little bit. But hey, at least she was opening up, right?

They got to the clinic with ease, and sessions usually take two hours a day. Whoever took her there waits for her, and most times they wait for her at Starbucks.

"I'll be at Starbucks when you need me, but I'll still come get you," said Riley. "Okay," said Ellie, getting off of the car and slinging her bag on her shoulder. She took another look at Riley before walking up to the clinic's entrance.

-----------

"So, Elliana, how are we feeling?" asked Dr. Stinson, a tall, brown-eyed man from New York, just like Ellie.

"I'm laying off the negative thoughts. It's hard to do at first, but I'm getting used to it. I stuck to your diet plan, and the schedule. I think things are sort of looking up," said Ellie.

"You know, this sort of depression can be cured. I looked over your records and it seems that you had taken a lot of bullying back in your high school," said Dr. Stinson.

"And it went back after a few years on YouTube," Ellie continued.

"You're very good at talking about pop culture and making skits. I've watched a couple of videos. And the fact that you came out to your viewers about your condition is a very big step. It's smart that you disabled your comments, too, so no trolls could say anything about it.

"You're diagnosed with situational depression. It's the sort of depression that is depression itself, but only short-term. And it's usually caused by a traumatic event in your past. Clinical depression could last for years, a whole lifetime. Situational depression can last for only months and could be treated almost as fast as it took its course."

"But what about the suicidal thoughts? My self harm? Those are all situational?" Ellie asked.

"Situational depression has the same symptoms of clinical depression. Those scratches you made on yourself and possibly thinking, attempting to commit suicide... those were all in the heat of the moment. I say we start actual treatment, no medication. Meds can make your body depend on it. Your case is quite serious, but let's not make it worse. Once you feel better without meds, your condition will bite you back again twice as hard, so let's take this all naturally. We'll figure that out soon," replied Dr. Stinson. Wow, Ellie thought, he was good.

"Let's see your entries." He was talking about another diary, a better one.

OCTOBER 28, 2019

I went for a run with my friend Mimi today. I listened to Meet The Vamps, the deluxe edition, and sang Risk It All on the top of my lungs at my apartment's rooftop with Mimi and Tris. Then we decided to get tickets for their acoustic show next month. It was the first time I felt myself smile again. It's weird. But it's a good feeling. My boyfriend Toby wanted to make sure I was okay, and it's the first time I didn't push him away in months. Then he told me he wanted to make a cover of a song with me. He told me he wanted to cover a happy The Vamps song, for my sake. I told him I wanted to cover Oh, Cecilia. We start filming tomorrow after therapy. :) It's probably going to take a few days to upload though.

"Is this a real smiley?" asked Stinson. Ellie laughed lightly. "Yes," she said. "I expect this cover to be legendary, because you're finally going back to your normal routines again."

OCTOBER 31, 2019

The people who've supported me never left. I called my mom today and she said she wanted me to come home and take a breather. I talked it out with my friends. Of course I said yes.

"It's a vast improvement, don't you think? From our first session on the 17th when I gave you this logbook you were all 'I ate. I drank. I didn't let Toby sleep in my room.' Now look at you," said Stinson.

"Maybe I do need a breather," said Ellie.

"I recommend you go back to New York to your mother for a while. We can skip next Monday's session if you need that much time," Dr. Stinson replied.

A few more conversations and a few notes later, Ellie was done with her session. She went out feeling lighter than she did. She didn't know what it was, but it was great. She checked her sleeve, and the wounds were closing in. A line of small butterflies were drawn across the untouched parts of her cuts, one of each for Toby, Connor, Mimi and Tris. Tris had drawn a smaller butterfly next to her own, symbolizing the baby she was about to have.

She called Riley. "Let's bring home coffee for the gang?"

Ellie could hear the smile in Riley's voice when he said, "Yeah, sure. I'll be there in five."

*

"Promise me you'll always call?" asked Toby, two days later. "Yes, babe, I will," said Ellie. "It's so good to see you smile again," he said, his head buried in his neck.

"I love you."

"I love you more, Ellie."