Every Last Piece

chapter twenty-five

CARSON HAS HIS GUITAR thrown over his shoulder and his suitcase beside him as we stand at the train station, the afternoon sun drenching everything around us. I've only ever been here once, back when I was three or four and Mom took me to see Dad off. If I remember right, he had a small gig in New York, before his band had a name. Lately I've been thinking about how my life sometimes mirrors his; I've never been an addict, but I've loved one. And he was the addict who was loved by someone else. I don't know what any of it means, or if it means anything at all. But I feel like everything I've put up with in my life has led to this single moment.

It's not a movie-magic farewell or nothing. Cigarette butts litter the area and trash cans stink as they simmer in the heat. But at least there're only a few other people here, all scattered far away, so it feels like Carson and I are alone. Val insisted on coming for the drive, but she's sitting on the hood of my car behind us on her phone. Carson glances around the lot and shifts on his heels. Soon he'll be so far away from me.

"I've never left home before," he says, and the sun catches in his brown eyes just enough to highlight the green. He looks older in a way; more handsome than I've seen him, even though he's still so thin. "Would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous as hell."

"You'll be alright," I say. "I know you will."

"Never even been to a big city. That was your dream, Jill, not mine."

Grinning, I nudge him with my elbow. "Hey, I'll get there eventually. You've got the best reason in the world to go right now. But I still have to stick around and help out with Dee's. After my gap year, I'll be in university."

"If anyone deserves it, it's you."

I rock on my heels. In the distance, the train's horn wails. He'll be gone soon. I'll keep living in this town, but at least Carson will be okay.

"Can't stop thinking about my mom," he says, and my eyes snap to him. He averts his stare as his lips twitch. "About what she did to me."

"Whatever you're feeling, it's okay. It's okay to feel betrayed, or sad, or totally pissed off. What she did to you was unforgivable."

He wipes his eyes with the sleeve of his red hoodie. "I know. Even Garnett and Lucas are on my side. They're gonna take care of her, and they said if I never wanna see her again, they get it. She's sick too. At least my brothers will deal with her now. They don't think she ever poisoned them."

Even after what she did, he still worries. He's like me in so many ways, because part of me will always fear that phone call when my dad dies. Part of me will always be hoping he'll get better.

Carson's tears fall and filter the sunlight through them. "Everything I ever felt was dampened, Jill. I always wondered why I felt so empty inside, why I wasn't happy like other kids were. First time I ever realized I could make myself feel was when I huffed glue. God, I must've been like eight years old. That's how it all started. But then I discovered the hard shit, and I always knew it was wrong. I wanted to be happy on my own, but even when I stopped doing blow, I was hollow."

I don't know what to say. It feels like I've done nothing but cry over the past few days, whether they were tears of happiness or sadness.

"Everything with you was real though," Carson says. "I swear, after loving you for so many years and believing I'd never have a shot, it was the most incredible experience of my life. I'm so sorry for all the hurt I caused."

Emotions build inside me until I can't take them anymore; I throw my arms around his neck, and he hugs me back, tighter than he ever has. I kiss him hard on the lips before I pull away.

"I forgive you," I say. "And I'll wait for you."

He smiles wide. "I'll wait for you too."

When Carson sets me down, I place my hand on his cheek. "But before you go, I want to ask you something."

"Anything."

I'm shaking from my core all the way to my bones. It hurts to suggest this, because as much as I want Carson to get better, it's still painful to see him go. But he has to, and I'm happy about that. He deserves a better life, even if it's in Chicago.

So I say, "Just—don't come back, Carson. Make a better life for yourself, and we'll find each other again, okay?"

"Okay. I promise."

We kiss again as the train thunders down the tracks, its silver body gleaming under the blue sky.

"Guess this is it," he says and wipes his palms on his jeans.

"Don't worry. I know you can do this."

He gives me a crooked smile that makes me melt inside, before he kisses me again, surrounding me with his smell. The smell I thought I'd never get to experience again.

I'm so happy you're alive.

Pulling away, he breathes out, "I love you, Jill. Thank you for everything."

All at once, this gets so real. My heart drums against my ribcage, and every tingly, fluttery feeling he's ever gave me returns in full force. "I love you too," I say and try not to cry. "Goodbye, Carson."

Our fingertips graze each other once more before he pulls away. I wave to him as he runs to the train and gets on, then moves down the aisle. When he settles in his seat, he waves at me through the window, and I wave back even faster than before.

Within minutes, he's gone. A warm breeze flows through the now-empty train station and leaves a hollowness in my soul.

What I know I should feel and what I do feel are two different things; I should be happier, but God, it hurts so much to see him go. Why are the men I love always so out of reach? It's better this way, I know that. And when Carson and I meet again, maybe he'll be clean for good and we'll make it work, and he won't be like my dad. Maybe next time, wherever we end up, he'll never have to leave.

The train speeds away. I run back over to Val, who stands at attention.

"Think he's gonna be okay?" she asks.

"Yeah." I tuck my hands into the pockets of my jeans. "He'll be okay."

"Always knew you two'd end up together. If he gets his shit together, he might even deserve you."

"I want him to get better for him, not for me." I smile. "But I think we can still have a future together someday."

"See? Wedding bells."

"Might be a little early for that."

"Uh-huh."

We get into the car, me in the driver's seat, Val in the passenger's side. "You going to be my maid of honor then?" I ask jokingly as I buckle my seatbelt.

Val shoves me with a cackle and says, "You'd be dead if you asked someone else."

"Wouldn't dream of it."

Val keeps teasing me about Carson, and a warm wave of happiness ripples through me, taking over my sadness the same way the light soaks up the sky. Maybe things aren't perfect, but things don't need to be perfect to be okay. We made it out alive.

So I laugh, flick on the radio, and drive into the sun.