Lunar Reviews [OPEN]

2 | what we left behind

Title: What We Left Behind
Author: stxrkissed

PRAISE

Your story was written AMAZINGLY well. The imagery is wonderfully expressive and vibrant, although at times a bit too lofty to really latch onto. You did a spectacular job bringing out your characters' world and showing their personalities, physical appearance, and so on without info-dumping.

TO WORK ON

There's not a whole lot, but I will talk about a few things.

At times, the sentences were a bit lengthy. Maybe it's just me but they seemed overdrawn. Most of the time it was a case of a really long sentence that could have been split into two different sentences. But idk, maybe no one else sees it that way 😝 that's more of a personal opinion.

There were a few stumbles in flow but they were minor, as were the grammar/spelling mistakes. (Which honestly I barely noticed.)

I think the biggest thing (which really isn't that huge) is that the story picks up a bit too slowly. The backstory is told poetically without much solid explanation of what actually happened, as I'd something is supposed to be hidden. This isn't bad in itself, but when I read the description about the virus breaking out and the mysterious gray-eyed boy, I was hungry to have less romanticizing the past and more shifting into the present conflict. If that makes sense. But once things did start up, the pace held well and the plot carried across very interestingly.

OVERALL VIEW

I'm blown away by your talent. Granted, it's not New York Times Bestselling Stuff yet, but I can tell just how much effort you put into this. Your characters have life and significance. Really all it needs, like I said before, is a bit less lofty romanticizing. (It is great to have this, but not too much and not for too long.)

Amazing job. I highly recommend this to sci-fi fans or anyone looking for a wildly colorful and unique world ;D

EXTRA
you don't necessarily need this, but as I said in your comments, it'll be for future reference in case you find yourself struggling.

When writing character descriptions...

Your readers obviously need a physical description of your character but where to put it, and how much to tell? A lot of new writers tend to info-dump. Right when we're introduced to the character, we receive an overdetailed paragraph of what they look like, or a lot of awkwardly place adjectives. (You didn't do this, congrats xD)

The best times to give insight on a characters appearance are listed below. There are exceptions, but these are all I can think of.

1. When the character is evaluating himself. You did this when Fei Hong caught a glimpse of her reflection and realized how much she had changed. Other ways include when they're nagging themselves about a body insecurity they have or comparing themself to someone they envy.

2. Through someone else's eyes. When two people first meet, the first impression is almost always appearance. This is kind of important especially when writing in first person, because most people, when narrating their own story from their own POV, don't take the time to describe exactly how they look. Someone else seeing them and appraising them for the first time might.

3. When he's being speculated or observed. Basically in scenes like "I barely know you and I'm trying to figure out who you are by picking out unique things about your appearance. By staring for a beat too long."

4. When he's just gone through a dramatic change in appearance. After makeover scenes! Or when a character dyes his hair for a disguise, dons a costume, or has been disfigured, etc.

5. When he's being compared to someone else. Oh, hello, nephew whom I've never met! You have your mother's eyes. (Idk 😂)

There are more I'm sure, but those are the most common. Another extra tip that you've probably already heard is don't overdescribe the eyeballs. I don't immediately pick out a persons exact shade of amber brown twinkly eyes when I talk to them.

However, if I was sitting very close to that person, staring deeply into their eyes and having a *moment*, then yeah I might 😂

So yeah, give the most noticeable features first and foremost, and the more detailed things when two characters are close and sharing a moment, whatever that moment might be.