Lunar Reviews [OPEN]

9| sakura eyes

Title: Sakura Eyes
Author: naeomiiii

Sorry this took so long 😂

PRAISE

Although the wording/word choice was sometimes a little awkward, you had good, expressive imagery and took time to set the scene so that the readers knew where they were. The characters were introduced fantastically, and the plot held up really well as far as I read and was uniquely interesting. I liked how you left small cliffhangers!

TO WORK ON

I think that, for the most part, you're just in need of general improvements. Things like building up your writing style and a more vibrant vocabulary, and learning even more about writing techniques, etc. So you can put more life into your work. I noticed some melodrama, which isn't all that uncommon, but does need to be taken care of. The dialogue was slightly forced/plastic at times but for the most part was realistic and readable.

I think the biggest problem I saw happened right in the first few paragraphs. You were describing what happened as May wandered off toward a stall of dumplings, describing the fear she felt when her sister's hand suddenly touched her. This and the way you introduced the story all led me to believe the story was set in third person... then BAM it's in the first person from May's sister's POV. It was confusing.

If you write a story in the first person, be sure the entire story is in the first person. Sometimes there will be exceptions for this when it comes to prologues but most often not. And it is okay to do that style where each chapter is written from a different person's POV, but when you do that, be sure that when a character is narrating, you're not getting the thoughts/internal feelings of other characters. Only what that one character can sense while they're narrating.

That's part of why your switch confused me. I was getting May's emotions and her heart fluttering in alarm, but realistically, May's sister wouldn't have been able to feel that, so when you write in the first person but also give the thoughts/internal stuff of other characters that the narrator shouldn't be able to feel or sense, it just kinda confuses everybody because how do they know that their friend is thinking about dinner?

Basically, you can show the emotions, reactions, opinions, etc. of characters other than the protagonist in a first person story, but only based off of what the narrator can sense in some way. Otherwise its gonna look like the narrator is a mind reader or something.

But that's the biggest thing I noticed and it's a pretty easy fix, so great job!

OVERALL

You're clearly very talented and imaginative. I really think people will enjoy this story. You created mystery and some suspense in the mix of the characters' everyday lives, which isn't an easy thing to do. Great work, and keep writing! ♡