Because You're Different ✔

83. Selfish [Part 1]

June

The same song had been playing on repeat for the last six hours, making me feel nothing with its silent words and grieving guitars. I was only aware of my own breathing — everything else I did was on autopilot, showing tickets, boarding planes, looking out the window. Of course, it was raining in New York, and I was thankful for it. Sunshine would've been too unreal.

I'd fallen for it again. After all those lessons teaching me I could never be normal in other people's eyes, I'd fallen for it again. My own fault.

When I opened the door, the apartment was empty, no Valentina or David to be seen. Dirty mugs and caked up plates still filled the sink, washed clothes stood to dry next to the couch, and a small puddle was already forming beneath the buzzing fridge. Almost like nothing had changed in those two weeks, while my heart told me everything had changed.

Time to stop the music. I knew it would let in all the pain, I knew it would hurt so bad, but right now, I was at least alone. I could cry by myself, hug myself to sleep, put on a brave face tomorrow.

I dumped my bag and yanked out my earbuds.

No hurt could come yet, though, because I wasn't alone at all.

Suddenly, a bone-deep tiredness seeped through my body, nestling itself in every little corner. The universe really was doing its best to get me down today. Had I ever done anything to deserve this? Maybe the past lives thing was true, and I'd committed some horrifying crimes in my previous one. By now, that was the only logical explanation left.

I shuffled to my bedroom door and opened it. On the bed sat my mother, holding Luis in her arms while he sniffed softly, patting him on the back and singing like she used to sing for me. I hadn't seen her in a while, and although that was how I liked it best, witnessing her giving her love to a child that wasn't me was another jab at my already shattered heart. She looked up at me, her eyes sharp, taking my appearance in with her lips pressed together.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, before she could comment on my return, or on the dress I was still wearing, totally inappropriate for the situation and the weather.

She raised her eyebrows, like that was a weird question. "Babysitting. Paciencia sprained her ankle trying to get on a packed train."

If only tía Paciencia would've lived up to her name for once and possessed even an ounce of patience, I wouldn't be standing here, talking to the last person I wanted to talk to right now. "Well, as you can see, you're not needed anymore. I'm here now. So, you can leave."

Something sour played with the corner of her mouth, and she seemed to stare right through me. I despised how well she knew me, my own mother, how well she knew me but still wanted me to be someone else. "What's the matter, June? Rich, white boy didn't want to marry you?"

Fuck. That one went straight through me, cutting me right down the middle. Did she have some kind of mind-reading powers? If so, did she really need to prod into my wounds, dig a little deeper? "No, he didn't, actually," I said, trying to keep my voice steady. "Not that it's any of your business."

That stern frown on her face, only making her older than she already seemed, with her big sweater and grey-streaked hair falling to her shoulders. She had gotten so many wrinkles in such a short time, almost like her body was already giving up. "Any rich, white boys who my daughter pines for are my business. I warned you, remember, and you didn't listen."

I huffed. Go away, you witch. If this was what your love was like, I didn't need it. All at once, my anger returned, waking up my befuddled brain. I burned my eyes into hers, only it never seemed to affect her in any way. "You know, you're really confusing sometimes, mom. You used to tell me I should marry him. And then, for some reason, you completely changed your mind." She didn't respond to that, just kept on caressing Luis' small back, his big head leaning on her shoulder. "I've never understood why, to be honest."