i joke about * all the time but it's looking really fucking nice right now.
thinking about everything makes me want to *
life is so fucking hard. i cant talk about it to anyone either because i've already faked being happy to get out of therapy once because i hated my therapist and i was out on meds that made me want to actually commit. if i try to say something again my mom will be like " but you're fine??" and i could never talk about it with my dad because he always takes about how anyone who has depression or is feeling suicidal is just selfish and lazy. i don't want him to think about me like that because he already expects so much from me. he wants the best for me and i know that. i love him to death but i just cant say anything to him. he's already disappointed in most of the things i've done. he says he doesn't care but i know he does. i would hate to disappoint him even more than i already have. it breaks my heart to know deep down that he hates who i'm turning out to be. he doesn't know that much but i think he's really catching onto things and i don't want him to have to worry about me. i don't want him to worry about losing another kid.
i'm so so so anxious because of school. i literally cry at least once a day at school and i hate it. i absolutely hate it. it's so stupid. i hate it there. it makes me feel so weak. some people say that highschool was the time of their life but i cant understand how? it makes me want to die. the assignments just keep piling and piling up because i don't have the motivation. that's sound like such a poor excuse but i genuinely cant bring myself to do such a small thing because i'm so mentally exhausted. it sucks so so bad. i really wish i had a normal mentality. i wish i could just function right. i don't want to feel this way anymore.
i hate seeing people everyday. it genuinely makes me sick. i hate being stared at through the halls. it makes me feel like i can't breathe. but i just have to push through it right? right??
high school is so scary.
i really just want to disappear. genuinely want to be gone. i would do anything to just skip over this part of life. it sucks so so bad.
i hate myself. i really really hate myself. i'm so bored with my looks. i'm so ugly. inside and out. i have no personality. i'm annoying. i cry too much. i over react. i need so much reassurance.
i genuinely cant take this anymore.
