Struck by Lightning

27. There's Nothing Crazy 'Bout Me

Decision day approached and neither Freddie nor Klok could come up with anything to stop the inevitable – Amanda remained the only suspect. The last strands of hope slipped away with each dead end.

She chatted through her options with Ivo. Although dizziness and fear still plagued her sometimes, she mostly hid it from him. Now she realised she may as well tell him everything given that either it would come out in court or she'd be taken away by men in white coats.

He was very pragmatic about it to the point of being cold, but no different to what she expected. He, of course, agreed with Klok that the best option was to go down the diminished responsibility route due to her mental health and get treatment. He said he'd help pay so she could get the best, and she assured him she would contribute as much as she could. It made it sound as though she'd accepted her fate, which brought on a wave of nausea whenever she thought about it.

The day of the decision arrived. Amanda had perfected the art of non-decision-making many years ago. It turned out that if you delayed making a choice long enough, one would be made for you. And sure enough, she vaguely remembered being in a room with two policemen, Klok, a stern-looking doctor and a court official. Klok spoke for her and she sat with her head lowered, silent tears running down her face as her self-respect slipped away with them.

She realised in that moment this had always been her fear from the day her illness started; that people would believe she was insane. And there she was, ten years later, with a big insanity badge, about to be carted away.

Ivo kept his distance even though the money kept coming, Freddie wasn't supposed to contact her, she had no friends; not really, and she hadn't spoken to her family for many years. She knew this was entirely her fault - she'd pushed people away when she became ill, preferring to deal with it alone. Freddie the only person able to get close, and she pushed him away many times. Why he insisted on coming back for more was beyond her. But right then, on the verge of being locked away, she had never been so alone.

She supposed the ill version of her wasn't worthy of human connection, with nothing to offer people in return. She was simply a burden. For someone who once prided herself on her independence, this was impossible to comprehend. She wondered if she'd ever stop crying.

***

The first week at the facility passed in a blur. It was like being away on a health retreat. She stayed in a nice room, given three balanced meals a day, made to do yoga and mindfulness classes, to spend time outside, to go swimming, to sing, dance, draw, write. She did everything without fuss but without actually being present. Her body was there, but her mind long gone.

She had to detox from everything - bad food, coffee, alcohol, tobacco, drugs, electronics, the internet, the outside world full-stop. In some ways, it was cleansing, in others frightening. She'd lived in a state of disconnectedness on and off during her illness, but never to this extreme. And this time no alcohol or drugs were available to numb the pain.

In between all these activities and abstinences that were supposed to be good for her, she was prodded and poked, questioned and examined, by the array of doctors. She tried to be compliant, but being treated like a lab rat drove her mad. In her room at night, she would cry and cry, overwhelmed by what was happening to her, feeling unable to stop it.

After the first few weeks, they returned her laptop to her and gave access to the internet to write and research again. This lifted her spirits a little. She had no problem writing with pen and paper, but she much preferred typing as she could type almost as fast as she could think.

By the fourth week, they allowed her visitors. Ivo didn't come immediately, but he did come to visit on the following Friday.

"How are you doing, babe?" he asked as he joined her in one of the gardens. Winter was approaching so the trees were bare, but the sun shone down on them casting a glow along the horizon.