illicit funds • j cody

SIXTEEN

💸 J MAKES A CHOICE 💸

Do I believe he loves me? I don't know. Even after speaking with my father, I still find it highly unlikely that he has those kinds of feelings for me, much less that he would tell his grandmother about them if he really did.

It's hard to describe the way he acts towards me. I can tell that he cares about me, that was obvious with his frenzied phone call the night after I met with Smurf. She must've boasted to him about rattling me with the whole story about my mother, and J, being the caring boyfriend he is, felt the need to make sure I was okay.

I told him I was fine, and in all honesty I am. If anything it's nice to have closure. To know that Mom's death wasn't my fault, nor was it really Dad's either. It was just an unfortunate incident that often comes with working in this trade, that's all. Obviously I still miss her and wish she could've been around for me growing up, but now knowing that she did know and love me for our short time together, lessens the sadness a little.

Everything just makes sense now. I understand why my father's grief for her has always been so intense, because it's more guilt than anything. He's blamed himself for her death for all these years and not had a single person to talk to about it. I feel horrible that he's had to silently suffer with that secret for so long.

The final thing that the truth has given me is a sense of purpose. Yes, Mom did die to save me, but she also died so Dad could continue his business, and I can't help but feel that I should start learning how continue it. Should something happen to my father, I should be able to take over so our whole life doesn't fall apart. I think it's time for my beaten body to take a break from fighting, and focus on a permanent future. I've come to realize it's my duty to carry on the family business and our dynasty.

But anyway, back to J. It's plain as day that he cares about me, but sometimes he's just unavailable emotionally. There are times when I feel like there are a million things he wants to tell me, but holds back and only says a few, if any at all. I know he's had a rough life, and he has a lot of issues bottled up inside, but if he wants to have a relationship with me, he should let his walls down just a little, especially when I try my very hardest to let down my own.

Tonight it feels like his walls are especially high. We sit on opposite ends of the couch in my apartment in Oceanside while a movie plays. He's barely spoken to me, visibly tense, and is clearly deep in thought. He probably has issues with his family going on that he doesn't want to involve me in. While I appreciate him trying to protect me, I still want to be able to help him.

I move over to him and begin attempting to rub the tension from his shoulders. I do it often, so he barely reacts.

"I can feel the anxiety radiating off you," I murmur, "is everything alright?"

I feel him slouch a little, looking defeated. "This heist is coming up, and I don't know what's going to happen," he sighs, "Smurf's a loose cannon, and I just can't help but feel like she's going to do something that will get us all killed. She's definitely going to get herself killed, that's a guarantee. There's no other reason she'd want to steal from some of the most heavily armed people in the state."

I brush my thumb along his cheekbone, "I'm sorry you have to go through that," I pause, "is there anything else you want to tell me?"

He bites his lip, "She asked that I have you come along with us. She wants you to drive."

"Why?" This family is so fucking insane.

He shrugs, "She wants to test you. I don't want you to—"

"I'll do it," I say, I can tell that he needs me to be there, even if he says he doesn't want me there. Maybe if I'm there I can control the situation a little bit, prevent anything bad from happening to him. "Don't forget that I've done my fair share of dangerous things in my life, I can handle this."