Criminal minds secrets

I'm sorry

Spencer's pov
I saw the team sit and watch me die. My heartbeat flatlined as I watched them cry I heard a noise behind me. I turned around to see David Smiths.
"what is it spencer life or death," he said
I looked at the team and looked at my body then back to Smiths.
"i..i want to live," I said.

Before long I started to open my eyes I moved my fingers I opened my eyes fully to see everyone crying. I managed to croak out "I'm sorry" JJ looked up at the bed before rubbing her eyes.

"you're alive or am I hallucinating," she said, this made everyone look at her and me.

"I'm sorry," I say again but louder.

At that point, Garcia stood up and said "You're selfish spencer, I hare you I can't believe you did this for attention, I fucking hate you" she said before storming out, everyone else remained silent.

I burst out in tears, she was right I am selfish.

Everyone sat looking at me they just let me cry.

"I'm selfish I know you all hate me, please just go I don't want to be surrounded by people that hate me," I said

"i don't hate you, Spence," JJ said

"stop fucking lying to me just leave," I said raising my voice with that they all stood and slowly walked out I could see the hurt in Derek's eyes but he hates me just like everyone else.

I made a mistake, I should have died they all hate me. I was sick of it doctors we're in checking my vitals and things but once the last doctor left I pulled off all the tubes and wirings that we're on my body and swung myself out of the hospital ned I grabbed my clothes and put them on. I walked out of the room I needed to think. I walked out of the hospital. I went for a walk I was going to go home but I had no keys. I ended up going to the park. I was walking past the duck pond when I started to not be able to feel my feet as I walked over to the nearest bench my head went all fuzzy and then it all went silent and black.

I woke up to be once again back in the hospital with Derek sat by my side. I frowned before turning away from him.

"Spence" he said softly "please just listen to me"
I turned to look at him and he placed his hand on mine

"Spencer, I love you, you should know that and yeah I am a tiny bit mad but only at myself because I obviously made it hard for you to talk to me. I know your recovery will be long and I will be there helping you through it the full team will be because we are family remember, and watching you flatline I felt like someone had ripped my heart out of my chest and smashed it into the tiniest of pieces. Spencer, you might think the full world hates you and I know you are deeply hurt by what Penelope said but Spencer she is hurting bad and baby boy I know you are too but like I said I will be here for you. I love you spencer, I really do"

This just made me cry even more my emotions we're all messed up. All I could feel was pain and sadness.

"Im sorry I really am it... It was I have been hurting for a while these suicidal thoughts were getting worse because I didn't talk I now know after listening to you all while I was in that coma thing how much I actually mean to you, I thought I was just useless like I was holding you down but you showed me that I wasn't, I'm so so sorry Derek. Now I have messed everything, I will lose my job, I have lost my friends, I have messed us up. I'm so so sorry, I'm so sorry Derek" I said in hysterics.

"Hey, hey come on now baby boy I wish you could have talked to me okay but you haven't lost your friends and trust me this team will do anything to keep you here okay we will do anything for you spence, now how about we call back the others so you can fully explain yourself"

"one last thing, yes I will be your boyfriend," I said

"wait, you're telling me that you heard that," he said shocked

"yeah I did, it was weird really, it was one of the reasons I decided to live." I said

"explain when everybody gets here, okay baby and you really need to find me a nickname," he said chuckling at the end.

"Okay then let me think, come sit next to me der bear" I said

He laughed and sat on the bed next to me. We had about 30 minutes by ourselves before everyone came back, everyone except Garcia.

We spent about 3 hours together during those 3 hours I explained how sorry I was and why I did it and also the experiences I had over those last couple of days. I explained how what they said to me helped me to come back to life. They sat and listened and they explained how they're always there if I need to talk and that Garcia will eventually come around.

Maybe it was for the best living I hope it was.