Loving Zach (MxM)

10 Opportunities

When I wake up it's dark, the TV is paused on the end credits of the movie and the digital clock underneath it shows it's 9 p.m. I'm laying on my side, feeling warm and content, I blink a few times, and then my brain registers what my body is feeling. My back is pressed against a warm and solid body, and I'm using Dean's arm as a pillow, his right arm is holding me close to him. Dean is spooning me.

Shit!

I slowly try to extract myself from him, but his hold on me tightens.

"Not yet, Zach. Sleep a little more." He murmurs, his hot breath fanning against the back of my neck.

Still, I wiggle a little. I think I feel his lips pressing against my neck, and then his arm is releasing me. I scrambled to sit up as soon as his arm is gone. He makes a noise in his throat.

"Did you have a nightmare, or are you scared of me?" He asks, not opening his eyes.

"No nightmares, not that I remember at least." I murmur, still looking at him.

Now that his eyes are closed I feel free to study him. His features and posture are relaxed, his lips full and pouty, he has a five o'clock shadow already covering his jaw and his black hair is disheveled. He looks so handsome. I may not be ready for a relationship or most of the everyday contact with the world, but I still can appreciate a fine male specimen laying on the couch. Sitting there in the dimly lit room I study him, thinking what would it have been like if I have met him before Ben. I know I wasn't normal even back then, I was, and always have been shy and self-conscious. My boyfriend in high school was pursuing me for almost a year when I finally agreed to date him, and mostly I agreed because of Anna pushing me. The fact that I was a horny teenager helped too. But then shit happened, and I didn't want any relationships. I went to university and was content with staying in the back and just getting my degree. Ben had other plans and now, here I am, with this handsome man helping me, taking care of me and I can't even let him snuggle me without freaking out. That gets me angry. Ben is still controlling me, still messing up my life and with my silence I'm letting him.

"He raped me." I spit out before I can think better of it and Dean's eyes flew open instantly.

There's a crease between his eyebrows. "Your father?" He asks.

"God, no! Ben." I say reeling back from that thought.

Dean blinks a few times. "Fuck!" He drawls, his voice is husky and low. Then he sits up a little and just looks at me.

My gaze goes to my knees and I fiddle with the hem of my shorts. "Well, it wasn't really rape, and it wasn't really him. I... I don't know." I mumbled, my anger gone and so is my confidence.

"Will you tell me about it?" Dean asks with that scratchy voice.

"He was my boyfriend and a professor at my University. He wasn't my professor, but, but he had friends in high places and he had money. At first, he was sweet and so nice to me, and when we started to live together it slowly changed. A jab here, a push there." I take a deep breath and continue. "I'm used to hearing that I'm stupid or useless." Dean makes a noise in his throat, but I just continue. "So I thought nothing of it. He started to criticize me and my choices. But when he got drunk it was worse, he was rough and sometimes would hit me. Lately he was pursuing me to have a threesome, but I told him I didn't want it." The more I tell, the more detached my voice starts to sound. Like I'm reciting an alphabet, not telling about my sordid past. "The last night he came home drunk, and he wanted to have sex, and I knew I couldn't say no. It wasn't that enjoyable, but it wasn't bad, you know, he did stretch me and used lube and made sure he didn't injure me. He told me he wanted to try to restrain me, that it would make it so much better, and I agreed. He tied me to the bed and then he called his friends." I say. My hands are tingling, my heart racing. "He let them use me. At first I tried to fight and told that I didn't want it, but he just hit me and told me to shut up and take it. I knew that if I just try to relax, there will be less... damage. I blacked out most of it anyway. When they left Ben was angry, told me I was a lousy fuck, and that I embarrassed him in front of his friends, and then he started to hit me. The next morning, while he was running some errands, I took off. I called in sick to work and stayed a few days in my car. When I went to work Marino, just handed me my last paycheck and told me, he doesn't need me. I knew I can't go back to school, so I just left. When most of the bruising was starting to fade I went to the clinic to get checked out. At least I'm clean, so that's good." I laugh humorlessly. This is the first time I have said out loud what happened that night. I take a deep breath and let it out, my head is slightly spinning. So I gulp one more breath.