Pretend

18

The soft crunches of the sand could be heard from behind Sam but she just ignored it and hugged her blanket closer to her. Sam just stared upon the the horizon. The soft waves calms her and the cold breeze sent her shivering slightly but she doesn't mind.

"You shouldn't be out here."

She heard him say with a worried tone laced on his voice.

She chuckled, a puff of breath out of her mouth turned into smoke.

"Shouldn't I be saying that?" Sam said, turning around to look at Lucas. She smiled. "Hey."

"Hey... " He said a little more quietly, sitting down beside her with a warm, thick blanket around him.

Silence flooded in between them. Sam really doesn't mind. She enjoys the silence. It's not really that awkward as she thought it would be. It was just a cold kind of silence. Like the snowy winter air.

After a while, he spoke. "Do you enjoy being here?"

Sam nodded. "Yeah... " She answered him. "It's quiet."

"I understand why you enjoy the silence out here." Lucas said as he warm up his hands by rubbing them together. "It's not really silent. It's filled with the clashing of waves and the sound of these sand and the smell. Aunt Josephine's homey house. It's so far from ours."

"It is." Sam answered timidly.

It's so far from those memories.

Silence flooded once again.

Sam glanced at him and she saw how tired his eyes looked as he stared at the endless water in front of them. He looks very timid and cautious. If Sam told her past self that Lucas was this tense, timid man, her past self might throw a fit.

Lucas was the only one that she have trusted the most out of everyone. He's like the Xendrix now but much more gentle and sweet. Sam missed the days were he would just sit on the couch with her when she's down and he would just tell embarrassing stories about himself to just make her laugh. His eyes would glow with mirth and fondness when he stared at her and she would always love it. She would always feel safe when she's in his arms.

Lucas was always a big ball of courage and confidence. Every one of her brother is and seeing him, seeing them, like this scares her.

"Why did you lie to me?" Sam found herself asking.

Why should she give him a chance?

He broke her. He lied. He's the reason why she's got anxiety and have nightmares every night. He's the one why she got PTSD.

She hugged herself closer.

But then again, he's the reason why she's got this place. She's got Xendrix, Daniel and Aunt Josephine on her side. That's something worth coming out of the hellhole.

Lucas looked at her, his eyes were filling up with tears and he rub his eyes to stop it from falling.

"Because I don't want you to get hurt, my little pumpkin..."

Sam closed her eyes as she tries to calm her raging beating heart.

"Please don't call me that." She pleaded, trying so hard to not let herself shake with the undeniable fear that's rattling her until now.

"But Sam—"

"Lucas." Sam then looked at him and she could see him in tears. It pains her but it's the proof of what he did.

Of what they did.

"I'm sorry... " He whispered as he look at her, trying to find something. Maybe forgiveness or maybe hope.

Sadly, he found none.

"I know." She answered. "I know you are."

"I want you to know that."

"I do." Sam whispered. "But I don't acknowledge your apology."

Lucas had tears falling down from his cheeks as he stared at the ocean once again.

"Why did you lie to me?" Sam questioned again, and this time, his answer was different.

"Because I didn't want you to hate me... " Lucas said, so quietly that if she wasn't sitting close to him, she wouldn't hear him. He laughed bitterly while he desperately try to wipe his tears. "But I guess that in the end, my fear of being hated by you came true."

"And that's my fault." He added. "I was so scared of letting you know that I didn't even notice that you were getting hurt. I was so busy on trying to save myself that I didn't even notice that you needed saving too."

Sam's eyes started to water as she clenched her jaw. She tried to understand their situation. She really did. But now, it's so hard. She's saving herself and she doesn't want to drown again and let them save her because she's so scared of lies now.

She's so scared that if she lied that she's okay, she'll get hurt again.

She'll get hurt over...

And over...

And over again.

"I tried to... " She gulped down her upcoming sob and continued. "I tried to understand what you guys were trying to hide from me. Really, I did. But I'm your family. You gotta understand that I had insecurities, Lucas. You gotta understand that I was curious. I'm your sister, your family and I'm still a part of it, don't you think so? Don't you think that I should know those secrets?"

"But if you did, you'll get hurt." Lucas answered but Sam chuckled. "I was trying to protect you. I was trying, Sam. I was also struggling. I was also hurt."

She knows that.

But it was better knowing the truth than live a life full of lies.

Because that just cracks the concept of family.

A family saves each other's asses, no matter what. They shouldn't keep lies from each other because they're family. They're the one who you'll trust the most even if the world comes crashing down on them. Even if the world turns its back against them. A family will and will always be the one to follow you.

But Sam guessed that not all family are perfect like she thought.

And her family just happens to be perfect at being imperfect.

"Aren't I hurt already? Aren't we all hurt already?" Sam asked, laughing at how things turned out for them. "That's the thing, right? You tried so hard to keep me away from knowing and from getting hurt that you don't know that I'm already in it hard. You don't know that you were already hurting yourself from the moment you kept it a secret from me because that day, that was the day you lied to yourself into believing that we'll be okay."

"I'm sorry." Lucas said again.

"I know... " Sam said again. "I know you are. I know, I know, I know. No matter what you say, I know that you're sorry."

"Then please..." Lucas pleaded, hid eyes was filled with fresh sadness and regret that Samantha honestly thought that she'll go over to him and hug him.

But she didn't.

"Let's go back to how things were." Lucas whispered.

Sam shook her head.

She doesn't want to go back to how things were. Their past were filled with lies. She guessed that the now is the truth and if she chose to lie now, she'll get even more hurt in the future.

As the cold breeze once again hit them, Lucas shivered and Sam spoke that made him bend over and wail.

Sam just looked at the sky and closed her eyes as a single tear rolled over her cheeks.

"I pretended that I could be able to forgive you, Lu-Lu... but I can't and I won't."