To Zion

12

I don't know for how long we walked, or how long Miller trailed behind with his head down and his hand held tightly in mine. I think he cried at first, but something told me he didn't want me to see. We were in a field now. A field I didn't even recognize. Unintelligible phrases kept leaving my mouth, and I realized how angry I still was. But Miller's mom had pissed me off, and I was having a hard time forgetting the way she treated him.

He didn't deserve anything she has done to him. The way she had raised him...without love. Shit! Weren't their enough children without living parents? Didn't enough of us hope and pray and beg for parents or anyone who would love us?

"Zion."

I kept walking, barely registering Miller's quiet voice. I didn't know why I was so angry. My body was shaking. Images flashed in front of my eyes. Images that hadn't haunted me in years. Broken glass on the floor. My mom's sobs and my father's back before the door closed. Blue and red flashing lights, and stranger's gentle hands.

"Zion, stop. You're...you're shaking, and crying. Please, we are far enough away. Please stop."

"I'm sorry." I came to abrupt stop, dropping his hand, and looking around me wildly. "I-I don't know what's wrong with me. She had—she had no right to...parents should love their children..." I was incoherent...a mess, and Miller was the one who should be like this. Not me.

"Hey, don't apologize." He was standing in front of me, centering me, and forcing me to remain calm.

"I don't know what's come over me." I brushed my hand along my face, but the tears just kept coming. "Mothers....mothers are something special. You shouldn't have to earn their love." I forced my eyes to look anywhere but into his.

"I guess some mothers just weren't ready. You can't blame them." He had taken both my hands in his, and when I looked back into his eyes, I saw tears there as well.

"I'm sorry. You don't deserve what she's put on you."

"And you don't deserve whatever put you in foster care." He shrugged, his right thumb rubbing circles in the back of my hand. I felt calmer, my breaths evening out.

"I'd adopt you if I could." Miller short bark of laughter was exactly what I was hoping for the lighten the mood I had dragged us both into. His eyes sparkled and he was shaking his head when he looked at me.

"That's hardly what I was hoping for."

I swallowed quickly, not knowing what to make of the look in his eyes. I was suddenly very aware of my hands in his, and just how close we were standing. He only had to tilt his head slightly to meet my eyes, and I found myself not able to look away from his hazel eyes.

"Oh?" I didn't expect to sound so breathless or for my cheeks to heat up the way they did.

"C'mon, Zion. You have to know I like you."

I felt my eyes widen in surprise. I knew I looked shocked because Miller smiled again. An easy, beautiful smile.

"I'm subtler than I thought. Well, I guess you know now."

I nodded, and felt him move a little closer, his thumb still rubbing soothing circles on my hand.

"I don't know how, but you've always managed to just...understand. Even when I didn't understand myself. And you've always asked me...you act like my pronouns matter—"

"They do." I defended him, and his eyes flickered with emotion.

"See, you're doing it again. You know, you're the only person who's actually acted like they care about me. And back there, when you stood up for me..."

He leaned closer, and I felt my heart racing, felt my mind whirling as I realized why he was leaning closer.

"Can I kiss you?" His eyes, which had been looking down at my lips, met mine.

"Yes." I don't know how I even managed to speak with his body so close to mine, but as soon as the breathy word left my lips, he closed the distance between us.

His lips touched mine so delicately, it almost felt like a caress. I felt my eyes flutter closed as I kissed back, his lips somehow warm against my cold ones. I felt one of my tears mingle with our lips, adding a bitter note to the sweetness of him. And still his thumb drew circles on my hand.

When he pulled away, one of his hands left mine, but quickly came up to my face to wipe away my remaining tears.

"You shouldn't be comforting me." I tried to make him understand, but he didn't seem to get it, still wiping away my tears and focusing on me.

"You're the one who just had to hear their mother—"

"Shh." He covered my mouth with his finger, closing his eyes and breathing in deeply. "I know what I had to hear, and believe me, I know how badly it hurt. I don't want to dwell on it. I'd rather fuss over you and forget about the whole thing. If you can't handle the attention, tell yourself that you're helping distract me."

He smiled again, and I felt myself smiling too. There was no awkwardness like I had expected after the sudden kiss. Miller just kept talking like normal.

"Now, where were you planning on taking me after you kidnapped me?" He looked around us, eyebrows raised, and an altogether too happy smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

"I didn't actually have a plan." I admitted, smiling for no reason.

"So, it's a life in the wild then. I guess I could get used to sleeping under the stars." He looked at me fondly when I burst out laughing, and I don't know who moved first, but one of us pulled the other closer, and I don't think it was me.

"I know I don't have anything to offer but a lot of confusion, and a dark mind. I don't want to dump any of that on you. You're too pure for that." His hand touched my cheek briefly, and I shivered at his touch. "Just think about this, ok? And you don't have to answer me anytime soon."

He smiled again, and pulled away from me, his hand finally releasing mine. I missed the warmth immediately.

"I'm gonna make my way back home. Don't worry, she won't bother me. Once you figure out where you were planning taking me, you can come rescue me again. Sound like a plan?"

I nodded in a daze, trying to process but my mind wasn't processing.

"Thank you, Zion. I'll see you tomorrow."

I think it was a long time later that I finally had enough sense to start walking again. I wandered aimlessly for a while, alternatively touching my lips or the back of my hand where he has touched me. I'd never been kissed before. Is this what it always felt like? Like a warm haze?

I was in trouble when I got back to the house late, but that didn't even bother me. I lay on my bed late into the night, just laying there, not sleeping. Not many thoughts made it through that haze while a lay there. Just his touch, and the feeling of his lips on mine.