To Zion

18

It had been over a week since Jason and I started hanging out more, and everyday I thought about the question I should ask him. I needed to know before I kept getting closer to him, but I was too scared of it not being him. The letters just didn't sound like how he would write. He was much more forward, and that's what I liked about him. He was always saying something to make me feel good about myself.

I'd been avoiding Cooper all well. Not because I was mad, in fact, I knew I was wrong about the argument, but seeing Cooper meant seeing Miller. They were inseparable, and I wasn't ready to talk to Miller just yet.

So I started studying with Jason, coming over to his house after school, and basically doing everything I possibly could with him. It didn't take long to feel comfortable around him, and that's how I ended up where I was right now, laying back in his couch, and whining about how hard math was.

"C'mon, Zi, it's just algebra."

"Just algebra?" I sat up quickly, glaring down at him as he sat in the floor, homework spread out in front of him. Mine was on the other end of the couch, where I had thrown it after giving up on ever finding "x".

"Yeah, chill out. It's easy if you follow the steps." He frowned in concentration, carefully writing in the answer to the problem in front of him.

"No one thinks algebra is easy." I flopped back down on the couch, closing my eyes. "And my head hurts."

"Want some water? I have bottles in the fridge." He offered, and I nodded my head, not bothering to open my eyes. Algebra drained the life out of me.

I kept my eyes closed while he was gone, thinking of all the things I needed to figure out. Like why "x" even mattered, and how I was supposed to finish my homework, and how I was supposed to ask Jason if he had been writing me letters.

I didn't hear Jason walk back in, but then I heard the sound of his papers shuffling again, and him moving closer to give me my water. When I didn't hear him say anything, I opened my eyes, blinking in surprise at how much closer he was to me. What surprised me most was the look in his eyes.

"You're beautiful." He whispered, and of all the things I expected him to say, that was nowhere close. I felt myself blushing painfully, turning my head away from his, and trying to collect myself.

"No, I mean it." His calm, deliberate voice was almost a whisper. "Don't hide from me."

I found myself turning to look at him, and he smiled when I met his eyes.

"See, that wasn't so hard, was it?"

I shook my head slightly, not trusting my voice any longer. Jason's hand touched my cheek, and I felt my breath hitch, not sure how I felt about what was happening.

"Does this make you uncomfortable?" He asked, looking for the answer in my eyes before I even spoke. I was surprised, but not uncomfortable. No, the longer we sat there so close together, the more I liked it.

I shook my head, but he only smiled slightly in return.

"Gotta hear an answer on this one, babe"

I felt myself flushing deeper, looking anywhere but into his eyes.

"No. I-I like it." I admitted, and his smile deepened, thumb caressing my cheek.

"What about this?" He leaned closer, lips barely an inch from mine, his other hand was placed next to my head, holding himself up. "You still good with this?"

His hand had moved down to my neck, angling my face towards his. I nodded into his hand, barely stuttering out the word 'yes' before he leaned closer still, his soft breath warm against my lips.

Then his lips were on mine, and all my attempts at controlling my breathing quickly forgotten. I wrapped my arms around his neck, his hand staying where it was on my neck, thumb brushing my jaw every now and then. I hadn't expected his kiss to be quite so rough, with the way he had led up to it. Being kissed by Jason was nothing like being kissed by Miller.

Why was I thinking about Miller at a time like this?

Either Jason could tell something was wrong, or he just knew we needed breath, but he pulled away as soon as this thought came into my mind. Now his forehead was resting gently against mine, and he was looking right into my eyes.

"I never knew your eyes were hazel." He whispered, his lips slightly swollen, and his voice languid. "I always thought they were brown."

I smiled, but there was something funny about what he had said. Something that set my thoughts racing a mile a minute. He didn't know my eyes were hazel. But...if he didn't know then how...?

"No...no..." I muttered the word angrily. This couldn't be happening to me again.Jason pull away from me quickly, surprise evident in his eyes.

"Did I do something wrong? That's why I was asking. I didn't want to—"

"No, it's not you. You didn't do anything wrong." I covered my face with my hand, too upset to know how to explain things to him.

"Did I kiss that bad?" He tried to lighten the mood, but I could tell he was worried.

"No, no, you were amazing. It was amazing...and I—" I met his eyes, feeling the tears in my own. "You haven't been writing letters to me, have you?"

He was so surprised by my question that it was almost comical, except it wasn't in this situation. I felt my first tears fall, and looked swag from him quickly.

"Letters?"

"Yeah like...like...love letters or something. I kept getting these notes in class, and they were written on paper airplanes, and I've been trying to find out who wrote them, and then suddenly you started liking me so I thought...I thought..."

"So you're just trying to find this person? Whoever they are?" He looked disappointed, and I didn't blame him.

"Yeah..."

He nodded, ran his hand quickly across his face, then pulled away from me completely, sitting back down on the ground by his forgotten homework.

"It's probably that Miller kid. He totally likes you."

"They." I corrected without thinking, and Jason shot me a confused look. "Sorry, it's just that Miller is genderfluid and they don't always identify as male, and...sorry." I apologized for changing the subject.

Jason shrugged, picking up his math homework, and fiddling with the edge of one of the papers.

"S'okay." He didn't look at me.

"Jason, I—"

"Hey, it's cool. If I had someone writing me cute ass letters on a paper airplane, I'd want to find them too."

"You're not mad at me?"

He glanced up quickly, and I was relieved to see him smiling.

"Nah. There's nothing to be mad at really. I've been waiting for a long time to kiss you, and now I have so...if you don't like me, you don't like me."

"You probably don't want to keep studying with me, do you?"

"I like being around you, Zion. We can keep studying, but, maybe we've studied enough for today?" He was more upset than he wanted me to see. His eyes said a lot more than his face did.

"Yeah. I'll go." I stood up from the couch, and Jason got up quickly.

"No, I'm not trying to make you—"

"Jason, I'm sorry. I want to give you space if you want it."

He looked hesitant, but grateful.

"Then, yeah, maybe you should go." He smiled, and I felt the world's biggest jerk. "See you tomorrow." He called out as I walked down the street, and I felt tears prick my eyes.