Choke me harder~[BDSM BXB]

Chapter five. November 28th 2019. Kilian.

Thursday

I didn't see Damian for the rest of wednesday, which I was thankful for. He most likely skipped the rest of the classes. I was just happy I didn't have to see him more today. I don't think I could have personally handled being around him for much longer. The temptation was getting harder. All my dreams consisted of him and his large rough hands, roaming all over my body. I even daydreamed about it during classes which often made me end up with a little problem. I have yet to understand what was currently happening with my body. I have never experienced a feeling such as the one Damian fills me with whenever he touches me.

I shivered.

I must be sick, right?

The bell for lunch rang loudly throughout class and students dispersed from the classroom to have lunch. Allison and I made our way to the hallway to enter our lockers. She looked at me curiously with a smug expression plastered on her face. I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion and awaited her to speak what was on her mind.

"Had anything new happened with your little lover boy?" She fanned herself dramatically. I rolled my eyes at her remark and continued walking, leaving her behind me. She quickly caught up with me, pulling my elbow to stop so she could speak with me.

"No but seriously, what's going on? You always look so spaced out during class, and whenever I see him in the hallways, his eyes are plastered on you. It looks like he's hunting a prey." She giggled. My face flared a deep red at her comment. I thought I was being discreet about the daydreaming.

Wait, did she say he is watching me?

I turned around, frantically looking around the hallways, but he was nowhere to be found. I sighed in relief. She giggled again and shoved my shoulder playfully with her shoulder.

"I didn't mean right now. But usually. I haven't seen him today though so you probably have nothing to worry about. I don't think he's coming today." She smirked at my expression, which was burning a deeper red than before. I shrugged her off and went to my locker to put my bag inside. I felt her from behind her. I glanced at her. The corners of her mouth was still tilted upwards into a smirk. I groaned loudly before slamming the locker shut. I turned around and glared at her.

"Yes?" I inquired. Her smirk spread wider, looking like the Cheshire Cat. I felt the anxiety building up inside me.

"You like him." She stated. My eyes widened at her stupid remark. Me? Like him? It wasn't possible. I hadn't known him long enough to like him. I was a little curious, yes. Maybe a little interested. But mostly scared. But not in a bad way, and that's what confused me the most. Before, Damian would be going around, pushing me whenever I walked past. Saying rude remarks. Nothing bad, really. It didn't affect me at all. Not all people are happy and cheery all the time. I wouldn't necessarily call it bullying, however it wasn't pleasant either. But it wasn't a constant thing. Mostly because he's usually never in school. I've heard rumours about him dealing drugs and weapons for the mafia and gangs. People really have nothing better to do than to make the worst assumptions about the schools badboy. Just because he's bad, doesn't mean he's a drug dealer.

"I do not." I scoffed, closing my locker and twisting the lock, successfully locking it after me. I turned back around and watched her cock an eyebrow up. I didn't even attempt to try copy her, knowing I would fail and look like an idiot.

"Then why do you keep looking at him like that?" She crosses her arms over her chest, tapping her foot against the tiles on the floor. I rolled my eyes again and walked away from her.

I don't look at him in a certain way, do I?

"Yes you do. I'm always scared you're gonna start humping him like a squirrel whenever he passes by." She snickered. "Also, you need to learn to keep your thoughts inside your head. One day it's gonna get you into trouble." She lectured me. It's not my fault. My mouth has a mind of its own.

"I'm not gonna rape him." I stepped in front of her, hand on my hip. She let out an unconvinced laugh and walked past me, as I'd previously done to her. She waved her right hand in dismission as she walked towards the doors to the cafeteria. I skipped to catch up with her and went inside as the doors opened.

We stood in line to order our food. She got a simple slice of pizza and fries with juice, whereas I got a chicken salad with a bottle of water. She gave me a weird suspicious look before shrugging and paying for her food. I bit my lower lip and followed her after paying for my things as well, saying a quick 'Hi' and 'thank you' to the cafeteria lady, Beth. Her blonde grey hair was up in a net. Her face was a bit chubby and it made her look sweeter than she already was. She smiled warmly at me as I walked away with my tray, taking a seat in front of Allison who was sat next to Ryan. He had an arm wrapped around her waist, holding her tightly against his side.

I looked down, picking at my food in jealousy.

I also want that. I wanted someone to hold me tightly against me as if they're afraid I'm gonna disappear if they don't cling tightly onto me. I want to be important to someone. I want cheesy romantic notes inside my locker to read to make my day brighter. I want a special somebody to look at me as if I'm a gem. I want to be needed. I want to be craved. I want to be someone's oxygen that they can't live without. I want to be picked up in the middle of the night for random car trips. I want to gaze at the stars while in the arms of the love of my life. I want all the cringey things that comes with relationships. I want the laughter, the cheesy pickup lines, the goofing around, even being mean to each other for fun. I want someone to tease me because they love to see me flustered. I want someone to notice the small details about me that no one else knows or sees. I want to discover a whole new world with that person. I want to share feelings, share interests. I want to build a strong bond that is gonna last for a lifetime. I want to be loved by someone that's not family or friends. I want good morning and good night kisses. Heck, I even want the cheesy and dorky rain kisses you always see in movies and read in stories.

But this isn't a story. This is real life. And I haven't exactly been blessed with popularity or boys running after me and asking me out. I have always-and will always be the nerd no one cares about or looks twice at. It's depressing. I know. But it's the truth. There's nothing special about me.

I have a tendency to always write my feelings down in a private note on tumblr. I never post it, out of fear that someone is going to judge me. Tell me I'm being a Debbie downer. It's happened before. I never replied to any of those. Instead I deleted the post in hopes they'd leave me alone. I didn't want any trouble. I just wanted to get my feelings out. I didn't care for the pity. I didn't want anyone's sympathy. All I want is to express what I'm feeling in a way I'm comfortable with.

I uploaded my private post to tumblr, out of fear it wouldn't save unless I did. One time I tried only saving it as a draft and everything was removed. Since then I've been privately posting them.

It's kind of like therapy for me. I get to complain about everything stupid happening in my life, and no one could judge me - mostly because they can't read it - but also because they don't know who I am. I liked the sense of security in that. No one would find out about my deepest inner thoughts. No one can tell me I'm being stupid for thinking the way I'm thinking. I could probably talk to Allison about everything. But - as I said - I don't want the sympathy and pity. I know I'd put her in an awkward spot if I spilled all of my thoughts and wishes. She didn't have those worries anymore. Maybe similar, but she has never had to go around wondering what was wrong with her or wondering why you're always so lonely. I tried speaking to people. I really did. But my anxiety would mess everything up. Or they would plainly ignore me, further adding more anxiety into my bucket. I would say plate, but that plate has since long ago been overfilled and replaced with a bucket to hold all my emotions. I don't remember when I first got anxiety but I'm pretty sure it started after I was-

"KILLIAN LUKAS WERNER. IF YOU DONT STOP DAYDREAMING, IM SHIPPING YOU BACK TO-"

"Okay, okay! I get it! Sorry." I interrupted her before she had the chance to tell the whole world my secret. She smiled in triumph before widening her eyes.

"The bell rang!" She loudly announced. I then noticed all the students were dispersing from the lunch area, several of them leaving their trays on the table.

Fucking assholes.

Allison grabbed my arm and began to pull me to our next class, which was the worst of them all.

PE.