The Big Bang

Bad/Good Days

Everyone has bad days. Sometimes they're worse than others. Sometimes you can feel it build, and you try to hold it in for as long as you can, but it eventually comes in crashing. A tsunami of emotions and all you have is a too-small life jacket standing in the shadow of the wave. Sometimes you don't see it coming at all. 

It doesn't have to be anything big that triggers it. It gets worse around holidays and other special occasions. That's at least when I have the too-small life jacket. But sometimes it can come in the middle of a laugh when you realize the last time you laughed like this was with them, and then you become guilty to laugh so much without them. Loss is a strange emotion. An emptiness that cannot be filled, but you can sometimes forget that it's there. 

My bad day's don't usually have to do with loss, sometimes I'm just so emotionally spent, or I've had too many good days in a row and life decides that I maxed out on happiness for a while. 

I was having one of my worse bad days in a while. I don't know what caused it, but all of a sudden I became irritable, and I couldn't handle anything anyone was doing. I locked myself in my room, knowing that I wasn't pleasant to be around. Even I hated to be around myself. I hated feeling like this. I hated feeling irritable and horrible to everyone. I hated that I couldn't do anything. I hated that I knew that I shouldn't feel like this, and yet there was nothing I could do. I hated it. I hated how I treated everyone. I hated how I kicked Biana out and hurt her. 

On Biana. Oh, I love her so much. I have been horrible to her, and yet she still hugs me, she still brings me tea, she still puts up with my moody attitude and crying in the middle of the night. I wish I could tell her how much I love her, how much I appreciate everything that she's doing, but I just can't. I don't know why but I can't. The words don't form on my tongue, my mouth shielded shut. I try to show her with my eyes, but they're too bloodshot to make anything out. But she knows. That's one thing that I love so much about her, is that I'll make a hell out of everything, but she pushes through, loving me, and knowing that I love her. 

Everyone has been so amazing. Dex the other day tried dropping off some chocolate, which lay untouched on my nightstand. Fitz tried to call, but I wasn't being the best conversationalist. My mom and dad called every day, my mom promising me to send me some mallowmelt, and my dad telling me all of the crazy stories that Verdi had gotten herself into that week. Tam and Lihn were away, so they didn't have to experience my bitterness. I sent them a text wishing them luck with their parent, which Tam sent back a snarky response which made me give a small smile. The first one in days. 

I do go to class. Sitting through numb, dead to the world, not paying any attention, wishing for the day to go by faster, so that I could crawl into the safety of my bed. I walk to my classes, head down, music blasting in my ears, oblivious to the world going on around me, ignoring and avoiding most people. 

I do have a confession to make though. I've been avoiding Keefe. I know I shouldn't, but I don't want to face him. He's seen some of my downs and knows some of my story, but this would be too much, and I just don't want to handle all that right now. I've seen him around, but I've kept making excuses that I was needed elsewhere. I know that he doesn't believe me, but he leaves me alone regardless, which I am grateful for. It hurts that I can't tell him. He makes me smile and laugh, and around him, I've felt things I've never felt anywhere else before. I want to run into his arms and just lay there until the darkness has passed. But if fear that if I do, I will shatter beyond recognition. I would be too broken. 

It was my fifth day of darkness when the bell rang too loudly. They ring at the same volume every day, but today it was louder than usual. Today it was too much. Everything was too loud. Everyone was talking too much, laughing, smiling. Didn't they see the darkness that was creeping from the shadows? The one that haunts our nightmares are now stalking us in the daylight? I hid in the bathroom, waiting for the piercing bell to ring again. Once the stabbing pain in my head ended, that's when I realized that I was skipping class. I didn't mean to, but I had no motivation to go either. That's when I heard some girls enter. They weren't saying anything of importance. I wasn't listening until I heard one girl complain about her little sister who kept trying to steal her clothes. And that's when it hit me. It was my sister's birthday. How could I have forgotten?