needy ; jack gilinsky

11

jack gilinsky

it seemed as if i hit rock bottom today.

i had to try a bit harder to convince my mom i was still too sick to go to school, just barely getting her approval considering she'd been late for work.

i hadn't felt an ounce of sadness today, just more so frustration. frustrated with amara, my parents, my brother, my friends, and of course myself. it was my fault. everything was my fault.

my anger diminished for everyone else soon enough, leaving myself with my enraged thoughts.

at around eleven in the morning, i dug through the liquor drawer my parents had thought they'd hid so well from me. my dad was barely home nowadays, and i stopped looking for reasons why. otherwise, the alcohol would be everywhere.

i felt each section of my body numb as i took large sips, watching the rain drizzle in my front yard. everything began to move slowly, like my pace as i'd walked up the stairs to my room.

turning over my phone, i squint at the oncoming phone call i'd been receiving from meredith.

"what?"

"jack, are you not coming to school again today? it's been too long."

"i'm sick." i mumble.

"no, you aren't. are you home? i'll come over for lunch—"

"i'm not home—" i cut myself off when i felt my voice slur. "just let me be, meredith. this is all of your fault."

"what?" she scoffs, and i could imagine the expression she'd drawn on her face. "what do you mean—"

her voice had disappeared, and i felt a sense of relief as i throw my phone back down on my bed.

the sight of my blinds closed shut and the darkness of my room took me back to junior year, when rafael spent months in the hospital while i spent mine in emptiness.

i feel a single tear traveling down my cheek at the memory, clenching my jaw as i grab my phone once more. i bring it to my ear as i call rafael, who hadn't picked up. it was expected, considering he had class at this time. but my irrational thoughts took over, and i felt emptier than before.

i'd sobered up by the time my mom came home at around four in the afternoon, who'd checked my fever first thing. "you're fine, now."

"yeah." i say blankly. "i guess."

"how did you spend your day?" she asks, standing to head towards the kitchen while i'd been sprawled on the living room couch.

i'd caught a taste of the minty mouth wash i had downed five minutes before my mom came home, "i watched tv. did some homework."

"it's a good thing you're getting your homework done," she says. "you'll have to go back tomorrow, jack. you can't miss that much football. don't you have a game tomorrow?"

"yeah." i say. i'll probably be benched, and coach will give sam my position. i hadn't cared at the moment, but i knew i would later on.

speaking of, my phone had vibrated with a text from sam as my mom had ranted about her day.

sam —
that one edwin
guy is having a thing
at his house. r u down?

— jack
probably not. idk

sam —
??? you're
not doing anything
else. just come &
you'll have a good time.
it's at seven