to fill our portfolio in | k.sj & k.th [complete]

thirteen

“You’re smiling a lot,” Hoseok says, stroking Taehyung’s bang out of his forehead. “I guess having visitor really brightened up your day?”
 
“He said he will come again today,” Taehyung mutters. “I heard Seokjin’s hyung voice last night.”
 
Hoseok’s face falls. “Taehyung—”
 
“No, Hyung. You can’t blame him for what I did.” Taehyung cuts him off, face hardens.
 
Hoseok knows he should shut his mouth, that’s what the psychiatrist that handle Taehyung said. Taehyung can’t stress himself, he still had insomnia, he still hardly talk even to his doctor, but Hoseok can’t have him defend Seokjin. Seokjin, someone that put Taehyung’s life in the freaking edge. If he hadn’t come home earlier, if he didn’t destroy the bathroom door, Taehyung would have been gone.
 
“He hurt you, Tae.” Hoseok hears his own voice raises, but he’s careful not to mention his past extreme action.
 
“That’s what you think the reason I tried to take my own life?” Taehyung asks seriously.
 
This conversation makes Hoseok so uncomfortable. How can Taehyung said it so casually? He still trembles every time he remembered he picked up Taehyung’s lifeless body out of the tub and called the receptionist to ask for help. He recalls how he cried like the world was ending, how he performed CPR with shaking hands, how Taehyung still didn’t get his consciousness back even after that. Hoseok was the one that was there for Taehyung, he has the right to be mad. Not even Taehyung knows how it felt.
 
“Taehyung-ah, don’t talk too much. You still easily get tired.” Hoseok reminds him, brushing off the ugly feelings inside his heart. But as Taehyung stares at him, his eyes water.
 
“Hyung.” Taehyung’s eyes widen in shock and guilt. “I’m sorry, Hyung. I didn’t mean to—I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
 
The face Taehyung makes is enough to make Hoseok sighs, shallowing down the lump inside his throat. The older busies himself to prepare Taehyung’s medicine in the nightstand, ignoring the way Taehyung tilts his body to face him.
 
“Hyung, I’m sorry.” Taehyung whispers.
 
But then Hoseok realizes how asshole he can be? Taehyung literally had thought to kill himself, he should support him for every little thing. But he’s a human too. He has seen the happiest and the worst Taehyung ever been. He thought when his cousin, Taehyung’s boyfriend back then died, it’s already the worst. But Taehyung he still talked to him, they were there for each other, cried in the middle of the night together. It’s different when Taehyung lost Seokjin. Not once he came home with Taehyung locked himself in the bedroom, refused to eat or talk. He was so naive to think Taehyung would get better along with time passing by, but rather than getting better, the younger almost died instead. Even though it’s bitter on his tongue, Hoseok admitted it’s partially his fault.
 
“That’s okay, Taehyung-ah.”Hoseok caresses Taehyung’s arm. He smiles softly. “I’m not against you loving him, that’s completely okay. But I told you to be careful, remember? Don’t get your hope high, it might crash you.”
 
Taehyung nods tentatively, sitting up with Hoseok’s help to down his medicines.
 
“You must had hard time taking care of me since he was gone.” Taehyung murmurs, then leaning to hug Hoseok. “Thank you, Hyung. I’m sorry he left us because of me.”
 
Hoseok’s chest tightens. So this is it. Taehyung never talked about it since he left. Taehyung thought he was the reason Hoseok’s cousin died, but he never said it out loud because … Hoseok recalls, because Seokjin was there.
 
“What nonsense you are talking about, Tae?” Hoseok huffs. “Don’t beat up yourself like this.”
 
“I asked him to come before Christmas, he had shift that night but I was too selfish—”
 
“No, no.” Hoseok presses his cheek against Taehyung’s. “Tae, you can’t control fate. I never blamed you, our family never blamed you. No one blamed you, Baby.”
 
Taehyung’s shoulders shaking. He utters lowly,”Seokjin hyung left me too. Is that fate for me too, Hyung?”
 
Hoseok doesn’t answer.
 
*
 
Namjoon presses his palm to Yoongi’s back, his eyes blink reassuringly while he talks to the company representative.
 
“We don’t mind you send your work from Korea, but we highly recommend you to stay in Tokyo instead. You two have a marvelous impression in Japan, why don’t you think about living here and be happy for the rest of your life? I mean—Seoul is great, but Tokyo offers something better for you two.” The old man says. He’s the vice president, and Yoongi knows he’s great.
 
But everything’s not great without Seokjin in it.
 
“We really appreciate your offer, but we were born in Seoul, living in Seoul, and love Seoul. We need some time to think about it, until then, we can stay here to finish our project, how about that?” Namjoon speaks, now his palm stroking his back up and down.
 
Yoongi realizes how much Namjoon actually knows him. It kinda blurs how they are suddenly outside the building, Namjoon side hugs him in calm and such mature gesture that put Yoongi on ease. But Yoongi is still Yoongi. He’s torn inside.
 
Namjoon stops, making Yoongi stumbles in his feet. “Do you want to talk about it?”
 
“About… what?”
 
“Whatever that bothered you.” Namjoon sighs. “Hyung, I won’t decide anything without your consent. I hope you know that.”
 
Yoongi draws his coat closer, looking up to see the cloudy sky up there. He feels chilly all of sudden. But it doesn’t help to stop the storm inside his heart.
 
“It’s been too hard for me lately, Joon.” Yoongi says feverishly.
 
Namjoon isn’t sure what’s Yoongi hinting at. Does he talk about their work? Or Seokjin? But then Yoongi steps away, and Namjoon has no choice other than following him. Yoongi takes a chair outside the coffee shop and the younger wonders why he didn’t enter the coffee shop instead.
 
“It looks depressing inside,” Yoongi mutters as if he could read Namjoon’s mind. But maybe he really did.
 
“I will order,” Namjoon says. Knowing Yoongi so well, he’s convinced Yoongi doesn’t particularly want something to drink, he just needs somewhere to talk. He then slips inside to order, pay, and come back to find Yoongi’s finger tapping on his phone screen.
 
Namjoon waits and waits, but Yoongi keeps his mouth shut, even after the waitress puts their drinks and leave.
 
Then Yoongi’s phone lights up. It takes Namjoon zero second to know it’s Seokjin. But there’s something on Yoongi’s face that worries Namjoon. It’s not the usual Yoongi’s happy face whenever Seokjin reached him.
 
“Hyung—“
 
“Joon—“
 
Yoongi bites his lip, hand wrapped around the coffee cup so tight. “I can’t do this anymore.”
 
There were some moments where Yoongi broke down, when he let himself opened in front of Namjoon, when he was so worried about his future, about Seokjin’s life more than his own, about how no gifts were good enough for Seokjin’s birthday, and thousands other worries over Seokjin, Seokjin, and Seokjin. But this is the only moment where Yoongi chokes up, his eyes water and redden, and Namjoon practically can see his life is about to tear apart.
 
“I can help, Hyung.” Namjoon utters unknowingly. He hates Seokjin for what he has done, yes, but he can’t see Yoongi like this. He knows how much Seokjin means to Yoongi, more than anything else. He knows what kind of things he’s willing to do for Seokjin. Yoongi is idiot, Namjoon thinks, but he will support him no matter what. “You aren’t losing him, chin up.”
 
“I don’t lose him—“ Yoongi looks up to secure his tears. “—because I never had him in the first place, Joon.”
 
“What nonsense are you talking about, Hyung?” Namjoon frowns.
 
Yoongi smiles ironically, head shaking weakly. “I never had him. He refused to be mine so many times.”
 
Namjoon sips his ice coffee, trying to down the information as well as the bitter taste of Americano. “He is your boyfriend, Hyungnim.”
 
Ignoring how tears pouring down onto his cheeks, Yoongi inhales deeply. “Years ago, he never agreed. He said I was too precious to be his boyfriend, he said he’s scared we would screw things between us and Jungkook, he said he loved me only as a best friend. But I was too stubborn and blinded, I never gave up. I asked him so many times, to the point that he once cried and said sorry and no.”
 
“So I did what I could do to have him.” Yoongi’s eyes glint in guilt.
 
“What did you do?” Namjoon ignores the way his chest thumps loudly.
 
Now Yoongi seems reluctant. He eyes Namjoon sadly. “Will you hate me if you find out?”
 
“Just tell me what you did, Hyung.” Namjoon replies sharply. Please not something illegal or crime, Namjoon begs silently.
 
“I knew he couldn’t win against my mom.” Yoongi shallows down. “I took him to meet her and said Seokjin is officially my boyfriend. My mom never been happier.”
 
“And what about Seokjin hyung?”
 
Yoongi blinks rapidly. “He looked like someone just had taken his freedom.” His voice cracks.
 
Namjoon takes a deep breath. “Will you give it back to him? His freedom?”
 
“I—I don’t know how.” Yoongi rubs his face harshly. “I can’t stand living without him, Joon.”
 
Namjoon pulls Yoongi’s arm, caresses it with his thumb. “You still have him in your life, Hyung. He’s still your best friend.”
 
“What if … he cuts me off?” Yoongi’s eyes meet Namjoon’s, wounded and lost.
 
“Jungkook won’t let it happen.” Namjoon supplies, somehow convincing enough.
 
“What will I do without him, Joon?” Yoongi looks frantic now. “All the things I have been doing, for what I did all of those?”
 
“Hyung.” Namjoon drags his chair closer to Yoongi. His giant palm reaches out to hug the older. “For yourself. Do all the things you wanna do for yourself.”
 
Yoongi presses his face against the table, his breath gets heavy and ragged. “He seems so anxious lately. He can’t sleep properly, he barely eats, he looks nothing like Seokjin I used to know.”
 
Namjoon just listens. Yoongi talks and talks. About how Seokjin was so close yet so far, how Jungkook felt like he’s out of reach as well, how worried he is actually over his mom, how he doesn’t want to move to Japan, how he never been this devastated. He cries once in a while, Namjoon wonders why it hurts so bad to see his best friend struggling this bad while he’s a good guy. He’s generally nice and loving guy. He did wrong, yes, but he still doesn’t deserve any of these.
 
“I will never love someone else, Joon.” Yoongi exclaims. “That’s my promise.”
 
It breaks Namjoon’s heart.
 
*
 
It’s been days, yet Seokjin isn’t getting better at all, Yoongi notices. There was a night when Seokjin didn’t sleep at all, flipping back and forth in bed, only stopped when Yoongi absently reached his waist to hug him. But he still didn’t get sleep.
 
“You don’t eat that much,” Yoongi mutters.
 
Seokjin looks up, his lips break into calming smile. “I ate all day for my blog, remember?”
 
Yoongi doesn’t push, but he knows it’s all lie. Seokjin could just take a picture then stop eating. He hates how unreliable he’s to Seokjin, how the older always hid things from him just so he doesn’t worry. He wants Seokjin to share his burden, what’s bothering his mind, what annoyed him all day, who is on his mind now? It might hurt him as Yoongi already knows the answer, but even before Taehyung came into their relationship, Seokjin wasn’t so vocal about his life indeed. What a fool, he just realized it now. How he wishes he can turn back time only to make sure Seokjin was happy and content to their life.
 
But you’re not Taehyung, Yoongi’s mind telling him bitterly.
 
“Is something wrong?” Seokjin says, lips pouting and eyes concerned.
 
Yoongi pretends to down his soda. He doesn’t even realize he was daydreaming. “No.”
 
“Wanna go back to the hotel?” Seokjin knits his brows.
 
The younger nods, soon abandoning his food to stand up and exit the restaurant, Seokjin trails behind him. Yoongi extends his hand, and Seokjin catches it with a smile.
 
“Is this what you want? PDA in Tokyo street?” Seokjin says with a cackle. He sounds amused, almost happy. It tightens Yoongi’s heart.
 
“You like Tokyo?” Yoongi asks, swinging their joined hands playfully.
 
“Not as much as Seoul.”
 
Yoongi hums. “What if I move here for good, Hyung?”
 
“You don’t trust me to have LDR, don’t you?” Seokjin asks, but no anger nor judging behind his voice.
 
“That’s not what I meant, Jin-ah.” Yoongi corrects. “I want us to be together, but if you are okay with LDR, then we can go for that. But actually, I don’t really like Tokyo either, so.”
 
Seokjin brushes his palm over Yoongi’s shoulder. “That’s fine. Whatever you decide, I’m gonna support you anyway.” Then he takes Yoongi by hand to walk again, ignoring the way some people staring at them.
 
“Hyung.”
 
“Hm?”
 
“Did you ever love me?”
 
Seokjin tenses, but he keeps walking past the sidewalk, his thumb stroking the younger’s skin softly. “Yes.”
 
“But now you don’t.” It’s a statement, Yoongi makes it clear.
 
Yoongi holds his breath, waiting for Seokjin’s answer. He knows Seokjin will finally telling him the truth. He knows the answer, he only wants it coming from Seokjin himself. It will knock some sense into Yoongi’s mind. For years Seokjin had done so much for him, trying to love him, treating him so well and lovely, now Yoongi’s willing to do something for Seokjin.
 
“Now I don’t.” Seokjin finally speaks, voice apologetic and small.
 
It still stings so bad. Yoongi fights the urge to curl up into Seokjin’s embrace and cry. His tears start to wet his eyelashes, and a sharp lump just jumps up to his throat.
 
Yoongi gathers all his strength to stare at Seokjin, smiling faintly as he takes his hand back to his side. “Then let’s just be best friends as we should, Hyung.”
 
Seokjin looks at him with a frown, then his lips part and his eyes go glassy. They stand there, face to face for a while, as if the sidewalk is theirs as if people don’t exist, as if time doesn’t pass.
 
“Yoongi-ah, forgive me,” Seokjin utters with a tear falls.
 
Yoongi only needs a moment to be aware of something flicks on the older’s eyes. It’s a relief, drown under sorrow and remorse. He breathes out. Finally. Finally, he did something right. Finally, he ends it, he listens to his heart even though it hurts like hell. He throws himself to Seokjin, clutching the older’s back so tight as he bawls his eyes out.
 
Seokjin embraces Yoongi, pressing his cheek to the younger’s soft strands. He closes his eyes, inhaling deeply as Yoongi sobs mutely against his neck.

*