it's all my fault. (upstead)

i'm fine.

Hailey's POV
*GUNSHOT NOISE*
I jumped and felt blood splatter on my face. My ears started ringing from the gunshot. I cover my ears with my hands in pain.
*GUNSHOT NOISE*
While still in shock, I jump again and I turn my head to the right. No no no no, this can't be real. No no NO NO. I get out of my car and run to the other side of the car. There he was. My CI. The one I've worked with for more than 5 years. On the ground. 2 gunshots to his chest.
"NO NO NO NO" I scream and fall to the floor. I check for a pulse. Nothing. He's gone. He's dead. Tears start flowing from my eyes. I finally remember to look up and around to see who had shot him. Looking up, I see a man holding a gun and looking at my CI out of the window. He then attempts to run out the back door but I quickly run to the back door and slam my body onto the open back door, causing the man to drop his gun. I step back and tackle him onto the floor. He tries to escape so I then stand and point my gun at him. "Don't even fucking try it." I say. "I will shoot" I say. He killed my fucking CI. HE KILLED MY CI. "Get up." I say. The man laughs. I grab his by his jacket and push him onto the wall. "You think this is funny?" I say, pushing my gun into under his chin. "Hailey" "Hailey" "HAILEY" I hear someone yell. The voice grew closer and I finally recognized that it was Adam. "Put the gun down Hailey, I got this." He says. I continue to keep my gun pointed at the man. I can't believe it. My CI is dead. Cameron is gone. I feel Adam's hand pull my gun down. He then forcefully grabs the man and takes him into a cop car back to the station. I walk behind him, back to my car. Cameron's body laying there restless. "Hey, you ok?" I hear someone say with their hand on my shoulder. "Yeah I'm fine." I say back. They walk forwards and I realise it's Jay. "Come on, let's go back to the district." He says putting his arm around me. We walk to his car, and we both get in.

The car ride was quiet. It wasn't how it always was with me and Jay. We would usually joke and make fun of each other while waiting for a signal from Voight. But right now, it was quiet and I was trapped in my thoughts, looking out the window. 'This is your fault' 'Cameron died because of you' , the voices in my head say. Tears start to form in my eyes but I breathe in and out to try and stop myself from crying in front of Jay. I don't need someone to take care of me. We eventually reach the district and just as I was about to open the door, Jay says "Hey you sure you're ok?" "You seem pretty shaken up." I look at Jay. "Jay, I said i'm fine." I say and I open the door and walk into the district.

Once I'm in the district, I walk up the stairs. I walk past Kim, Adam, Voight, Kevin and Vanessa. Jay walks in behind me. I sit on my desk and hear what Voight has to say about the rest of the case. He looks and me. "My office." He says, finished addressing the case. He walks into his office and I walk in behind him. I close the door. I'm not gonna get fucking yelled. I've had enough of this day. "I don't care if you can't make this case. You can't trust him. He was involved in killing my CI. He needs to be held accountable for what he did." I say with an aggressive tone. "I know, but Cameron walked into the police station knowing that he is putting himself at risk of being caught." Voight says back. "Voight. He was my CI. Cameron was my CI." I say. "Hailey, do you want me to yell at you or do you want me to make you feel better?" Voight says with a slightly aggressive tone back. I look at him but with a blank face. "You said it yourself. He was your CI. Cameron was yours. So his death is yours. You know that CI's are always at risk. It's part of the job. It's hard Hailey, but his death is on you." Tears start to form in my eyes and I say nothing to Voight. I walk out and wipe the tears from my eyes. I sit on my desk and start working with the others on the rest of the case.

After a few hours, we eventually finish up the case and everyone starts heading to the locker room. I stay sat on my desk because I want to be alone. I put my hands on my face. Fuck this day. I can't fucking do this anymore. It's too much. I feel a hand on my shoulder. "Talk to me Hailey, I'm here for you." Without even looking up, I know it's Jay. Still not looking up. I say "I appreciate it Jay but I just want to be alone right now." Jay nods hesitantly, looking worried but listens to me and starts walking to the locker room. "We're all going to Molly's in a bit, thought I should let you know." he turns back and says before leaving.

I walk to the changing room and open my locker. I take off my vest and put it in my locker. "His death is yours" "His death is on you". Those words replay in my head. Before I know it, tears start forming more and more in my eyes. I slam the locker door and walk to the wall and fall to my knees. I start crying hysterically. This is my fault. I got him killed. I begin breathing rapidly and my chest gets tighter and tighter. I can't even breathe at this point. Fuck. Why did this have to happen to me. WHY. WHY THE FUCK DID HE HAVE TO DIE. I get up angrily and start speeding around the room. WHY DID HE GET FUCKING SHOT. THIS IS ON ME. HIS DEATH IS ON ME. Without hesitation, I walk to the nearest wall and start punching the wall vigorously, while tears fall down my eyes. My knuckles ache severely but I don't fucking care. I deserve this. I DESERVE THIS. I FUCKING DESERVE THIS. I GOT HIM KILLED. I stop punching the wall and look at my knuckles. Cuts. Bruises. Blood. That's all I can see. Fuck. How am I gonna cover this up tomorrow. I don't need more people asking me if I'm ok. FUCK. I walk to the bench and grab my bag. I then walk out of the backdoor and get into a spare car that the department has incase any of our cars were involved in a case and need to be checked. I get in and throw my bag onto the passenger seat. I start the car and start driving home. I don't turn on the radio because the last thing I want is to listen to music right now. I eventually reach my house. After grabbing my bag and getting out of the car, I unlock the door and walk into my house. I throw the keys onto the table and the bag on the floor. I grab the whiskey bottle and pour it into a glass. I down the glass of whiskey and reach for more. At this point, I couldn't count how many glasses of whiskey I had, but i'm pretty fucked up. I want more. But my mind stops me and instead I head to my bedroom. I check the time on my phone. 3:02am. There's no point in sleeping. It's not like I even get sleep with this job. There's no point of going to sleep for an hour then probably waking up to a call from Voight saying there's a new case we need to investigate. I walk back into the kitchen, still in my work clothes, dried up blood on my knuckles, and grab the whiskey bottle. I pour more whiskey into the glass and drink it away. The next couple of hours just consisted of me getting drunk and crying. It's 5:43am at this point. Eventually I head into my living room, to sit and drink the glass. My eyes start closing slowly. I'm getting really sleepy at this point. My eyes close fully and I see black.