it's all my fault. (upstead)

little things.

Hailey's POV

When Jay and I enter my house, we drop our bags on the floor next to the door. I need Jay right now but I also don't. I want to be alone but something in me wants Jay to stay for the night. We walk to the kitchen and I go to grab the whiskey bottle but I realise it's not there. Fuck. I don't even remember the last time I cleaned my house. The supposed bottles that should've been on the kitchen counter, are on my living room floor from when I drank countless glasses. I start breathing heavily and start panicking. I rush to the living room and collect the glasses and the bottles off the floor. Jay was busy looking for clothes to wear. "Hailey" Jay called out. "Y- yeah I'm coming now" I say with a shaky voice. I feel footsteps coming towards the living room. Shit, he's gonna see all of this. "Hey Hailey do you h-" He says before he stops talking and sees me rushing. I look at him. He sighs and instead of telling me I need help, he comes and helps carry the bottles off the floor. While I was picking up the glasses, I started crying again. "Jay, I don't know why this affected me so much. I mean sure it's someone I knew and worked with for so long, but it's not like he was close to me or anything. I just don't understand why this had to happen to me. I do-" I say with a broken voice before the tears win and I start crying profusely. Jay comes over to me and gives me a hug. "I've got you. I'm here for you. It's hard losing someone you know. And although it's hard, you have to conquer your dark thoughts. You're strong Hailey. You've been through so much and I know you can get through this. I will be there to help you. Anytime, any day, anywhere." He says after pulling out of the hug. "Come on let's watch our favorite tv show" he says. "You could use a little cheering up huh" he says and nudges my shoulder, while smiling. He makes me smile, despite my dark thoughts. "Greys's Anatomy it is?" He says. I nod slightly with a reassuring smile. He puts on the show and we both sit on the couch. He lays back on the couch. I lay on the couch and rest my head on his lap. He puts his arm around my body and we both start watching the show.

THE NEXT DAY

Jay's POV
I wake up to the sound of my alarm and the bright light shining on my face from the window. I look at my phone. 6:30 am. I slept on the couch while Hailey slept in her room, so I got up and went to her room to wake her up. I shake her arm calmly to wake her up. She slowly opens her crystal blue eyes. "Good morning, had a good sleep?" I say and smile at her. I can't lie, God she's beautiful without makeup. Her dark eyebags, her slightly cracked lips, everything. She's beautiful.

Hailey's POV
I wake up to Jay's voice. I nod and smile. Truth is, I was up for most of the night, as my mind kept going in spirals about everything. Hurting Jay. My CI... Everything. I get up out of bed and Jay leaves the room to get ready for work. I do the same.

We get in the car to go to work. Jay starts driving and all we could hear is the sound of rain as no music was playing. Suddenly Jay puts on our favorite song, 'Don't Stop Me Now' by Queen, that we always sing together to lighten the mood whenever one of us feels down. Jay starts to sing along to the words, turning his head to face me repeatedly, waiting for me to sing along. He always does the little things that always make me feel better.

My life has been going on a downwards spiral but if there's one person that makes me feel slightly better and like I have someone to lean on, it's Jay. He's always there for me. Even though I've done many unforgivable things in my life, he puts them behind and still makes me feel loved. That's the reason why I love him- I didn't just say that. But I did. I love Jay. I really do.

I shake my head to block out my thoughts and turn to him. I form a slight smile and start singing along quietly. Slowly, it turned into a carpool karaoke where we were singing at the top of our lungs, and I finally felt relief for once despite the shit I'm going through. This is what I mean. He makes me feel like I can block out the world and be in a state of mind where I feel relief and happiness even if the worst is happening. I love him. And I need to tell him that. No I can't- he doesn't love me back like that. No way. I'd ruin everything between us. I can't do that. And he's probably still hurting from his past with Erin. I can't do that to him. I can't make him feel like he's lost me, otherwise he might go down a dark path.

Jay's POV

We reach the department. I park the car. We still have a few minutes to spare, so we decide to continue to singing songs, until we have to go inside. As we're singing along to the songs, I start to think. I missed her. I missed her smile. I missed her spark that she had before she fell down a dark hole. I stop singing and look at her, singing along to the song. She's beautiful. Even when she's at her lowest, she still makes me feel like I have someone to lean on. Is that weird to think? She is the only person that I really have right now. She pushed me to go to therapy and it really helped me. She makes me feel safe when she's around me. Like I don't have anything to worry about. I only worry about one thing. And that's her. Anytime something bad happens to her, I lose my mind. I feel lost because I care so much about her. If I could let her know how much I cared about her and how much she means to me, I would but I'm too scared that me saying these words, would lead to her pushing me away. Truth is, I love her, so I need to tell her one day. But I can't. She's the only one I have. I can't lose her. I wish she could think the same about me, but she probably doesn't. I stop my thoughts, and ask "Are you ready to go inside?", and follow it with a smile because I'm happy to see her happy again, even if it may be temporary, since she's going through a lot. "Yeah, I have the best partner in the world, so I know my day is gonna be good." She says back, smiling. I can't help but blush so I shove her slightly and say "Stoppp" in an embarrassed tone and I laugh. She laughs back. This is why I love her. It's the little things about her. We get ready to go inside and shortly after, we head inside.

A/N: Sorry it took a long time to update. I've been very busy with studying this year but since we're now quarantined, I thought that I should get back to writing this book, since I have a lot of free time now. Anyway, enjoy the new chapter ! 🖤