it's all my fault. (upstead)

mess.

Hailey's POV

I woke up to the sound of message notifications coming from my phone. An immediate headache hit my head and I grunted. I check my phone. 8:02am. Shit. I'm late. I see messages and calls from Jay. I got up from my couch in pain and stepped over the alcohol bottles. I was still in last night's work clothes, so I went into my room and picked out any outfit from my closet. I grabbed a hairband from my nightstand and tied my hair in a low ponytail. I didn't even bother putting on makeup because I wasn't in the mood at all. I then went to use the bathroom. While I went to wash my hands, I had forgotten that last night I fucked up both of my knuckles pretty badly. I squealed as I put my hands under the water and letting the dried up blood wash away. My knuckles were still red as fuck and bruised. There were also cuts and grazes on them. I decided I was going to change my shirt to a long sleeve shirt in hopes of covering my knuckles slightly. As soon I was done with washing my hands and brushing my teeth, etc. I looked up at myself in the mirror. "You're a fucking mess" I hear the voices in my head say. Dark eyebags. Red eyes. Pale. I look like i'm fucking dead. My right hand raises towards the mirror but I stop myself. I walk out of the bathroom and walk into my closet and pick out a long sleeve. I also put on my sunglasses to cover the fact that I had barely slept. I went out of my bedroom and walked to the kitchen. My head was going insane because I have such a bad headache so I decided to get painkillers from the drawer. I'm only supposed to take one but because I'm in so much pain and I want to forget last night, I took 3 instead. I skipped breakfast because I felt sick and headed out into my car, to get to the district.

Once I reached the district, I walked in and headed upstairs. All eyes went on me. The only eyes I could look at were Jay's. His eyes looked so worried and I got full sight of his face. He looked worried and concerned. "Sorry I'm late" I say to everyone and head to my desk. Voight gave me a serious look but continued to discuss the new case. They had already started discussing a new case so I just listened in and tried to pick up on what I missed. After Voight explained everything, he gave us orders and assigned us each to each other. "Hailey you're with Jay" he says. "Adam and Kim you're together, and Kevin you're with Vanessa" he adds. Everyone starts to move and I get up off my desk. Jay comes up to me. "Hey, you ok? I've been calling you all morning and you didn't pick up any of my calls or answer my messages. I was getting worr-" he says before I interrupt him. "It won't happen again" I say before heading downstairs to get into the car. I ride in the passenger seat because I have no energy to drive today. Shortly after a few minutes, Jay enters the car and starts driving to the destination.

Jay's POV

I'm worried about Hailey. She looks broken. I want to help her but she keeps pushing me away. This brings back the dark times when Erin was dealing with Nadia's death. Erin's gone now because she moved to New York for a job offer. I fucked up and broke things off, so I couldn't even stop her going. I should have proposed sooner. I don't have feelings for her anymore but I can't and will never forget losing one of the best partners and one of the best friends I ever had. I can't lose another partner. I can't lose Hailey. I care too much about her. Thoughts were racing my mind as I was driving to the destination. I looked at her. Her head on the car window. She still had her sunglasses on, which I'm sure was to cover the fact that she's tired. I know because Erin did the same before. I look down and move my head slightly towards the wheel to get back to driving before the sight of her knuckles stopped me. Extremely Red. Bruised. Cuts. I didn't want it to get in the way of the case, so I continued to drive to the destination. When we arrived we still had time, so we waited in the car. I turn to face her. "What did you last night?" I say with a serious tone. She finally turns to me. "It's none of your business Jay" she says back with an aggressive tone. "IT IS WHEN YOURE HURTING YOURSELF HAILEY." I scream. She jumps. I felt bad but it had to be done. "You have no right to yell at me. Don't even fucking try and do that again" she says. She can't even scream. She's that hurt. "What happened to your knuckles?" I say. She makes an attempt to hide her knuckles and tries to open the car door. "We're not getting out until you tell me what happened." I say again. "I told you already it's none of your fucking business. Understood? You're my partner. Not my therapist." She says. Those words hurt. She thinks I'm just her partner. Not even a friend, just a partner. Just someone she works with. I look at her with a disappointed face and unlock the car lock. She gets out and walks towards the destination, not even waiting for me. I get out of the car quickly and run after her.

Hailey's POV

Why can't he just leave me alone. It's none of his business. I walk to the destination and I hear Jay running after me. We approach a man together and he starts running. I run after the man and tackle him to the floor. I pin him down with my knee and cuff him. I grab him and take him to the police car. "You ok?" Jay says. There he goes again. Yet again. "HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY ITS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS JAY. IM FINE." I yell. He looks at me angrily. "I wasn't even asking about your knuckles or whatever the fuck you did last night. You don't want to tell me so I don't fucking care anymore. I was asking if you were ok because you landed wrong when u tackled him. But I guess I shouldn't ask you at all anymore, because you clearly don't give a fuck about what I have to say anymore." He says and walks away and gets into the car. Great. Now Jay is hurt because I was stupid and yelled at him for no reason. I let my emotions get the best of me. I fucked up yet again. I walk to the car and get in. We start driving back to the district.

When we reach, we both bring in the man into the interrogation room. Voight nods and at me and walks into the interrogation room with Jay. He closes the door and I walk into the other room to hear what they're interrogating the man with. I finally take off my glasses and place them on my shirt. Kim walks into the room with me holding 2 cups of coffee. She hands me one. "Thanks" I say, faking a smile at her. "You know if you ever need anything, I'm here for you. Never forget that Hailey." She says. I look down at the floor and fake another smile at her, except my emotions took over and tears started forming in my eyes and I started feeling sick to my stomach. I put the cup of coffee down and I run to the bathroom. Once I'm in the bathroom, I start vomiting into the bin. I hear footsteps coming from behind me and I feel a hand comforting me. "Let it out" Kim says. After vomiting, I wash my mouth and my hands. I look at Kim and sit on the benches with her. More tears start forming in my eyes. "I just-" "My CI got killed and now I hurt Jay, when all he was trying to do was help" "I-" I say anxiously. "Shhh" Kim reassures me and puts her arms around me. I start crying and breaking down profusely into her shoulder. She holds me tight. Nothing is going right. Jay is hurt. My CI. I'm just a mess. The thoughts that came to me in the morning, came back. "You're a fucking mess." The voices in my head repeat.