From the Books I'll Never Write

• 9 •

Dear Lily,

I'm sorry. Please forgive me.

Seokjin

That's not it. She'd just delete it. Although it was the truth, it sounded hollow when he read it back to himself. He sighed and tried again.

Dear Lily,

I'm sorry that I kept this from you. I hope one day you'll be able to-

That wasn't it either. That sounded even more insincere. Jin jabbed at the delete button, the loud taps relieving a tiny amount of his stress.

Dear Lily...

He stared at his phone's screen, the blinking cursor both entranced and mocked him. Had all the fighting he'd done with BH upper management been for nothing? She wouldn't even talk to him, wouldn't answer his calls, and even if there was a chance she would actually read his text without deleting it first, he couldn't even get his thoughts out to send it. Nothing sounded right.

Jin put his head into his hands and grabbed fistfuls of his hair. He didn't know which was worse: fighting BH or trying to explain things to Lily. She had every right to never speak to him again. He ignored the warning signs, ignored Namjoon's advice, and then he ignored her. His chin trembled and he fought against the stinging in his eyes.

He had to try. Even if she deleted the text without reading it, at least he tried.

Jin sat up straight, his thumbs once more hovering over the keyboard.

Dear Lily,

You are right about everything. You are right to not want to speak to me after what I did. I should have told you about everything from the beginning, but I didn't. You are right to feel like you can't trust me. I betrayed your trust and I have no right to ask you anything of you.

But please, please let me explain.

At first I didn't know about the supposed 'no relationships' clause. We as a group have always been focused on making Bangtan a success. Our days and nights were structured down to the second. I never had time, nor the desire to have a relationship. There was always another performance, another photo shoot, another guest appearance. None of us had serious relationships so I didn't feel like I was missing anything. I had my brothers with me and that was enough. I was happy without a relationship.

Until you came. Then I learned what I was missing. I learned what it felt like to be loved. Not just adored, but truly loved. And even if we never work, I will forever be grateful to you for showing me how amazing that felt.

Even for a little while.

The 'no relationships' clause was never real. It was never in any of our contracts. We were lied to. I'm not defending them, because what they did was terrible, but they were afraid of what the public would do to us as a group if they found out any of us had a relationship. People that claim to be fans do awful things when they find out their favorite idol is dating someone. Even though they never had a chance, some of them get personally offended to the point of threats and violence. The staff didn't want that to happen to us. So they lied.

But I refuse to let the fear of sick people control my life. I refuse to live in this lie just to make strangers happy. Just so they can live in a fantasy world. It's not normal.

You were right when you said your life was fine before I came into it, but now that you've come into mine, my life isn't the same without you.

I don't care what happens to me as long as I can be with you. Please forgive me.

I love you.

Seokjin

Jin's hands trembled as he finished the message and hit send before he had a chance to reconsider. His eyes looked around the room unseeing and his chest felt heavy as tried to breathe normally. Would she read it? He quickly picked up his phone.

Delivered 6:26pm

There was nothing left for him to do. It was in the universe's hands now and that was the hardest part. He had no problem getting what he wanted in most areas of his life, but this? This he couldn't just bulldoze his way out of. He was completely at her mercy.

What if she didn't have any left?

The pain in her eyes haunted him daily. He said he would be there for her for as long and she allowed. That ended up being a lie. She told him her fears, that she was afraid of being discarded. She told him that she had been mistreated so much in her past. She opened her heart.

A knock at his door made him jerk his head up. It was Yoongi. He let Jin know they had food if he wanted some. He declined.

He looked at his phone again.

Delivered 6:26pm

He dropped the phone on the table harder than he probably should have and put his head in his hands again. Maybe he shouldn't have sent it. Hyunae said she needed time to process. He said he'd give her time but he couldn't. He felt like she slipped further out of his reach with each passing day.

The rest of the evening felt both like an eternity and an instant. He couldn't recall if he'd left his room, nor if he'd fallen asleep in between phone checks. All he knew was that somehow he ended up in his bed.

It's over, isn't it?

The shell of numbness he had covered himself with began to crack. Hot, angry tears slid down his face, pooling on his pillow. He was angry at himself, at BH, at Namjoon. He clenched his jaw, refusing to let a cry escape his lips.

Eventually the anger faded, leaving him tired. He stared out of the window watching the sky transition from blue, to amber, and finally to navy. His body felt heavy and hollow, and that his bed was the only thing preventing him from falling into a black hole. Part of him wanted that to be a reality. At least he wouldn't have to deal with the pain.

Jin reached over to his bedside table and retrieved his charger. He might as well attempt to sleep. He looked at the bottle of sleep aid but deciding against it. He had to learn how to fall sleep on his own.

Against his better judgement he opened his phone one more time. He mentally prepared himself to see no changes just as he had the last 78 times he checked it. She wasn't going to read it. She probably deleted it. A shaky finger pressed the app icon and opened their conversation thread.

Read 11:52pm

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