your smile, i missed it - ShinKami

Chapter 5

I don't know what to do about last night, maybe I could act like everything is normal. Well it isn't, the blonde always seems to be the happiest person in the fucking world. But now I'm not sure what is true and what isn't. I need some time for myself to get back to normal. I have to go out of this rooms and think about what happened. But it didn't help, days went bye and days started to get weeks but it won't get better. To be honest it gets worse. Everyday was the same I ignored Kami, I talked to no one and in the night I cried, trying to get some hours of sleep but it never worked. The bags under my eyes were getting darker and darker. At one point I started with getting afraid of sleeping, every time I slept I got the same nightmare. It was about Pikachu, telling me that he hated me and I'm a waste of time and not worth being loved. I felt terrible about what I did but I just couldn't stop. I also asked dad if I could get a dorm for myself because I couldn't look Kaminari in the eyes anymore. After a long discussion the teachers agreed. Now I did not have to hide the fact that I was cutting myself, razors, knives and scissors layed all over the floor. I looked sadly out of the window, it was a rainy day with this dark grey sky where everyone hates everything and is just in a bad mood. With no emotions in my eyes I stared back at the mirror, I felt the tears streaming down my face and the cold knife cutting my wrists so badly that it was sure to leave nasty scars. But I did not care. The only thing going through my mind was 'I deserve this. I deserve this pain. I deserve this suffering. I shouldn't be alive. My old classmates were right, I should be death'. It made me smile and I started to laugh. That was it. I couldn't handle it anymore. Since kindergarten I was used to bullying and at the age of six I started scratching and cutting myself. When people asked where my wounds came from I smiled and said : Oh, well. I trained for being the best hero in the world. No in the universe. And they always said that they're sure I can make it. The first weeks I believed them but one day I heard the adults talking about me. They made fun of my dreams and hopes. They said it was dangerous to let me stay in the same room as the other children. When I heard that I started to tear up, as fast as I could I ran away from the people I knew. I was a little lost boy without a family, friends or someone who cared about me. Till I met Aizawa he took me to his house and from this point he was my new family. He took care of me when I got my panic attacks but I never told him about what I went through, I didn't want him to worry about me. So I kept suffering from the inside. Alone. I layed the razor back to the others and pulled the sleeves off my black hoodie over my wrists to cover the cuts. Normally I treated the injuries but this time I just didn't feel like it. I went back in my room and sat down on the sofa and hugged my knees tightly. My phone buzzed and the screen said it was a message from Kaminari

💛Kaminari💛

Why are you avoiding me,
did I do something wrong?
Shin Please tell me. Please

So this chapter is a mess but that's life, right? I don't have any ideas what to write about
Have a good day/night
Love