Gomorrah

11. Wonderful Life

Christmas Eve came a mere two weeks after Levi was released from Solitary. Ever since then he was mostly silent and only spoke rarely to Evan. Most of the time he just sat and stared into the void. By then the counselors and even Angela gave up and concluded he had full on lost his mind in solitary. He rarely ate anymore and only drank when he was forced to by the nurses. His stint in solitary destroyed what little he was grasping at, he had no more use other than to just be a drooling lump of fur and blood. He could even tell that Evan was growing frustrated with him by the day. Christmas Eve would be the worst and the best the two would have in their lives.

It started off with the special breakfast of less watery coffee, apple cider donuts, eggs and bacon. This time Levi ate his full meal only he was silent as usual. When the orderly went to take his plate he just said "Thank you..It was great" before he shuffled off to the day room. He picked a seat near the window and looked at the white landscape. "Last time I'll see snow" he thought to himself. He just sighed and stared for an hour before giving up and going outside near the tree. John was already there and he handed him a cigarette. "Hey..Merry Christmas" John said as he lit his cigarette to which Levi only nodded silently. "Lev...what happened to you?" John asked sounding more concerned. Levi only said "I'm just tired" before he went to smoke his cigarette. After a few moments of silence Levi said "It's beautiful today..My grandfather would take me for a few days. I would be with him from Christmas Eve to Orthodox Christmas. That's January seventh so I would spend some time with my grandparents. We would spend the time making food and just...being happy". He smiled sadly as he reminisced on the good times he would never have again like when he would borrow his grandfather's old sled and take it down the hills for the afternoon and when he would help his grandmother make cookies, Rogaliki were his favorite. He took another drag on his cigarette and shook the good times away, they were in the past where they belonged. "You're not planning to off yourself are you?" John asked to which Levi shook his head and said "Knowing me I would screw it up". He laughed at his own joke and went back inside.

Lunch and dinner were relatively uneventful for him. Father Simeon was not available so he had to sit through a Lutheran mass. The plainness of the service was almost irritating to the point it physically hurt him to sit through it. He did not take communion but opted for the priestly blessing before he left. Angela gave him a look of disdain "Good, let her get pissed" he thought as he went back to his room. Evan came back a few minutes later "You missed it, we did a candlelight hymn at the end. Are you alright?" to which Levi nodded silently. "Tired?" Evan asked to which he just got a nod. Evan sighed and got up "I gotta piss, be right back". Levi nodded and grabbed his sheets. He started fastening them into a noose and threw it over the beam. He tested the strength quickly before slipping it over his head. It would hold an hopefully it would be quick before Evan got back. He stood on the edge of his bed and took some breaths. "So long world. You were a fucking joke" he said before he stepped off the bed. He felt himself dropping and his oxygen supply lessening. He thought "This is it, I'm free" as he fell but he suddenly stopped  a few inches shy of the floor. "What the hell?" he said confused. He looked down and saw Evan holding him up "Hold on, just hold still" he said as he reached up with with a sharp claw and cut the noose. Levi landed on the floor rather gently but he was already screaming at Evan. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? JUST LET ME GO DAMN YOU! I WAS GOING TO HELP MYSELF BUT YOU RUINED IT!" Levi screamed at a shocked Evan. "SAVE YOURSELF?! YOU WERE GOING TO FUCKING HANG YOURSELF!? WHY!?" Evan shouted back. "GEEE MAYBE BECAUSE I'M A FUCK UP? BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE MY MIND? THAT I'M IN THIS HELLHOLE AND NO ONE FUCKING CARES ABOUT ME! IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED I GET NO VISITORS! YOU HAVE FUCKING VINNY COMING UP TOMORROW AND I'LL JUST BE HERE BY MYSELF! MAYBE BECAUSE I'M FUCKED UP IN THE HEAD WITH NO HOPE OF BEING NORMAL I FIGURED I WOULD SPEED THE PROCESS UP SOME! BUT YOU HAD TO RUIN IT, FUCKING ASSHOLE YOU! I HATE YOU! I FUCKING HATE YOU!" Levi shrieked. 

All his pent up rage came spilling out of his mouth before he got tired from the screaming. Everything from being beaten as a pup, to being kicked out and being homeless at 17 to him being arrested and sent here to rot. Evan just sat there stunned with no words to say. What could he say? That everything would be alright? To keep his chin up? No good. He just sat and listened to Levi vent until he could no longer vent. "There...Are you fucking happy with my explanation? Just leave me alone". He wanted the exact opposite, he wanted someone to tell him it would be alright, that he was not a basket case and that he has a place in this world. He wanted someone to at the very least not leave him alone. Evan put his paw on Levi's shoulder almost like he knew what he really wanted. "Look...You are not alone here. You have me and I will never hurt you. I am not your parents, not the police and not the head bitch. Just know that even if you have few you have me to fall back on. No matter what I got your back". Levi lowered his head in shame and muttered "I'm such a selfish prick...I'm so sorry I put you through that..I don't deserve you at all. I'm just shit". Evan shook his head "You are the furthest from being shit. Look have you seen the movie It's a Wonderful Life at all? Great movie". Levi saw it once with his grandfather. "You are not a failure and here's why, 'No man is a failure who has friends'. Remember that". 

Levi curled up on his bed, hating himself even more. It had to be near midnight now as the halls were quiet. He sighed and turned towards the wall and said "Merry fucking Christmas...Thanks".