The Escapist

español

Spanish is your dream, they say. Keep it up.

But it is not. It was my fantasy. I went to Europe once, and it got me infatuated. I fell too deep, not knowing whether it was the country or the continent. Thus I ran along the pavement regardless where it would lead me to, thinking it would take me where I wanted to be. But not even I knew where I wanted to be. I've got no idea where I want to be.

I saw a light and went on to catch it. I ignored all the warning signs and forgot it could have blinded me. I got so cynical when everybody in the society followed the rules, failed to remind myself of the reason why they did it. I made constant attempts to seize the butterflies, but they always found a way to escape into the moonlight. They laughed and let my happiness fade into oblivion. The moon shall weep for you, they cried, She sympathizes the ones who pity themselves. For a moment I forgot how to shed a tear, for a moment I thought I was fine. All of the mocking meant nothing to me, and I would walk in the streets and be okay with everything.

But nobody knows who I am. Nobody knows what I have been through. Nobody understands what I have allowed myself to endure. All the paper cuts and wounded hearts. They thought it was a battle that I could call off. But nobody dropped in and asked if I was okay. Nobody dropped in and told me I was being naive.

They taught me to grow up, but I never learnt. They told me to mend yourself, but my heart was already burnt. Phoenix rises from the ashes, but I'm down to the ground. My heart has been beating so loud, yet I can't seem to make a single sound. They want me to forget about the pain and live on, but all I can remember is how I stared through the windows and longed for a jump. It is not the falling that would kill you, they said, it was the landing. But I want to feel the ground coming towards me, I want to ease the pain. I want to know that everything would be over soon, and I wouldn't have to feel it again. But nobody can stop the pouring rain, and I won't fool myself out of this once more, just to maintain sane.

Spanish was a dream, a fantasy, and an ecstasy. So is college. I know I can't find love among the hurting, and I know I'll have to fix the broken pieces before I start to mend.

Let go of the lunch break, and dinner will be served. Remember that after the pouring rain, a rainbow across the sky will be preserved.