[C] 'EUPHORIA'

H.U.R.T

Felix's head is into his knee, he tries his best to hide the sobbing, but he can't do it. All the hate comments haunted him and echoed in his head.

He's the reason why Woojin left SKZ.
He didn't fit to be in the dance line neither rap line.
His skills are not close to average.
He's ugly and he can't speak in Korean.

He's tired, and to be honest all those comments starts to make him tremble and fragile. He never cried when his dad hit him or when his mom insults him. This is off his limit and he can't take it, Felix flopped to the floor and he curled into a ball.

Sniffing his nose and tried to wipe all the warm tears that fall to his cheeks, he's tired and he had enough. He starts to bite his fingernails and he soon fall into a deep thought.

He remembered when he's alone at the dorm, trying to vomit out all food he ate for breakfast and lunch. He was gagged himself and all the undigested food came out from his mouth. He fall down into the floor but he's smiling, he get up and put himself on a scale.

"50 kg"

That's the scale showed him and he slipped a small smirk, he won't let his weight went over 52kg. When he thought, he's finally can smile but another voice echoed in his head. The comments about his dancing skills and rap skills once again come and without hesitation, he cut himself using a razor.

Felix force himself to get up and eventually his sight starts to get blurry. " This always happen to me. I'm okay! " Soon, Jeongin's voice cut his imagination, the youngest called him. They need to head home after an exhausting day.

Felix just hum to him and he follow the members footsteps. All the undefined questions starts to creep into his mind and his body tremble. Felix try to ignore it but his anxiety just getting worse. He can't breathe and his sight starts to get blurry.

He stop for a while and smack himself, trying to find his conscious mind again. He remembers where his place in this group is, he's only the eliminated member that was added to the line-up at the last-minute moment. He needs to be at the same par with other members or else he will drag them down. Felix won't let that happen.

One hour later, they arrive at their dorm. Felix is the last member step out from the van; their manager worries about him since past few weeks. He's like a different person after Woojin left the group. He knows since Felix is the closest member to Woojin, but when he asked Felix, the boy just smiling wide and said he's okay.

The noise in the dorm didn't bother him, Seungmin and Chan are busy in kitchen, they're making dinner for all the members. Felix feel like want to vomit when he smells the tteokbokki, he rushes himself to his bedroom. Soon after, he cries again. He misses Woojin and his warm hug, his smile and his small gesture make Felix feel like a complete person.

Felix get up and walk into the bathroom, the only place he can be himself without no one notice. His anxiety starts to kick in when he enters the bathroom. His mind become blur and he hold a brand-new razor. He needs to do this to make himself calm down.

Without a slightest afraid, he cut himself. Crystal clear water slowly turns into a pool of blood. Felix repeat it again on another arm and thigh. This is it! This is what he wants! This is a euphoria that he's been seeking for the whole time. He hit his chest hard, trying to breathe in as panic attack and anxiety creep into him, but he can't. He cries in silent, watching every single drop of his blood form a new pool of blood. He's smiling but he's hiding the biggest pain and soon after, he's drawn into the bathtub.

SKZ members already at the table for dinner after they clean themselves, and notice Felix isn't there. " Innie, where's Lixie? ". Jeongin just shrug his shoulder, because he really doesn't know where the hell is Felix. The silence in the dining area slowly cracked into a hectic situation after they heard something in WooLix room. Chan runs quickly only to spit out a curse.