Me, myself and I (english version) [PAUSE]

Chapter 4: Shyness

"Nothing prevents us from moving forward more than too much shyness"

The collection of apophtegmes and axioms (1855)

For as long as I can remember, I have always been shy. I was always the girl that could not be heard because she was afraid of sounding dumb, the one you couldn't see because she didn't want to impose herself, the girl who didn't go out because she was frightened by the thought of being alone in a crowd in which everyone seemed to be Know each other...

Ana 13 years old: Year 9 (8th grade): The election

Ms. Garcia, the head teacher, asks us who wants to run for the class representative election.

My heart starts beating fast. I want to do it, I want to run in the election this year, I've been preparing myself for it all summer, I can do it... I gulp a breath of fresh air, gather my courage and start raising my hand. My hand is half up when I notice that four other people have already raised theirs. I lower my hand quickly hoping that I haven't been seen by anyone. What was I thinking? No one would vote for me anyway...

- "Miss Ngoma, would you like to introduce yourself?" asks Mrs. Garcia, who must have noticed my hesitation.

I shake my head and whisper an inaudible "no" and focus on my notebook, which has never seemed so interesting. I ignore the insistent gazes, given by the other students, that weigh on me. Following the election of a class representative who has only ran into the election only to ensure his popularity, I attend the class trying to forget this embarrassing moment. If I was being honest, I would admit that I envy his self-confidence... If I was like him there are so many things that I would be able to achieve, however I'm not like him, I have never been and will probably never become...

One thing that I have noticed is that shyness is often accompanied by lack of self-confidence and an introverted personality. When you want something, your first thought is not "I can do it" but "Will I be able to do this?" or even "I will never be able to do this". All that negativity follows you each and every step of your life and can becomes a wall between you and everyone else.

Ana 17 years old: Year 13 (Senior year): The end-of-year party

I ear five knocks on my door, a sign that Gwen wants to talk to me. I open the door and find myself in front of a Gwen who looks at me with battered dog eyes and sulky lips.

- Please come with me... It's going to be cool; we're going to have fun!

- Stop staring at me with that Puss in boots* look. I've already decided I won't go. We both know that as soon as you will see your friends, you will leave me in a corner to go and have fun with them!

- No way! We'll stay together for the whole night, I promise.

- Yes yes, that's also what you told me last year, and the one before that and the one before that one! But guess what happened? Even after making a promise, you left me alone! So, I was at the party ON MY OWN!

- I'm sorry... I've already apologized a hundred times for this. For how long am I going to have to say sorry for you to forgive me?

- As long as you're going to force me to go out.

- You're extremely boring when you decide to be! This is our last high school party. Every time we go out you never want to do anything. What would you like me to do? When we go out, ou always stay sited and wait for the time to pass by!

- Oh, excuse me for not wanting to expose myself in front of everyone like you!

- I'm not asking you to do everything the way I do! I'm just asking you to put your shyness aside and have fun for once in your life and forget what others might think.

- You, more than anyone else should know that it's easier said than done for me!

- Yes, I know, but please come. This may be the last time we can see some people... like Eli for example... I'm sure he'd be happy if he sees you at the party.

- "Oh yes? And what makes you think that? The looks he's always looking at YOU? The way he smiles when seeing YOU? Thank you so much for the reminder!"

The urge to cry is blocking my throat and this last sentence comes out like a sob.

- But Ana, that's not what you think...

- Don't you have to prepare? It's almost twenty o'clock, you should go get ready.

- Ana...

She tries to add something, but I slam the door in her face and sink my blankets. I would love to be like her, she always gets what she wants and even what she doesn't want for that matter... Eli is the first boy I wanted to go out with but despite my efforts and all the signals I tried to send him, like everyone else, he preferred Gwen.

At least, this is what I thought... However, If I had gone to that party, I would have understood that Eli was talking to Gwen because he wanted to know if what he felt about me was reciprocal and not because he was interested in her. After that night, he left for Italy where his mother was living so I have never been able to confess my feeling to him.

From that experience, I have learned that "It's better to live with remorses than with regrets"

« Vaut mieux vivre avec des remorts qu'avec des regrets. »

Dommage, song by Big Flo and Oli

*The cat in Shrek