Me, myself and I (english version) [PAUSE]

Chapter 10: Tamara (2)

"You never know how strong you are until the day being strong is the only option."

Bob Marley

Tamara's Viewpoint (17 years old)

- Tae Il, do you know where Leo is? He isn't answering the phone, we had an appointment two hours ago and he didn't show up.

- No, we saw each other this morning but he went back home early to get ready for your appointment...

- But he didn't come, and you know he's never late...

- Don't worry, I'll call his mother, I'm sure everything's fine.

- I hope you're right, but I have a very bad feeling...

- I'll call you to get you updated.

I wait for about fifteen minutes before Tae Il calls me back.

- Hello?

- Tam, you must stay calm...

As soon as he utters this sentence, my heart starts beating at full speed. Tae Il never calls me Tam; besides, he never calls anyone by anything other than their first name. Therefore, if he uses that nickname, I know I have something to worry about...

- Please don't beat around the bush, tell me what's going on.

- Leo had an accident, he died.

Hearing these words, my heart stops beating. It's impossible, Leo can't be dead, we saw each other last night and we had to see each other today, I'm sure he'll come, he always comes...

- Hello? Tamara, are you still here?

I suddenly can't breathe anymore, my eyes become cloudy and then nothing.

When I open my eyes, a blinding light forces me to close them back. I take a few seconds to rest my eyes and then I make another attempt by opening my eyes more slowly this time. Looking at my surroundings, I realize that I am in a hospital room. Grandma Lola is sitting in a chair next to my bed and seems to be asleep, but I still decide to wake her up.

- Grandma? What happened?

My grandmother wakes up slowly before taking me in her arms and whispering to me.

- Oh, my kitten! You scared me so much! What happened?

The memory of Tae's words come back to me and I burst into tears in my grandmother's arms.

- He died granny! Leo is dead...

Grandma Lola does not utter a word but tightens her embrace and caresses my hair as if to tell me that she is and will always be there for me.

We remain in this position until the doctor arrives and asks to speak to me alone. Grandma comes out of the room and tells me she's going to come back with food.

- How do you feel, Miss Charlier?

- Just a little disoriented, but besides that, I'm fine. What happened to me?

- Nothing serious, you just fainted, and it was surely due to fatigue.

- Ok. What did you want to tell me?

- We did some blood tests to make sure you were okay. The results of these test indicate that you are pregnant.

It takes me a few seconds to understand his words.

- Me, pregnant? It's not possible, I am on birth control and I have never forgotten to take the pill, not even once!

- The pill has an efficacy of 99.7%. Consequently, the chances of getting pregnant by taking it are small, yet, they still exist.

I shake my head to show my lack of understanding, how could this happen?

- Given your young age, I thought you might prefer to discuss the different options available to you without your grandmother being here...

- How pregnant am I?

- You're nine weeks pregnant. You still have the option to apply for an abortion.

Hearing these last words, I place my hands on my stomach to protect this baby who is still only an embryo from the doctor's words... My thoughts go to Leo and tears come to my eyes: He left me a part of him before leaving... My decision is made:

- I don't want an abortion; I'm going to go through this pregnancy and have this baby.

- Are you sure about that? You still have some time to think about that more thoroughly.

- Yes I am sure, as sure as eggs are eggs.

The doctor gets out of the room leaving me pensive. Did I make the right decision? I hope so...

Grandma Lola and Tae are the only people who stayed by my side during my pregnancy. My parents disinherited me because I did not give in to their ultimatum to have an abortion. In high school, I became the laughingstock of everyone and Tae Il being in engineering school, I spent the school year on my own. My track and field coach was extremely disappointed when I told him the news. He called me irresponsible and promised me that I would regret my decision, but it would already be too late then. Despite all this, I did my best and I graduated high school with honors.

On the fourteenth of August, my little Leah was born. It was the happiest day of my life. Despite the pain, I was happy. A small tear slipped on my cheek when I recognized Leo's blue eyes in our daughter's, but the presence of Grandma Lola and Tae Il gave me a smile again.

Unfortunately, a few days after Leah was born, Grandma Lola had a heart attack and left us. It has been a very difficult time for me. I couldn't be separated from my daughter; I felt like she could be taken away from me at any time as easily as Leo was taken away from me and as fast as grandma Lola was pulled from me. Tae Il had to skip school too many times to come and help me out. At the same time, other people's gaze began to affect me: judgments, insults, mockery... I was no longer leaving the apartment that my grandmother had left me. Thanks to the legacy left by Grandma Lola, I took two years off school and was able to survive.

If Tae Il hadn't been there, I don't think I would have made it. He was like a brother to me and an uncle to Leah. He made me aware of how lucky I was. After all, I may have lost two loved ones but at least I'm here to take care of my daughter. In addition to that, at least I have known love while not everyone can say the same.

"It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all"

Augustine of Hippo

Back to the Present: Ana's View

We are sat on a bench when Tamara finishes her story:

- When I learned not to see only the negative, I decided to start college to become the woman grandma Lola would have wanted me to be and the mother Leo would have wanted for his daughter. Nevertheless, even when we try to move forward, the past is never that far away, which is why it's still difficult for me to let new people into Leah and my life.

- I understand, and I'm glad you told me all about it.

- Me too: I feel good now.