Me, myself and I (english version) [PAUSE]

Chapter 11: Where do you celebrate Christmas?

There are friends. There's the family. And then there are the friends who become family.

We are all gathered in Eric's living room like last weekend except that this time, Tamara arrived on time with Leah. This week I decided to change my hairstyle, so I braided my hair. When Leah saw my braids, she loved them so much that she decided she wanted them too. Therefore, I made her two braids and she said to me after giving me a big drooling kiss:

-You're the best, tata Ana!

Hearing these words, Eric exclaims with an exaggerated grimace:

-I thought I was the best?!

-But you don't know how to make braids uncle Eric! You're the best at carrying me high!

Immediately said, immediately done, Eric puts the little girls on his shoulders, and she bursts out laughing enjoying the fact that she can almost reach the ceiling with her hand.

This little girl is so cute!

Later in the day, we're all eating the chocolate pie (yes it does exist) that I brought back from home when Leah asks Tae Il:

-Uncle Tae, are you coming home for Christmas?

-Of course, little duckling and Uncle Eric will also come this year. Do you already know what presents you're going to ask Santa?

-Yes! I want a Christmas doll, legos, a baby, a coloring book, a bike and a scooter!

-Do you think Santa will be able to carry all those presents?

-Of course! Santa Claus is the strongest!

-That's right, you're right, little duckling and even if he cannot carry everything by himself, Im sure the Christmas elves will help him. That's what Christmas spirit is about: helping each other.

Tae Il behaves with Leah like a father would behave with his daughter: their relationship is so fusional, like the one I once had with my father. My thoughts begin to wander when Eric asks me:

-Pequeñita, what about you? What are you doing for Christmas?

-Me? I'm probably going to stay at home...

-You're not going back to Toulouse to celebrate with your family?

-Uh...

The others are waiting for my answer, but I don't know what to say. I don't want to talk about this kind of matter in front of Leah. I stare into Eric's eyes and say in Spanish, nodding toward Leah:

-Podemos hablar de eso después ?*

Eric understands the meaning of my gesture and stops asking questions. We continue to eat the pie as if nothing had happened, but I still feel my friends curious stare on me...

They all take it on the chin and sit tight until Leah is taking a nap. We sit in the living room, Tae Il and I on the couch, Tamara on the armchair and Eric on the floor. Not able to wait any longer, Eric asks me again:

-So why don't you go home for Christmas?

I know that if I think too much, I'll recall everything that happened and it's going to make me sad, so I just answer honestly without thinking twice:

-My home is here now. I don't have a family anymore...

-No family anymore? What about your mother?

Thinking about my mother, I become unhappy and my eyes begin to water. She was the kindest, most loving and most caring person I knew. She spent her time helping others, giving free piano lessons to children whose parents could not afford the classes. She wanted to make this world a better place. I always thought that one day she would spend time with my children so that they would become like her, however, in life, we don't always get what we want...

So, it is with a trembling voice due to holding back my tears, that I answer to Eric's question:

-She died with my father. They're all gone...

Tears start rolling down my cheeks and I let myself go in the arms that Tae Il opened to comfort me. I put my head on his torso and let my tears pour over his T-shirt. Sometimes I forget that they're all gone, sometimes when I get home, I expect to find Gwen sulking because Dad forbade her to go out one weeknight, mom playing the piano and dad playing video games. But I come back to reality when I enter my small quiet studio, far too quiet for me to feel at home ... When I realize that I have forgotten that they are no longer in this world, I feel guilty because I am here and not them. Because I was able to go to college and not Gwen, because I can play music like Mom would have wanted to continue to be able to, but I no longer enjoy it...

I don't know how long I cry, maybe thirty seconds, maybe ten minutes... All I know when I look up is that I met people who could become my new family, it will certainly not replace the old one, but it will help me to heal. Tamara's gaze crosses mine before she asks me:

-Do you want to spend Christmas with us this year? Tae Il, Leah and I have been spending it together for a few years now and Eric is joining us this year. I should have asked you earlier, but I thought you were going back to Toulouse ... Since it is not the case, you should celebrate with us!

I don't need to think twice, the answer comes naturally to me:

-I'd love to spend Christmas with you all!

Eric gets up abruptly and goes to his room. He comes back a few minutes later with a cap and says:

Fortunately, we waited to do the "secret santa"! Go ahead, draw!

We all draw a piece of paper and to be sure that our reaction does not betray us, we hide the pieces of paper. We will discover the name of the person to whom we will have to offer a gift in our respective houses.

*" Podemos hablar de eso después?": "Can we talk about that later?" in Spanish