sweet talk

and well you know it hurts sometimes

chapter sixteen

The sun flitted between the blinds and into the room, casting shifting shadows on the floor. But they were soon gone as the window was threw open and the sun shone freely, warm and good on Rigby's face. He climbed out, and sat on the edge, gazing down at the park below.

Mordecai was soon sitting next to him and they were quiet.

They were dried off, having used clean towels, and Rigby had to admit, he felt so much better than before. But the anxiety still lingered.

Because not even two, three, four showers could rid the awful feelings that ripped him into two.

Gazing upward, he huffed, his thoughts eating him whole. And the voice felt stronger, the one in the back of his head. At first it was a whisper, but now it felt louder, and more clear:

Go to the pond. Your friend wouldn't mind. Show him what fear truly is. Show him how much you are right.

Rigby hissed under his breath, and then felt Mordecai turn his gaze to look at him. "You okay?" He asked, gently.

"Not really," Rigby muttered, trying his best not to snap. "What are we going to do?"

"I don't know..."

They were quiet again, until Rigby realized that Mordecai's hand was shaking next to his, and he looked down.

"Are... are you okay?" He asked. The words felt almost foreign on his tongue, and he drew his gaze up to Mordecai's.

"Besides the fact that I'm about to literally talk about my feelings? Y-yeah." He swallowed.

"You're bad at that, aren't you?"

"Yeah. Definitely. It's a reputation thing, dude."

"'Course it is," Rigby chucked half-heartedly, and they were met with another long, awkward pause. He gazed out at the park again, tapping anxiously on the roof, then felt his hand slowly creep onto Mordecai's shaking one. He gently grasped it, heart pounding. "You don't have to tell me anything, dude."

He could feel the other's hand tense up beneath his, and he looked over. The blue jay's eyes were closed, his beak pulled into a tight frown. "I... I should. If I don't, it'll kill me."

It'll kill both of us, Rigby wanted to say but his words were caught in his throat. It'll crush us both with even more silence and rip me into two. Please tell me what you feel. Please.

Instead he said, "It's okay." As if that'll do anything.

"But it's not, dude. I..." Mordecai took a deep breath, and turned to face Rigby, pulling his hand closer, his fingers curling around the other's. "Rigby. Ever since when you passed out and had that... that nightmare or something, I haven't seen Margaret. She hasn't even texted me or anything and..." he stopped and Rigby realized it was because he was making a face. Almost as if something was sour, or disappointing.

But the blue jay wasn't even done. So why was he... assuming?

"And?" Rigby pressed on.

Mordecai hesitated. He ran a hand over his face, laughing in small frustration. "I can't do this," he said, shakily.

"No. Keep going. I'm listening," Rigby assured, quietly, and squeezed the other's hand. Mordecai looked down, and his hand reached for Rigby's other hand.

"A-and... and I just haven't heard from her. And then when we kissed so I could decide myself I-- fuck, Rigby. I liked it. I actually felt something. Something different than when I kissed Margaret, and... and all those other girls in high school..." Mordecai felt he was rambling so he clamped his mouth shut, tears pricking his eyes.

"It's confusing as all hell," he finished, and then tore his hands from Rigby's.

The raccoon was quiet, at first, not expecting that turn in conversation. He looked down, shifting in small conflict. He didn't know what to say. Mordecai liked his kiss. His best friend that he's known for so long, his best friend that he thought was straight and popular with the ladies liked his kiss. More than anyone else's.

Something warm overcame the cold feeling that had lingered inside him before, overwhelming him.

Then he turned to Mordecai again, only to see a tear trailing down the other's cheek. But before he could ask, the blue jay was already speaking.

"I... I want to help you, Rigby. Seeing you like this hurts. And I want to know... I want to help you," he said, shaking like crazy. And then a sob escaped his lips, more tears falling, "I...I don't know what we c-could do. What we will do. I'm worried and confused and... and... God, I hate talking about my f-feelings."

Rigby winced, the rays catching Mordecai's tears and his deep, glossed over eyes. He was so beautiful when he was sad, and it hurt.

"Hey. Hey, hey, dude. Stop crying. You're going to make me cry!" Rigby exclaimed, softly, and reached out for his hand again, only to hesitate. "I... I'm going to explain everything, ok? Don't worry about me. Don't stress--"

You're not worth his time. Go to the pond, Rigby. Your time should be spent with no soul.

Something cold trickled down Rigby's spine, and he continued, "Don't stress out. Please... I-I like you, dude--" his eyes widened, "--I like you. A lot more than I should. And I've felt this way for a long, long time. Ever since high school you were all I wanted. That kiss was all I wanted." Rigby heard his voice crack, and Mordecai's tears made his tears start to fall. Then he spoke again.

"I love you."

The words were said, and worlds imploded in Rigby's brain. He didn't take his eyes off of Mordecai, however, afraid of causing a scene as Mordecai processed the words that hung in the air.

The blue jay looked... shocked at this sudden confession, and Rigby braced himself for the storm, for the anger and confusion that would fly out of nowhere. He breathed in, and out, his heart pounding fast and loud.

"I... I love you too," Mordecai whispered.

Rigby's eyes widened, and the light caught them both, warm and free and all that was good. The anger was fluttering, was still there, but a relieving feeling overcame Rigby in a quick manner that overwhelmed him. His face burned.

But Mordecai continued, sputtering words that seemed incoherent but were still heard clearly, "I never knew you felt like this for so long. B-but I was an oblivious high schooler to begin with, I guess. And I never thought about you in that way until... until a few nights ago, I guess. And dude--" he turned fully to face Rigby, and grabbed his hands again, "--I love you too."

Now as the two gazed at each other, in longing, in a strange sort of fluttering joy that Rigby had never felt before. Both shed tears, both squeezed each other's hands to find it squeezed back, and then Rigby sobbed.

He wasn't sure why-- happiness? Relief? Fear? His anxieties, rolled into one, seemed to peak, but it was in a way he liked. He could barely describe it.

Maybe like how he could barely describe his own head, and the voices that seemed to whisper louder and louder.

Mordecai reached a hand up to Rigby's face, and his eyes were soft and glistening, and he leaned in. Rigby looked up, and he closed his eyes as they shared a gentle kiss, finding that comfortable position that worked for both of them.

And the sun rays caught their tears, and seemed to dry them up.

But only for so long.