Chasing waves

Better to try then not try

Charlotte pov

Watching the waves come and go is relaxing which is a understatement as it calms me down when I'm in the worse mood but I'm excited this time as my cousins and uncle are moving down here, even better they are moving next door, I miss them. It's been so long since I actually felt like a big family, my uncle was dads brother. He would come and visit us all the time and even come to my surfing competition when he could, I miss my parents, but my uncle was like a second dad to me, if my father couldn't do something then he would jump at the chance to be there.

As much as I am grateful for my grandparents, I just missed my uncle and dad as together they were just as bad as my mother and me, I thought me and my mother was completive but my dad and his brother was the worst. They would aways complete against each other wondering who was the best, everyone who was with me made everything into a competition which made it fun most of the times and there was never a dull moment in our family which a miss as since the passing of my parents something has changed, its no longer the same as it was. 

"What you thinking about" Hayden says to me, I look at him and then back to the ocean not sure how to tell them that I just want my parents to come back, I miss them a lot and each day I wonder what life would have been like if I gave up and joined my parents. I think I would have given my grandparents a heart attack if I didn't come back. 

"How much I miss my parents. Do you think they are proud of me" I respond to my cousin question as truthfully as I can because I know he will give me a honest answer, Hayden was always the one who told me it straight and I miss that, now since the accident he has been over protective with me, he's been holding his punches and right now I need honestly. 

"Charlotte of course they are proud" uncle says walking from behind me quietly and taking a seat next to me on my other side watching the ocean. Hayden doesn't say nothing but nods to what his dad said and I wish I could hear my parents tell me how proud they are off me, it has been hard and I need them. This teenage thing is the hardiest part of my life and its where I need my parents to tell me what ever I choose they will accept and understand. 

"Your dad would talk to me about how proud he was of you, he would send me photos and videos of you surfing, the smile on his face said anything" uncles says again putting his arm over my shoulders, I knew my dad recorded everything but I didn't know he sent them to my uncle. I knew my parents loved watching me surf but was they proud of me when I wasn't winning medals? 

"Will it ever get easier? A massive part of me feels like Its missing" I respond wiping the tear fall from my eyes as I think about the good times with my parents as they are still here, I remember everything about my parents but recently its has been more about the crash and what happened as I was out of it. I knew my parents would have hated grandad for telling me it was ok. 

"There are ways to feel closer to your parents, it could fill the hole or bring you peace" my cousin says patting my knee, trying to comfort me as I think he's trying to tell me something like returning to surfing would bring us closer as my parents loved watching me surf but the water scares me, the thought of failing scares. I fear it now. 

"Like what? Surfing. I haven't touched a surf board since they died, it was my fault they was killed, if I never went to nationals, they will still be here with us, you would still have a brother" I say with tears running down my face now, I can't hold them back. It feels like I'm the one who killed them as they was only driving because of me, if I didn't attend the competition then they would still be here teaching me everything they know about surfing. 

"Charlotte Anna-bell Lockhart" I hear and all three of us turn round to see my grandad stood with my mum sister sarah my auntie and her two children, and my mum brother Jason who taught me everything about surfing, they all stand there looking at me like I said something I shouldn't have said. 

"It was never your fault they died, they are so proud of the women you become" my auntie Sarah says, I stand up and walk over to her giving her a hug and she wraps her arms around me. I know she's only here because grandad rang her, everyone is here because of me and the nightmares, they want me to move forward but how. 

"We are all proud of you, your grandad called us and told us what's been happening, from your nightmares to you not surfing, your parents would want you to carry on surfing, not for them but you, it made them happy to see you happy" my uncle Jason says holding his arms out for me to hug, I walk to him giving him a massive hug, I have missed the time I spent with the family and I wish I could be spending a lot more time with them. 

"It's been two years, It's not the same without them here with me" I respond crying into my uncle Jason jumper getting tear Stains all over him but neither of us care at this point as he's rubbing my back. Everyone deals with grief in there own way and I haven't been dealing so way considering I died with them and then came back to life. 

"Charlotte, we are all here, all of us. We might not be your parents but we are family" my cousin Stefan says to me who's the same age as me and Sarah's son, when my parents was alive me and Stefan acted like twins and was pretty close but like anything else we drove apart when my parents passed. 

"All of us Charlotte" I hear from behind my aunt Sarah, everyone moved out the way and I see my other grandparents and all my cousins stood round each other, it's been forever since we have all been together like this and I really need it. 

Wednesday

It's been two days since everyone has come which I am grateful for but I still haven't touched a surf board. I know i'm being selfish as I know everyone has come to help me but I'm acting like I don't need help when I really do. I'm standing in the kitchen making breakfast, trying to do pancakes the way my mum used to do which I could never make them how she did but it's only 7am and everyone still in bed so no one sees my failed attempt as the fail attempt I hide them. I'm flipping my pancake when I hear someone come in, they don't say anything, just get a glass on water, whoever it is, is up early but I don't turn around to see who it is. 

"If you ever want help getting back on the board, I'll be happy to help" I hear an unfamiliar voice say, I turn round and see Darren, my cousin friend standing there watching me with a glass of water in his hand, I look him up and down maybe drooling a little as he isn't wearing a t-shirt. 

"Thank you, I might take you on that offer one day when I'm ready" i say back flipping my pancake on my plate and getting a glass of orange juice in case they don't taste nice, I need something to wash this down if I am right about this pancake. 

"No time like the present, meet in by the ocean in 30 minutes" I hear him say before walking off before I could object, I'm not sure if I'm ready yet. I finish my breakfast and walk out to the backyard and see him already waiting for me, I'm still not sure if this is going to work, I'm hoping this bring me closer to my parents. I guess letting a stranger who doesn't know me throw me in the deep end would at least help me a little but one step forward right. 

"My dad was a surfer, he passed few months ago. I stopped surfing but realised, surfing made me feel a lot closer to them. What you say? Give it ago" I hear him say not taking his eyes away from the ocean, I never knew his dad passed actually I don't know anything about him but apart of me is lucky he came as he knows what I'm feeling. 

"Baby steps though" I say back, I take a surf board and follow him out a little to where the waves are. I'm still not sure I'm ready. I made it out to the zone and I'm watching the waves, I take a small wave, but end up falling straight off and into the ocean face first, that hurts little but I get back up, not sure whether I want to carry on now.