The Winter's Widow (MISHBIR VERSION)

Part Eighteen~

Mishti sat atop the silky sheet, knees to her chest and soaking wet hair dripping around her to a beat she wished she did not recognise. Heat had warmed the right side of her face the second blood had pooled beneath the skin so her eye was clamped half-shut with a mauve bruise that trailed to a few inches above her jaw. She hadn't moved a bone or limb in far too many tick tocks of the grandfather, brass clock that faced her- a constant reminder of the time that was moving past.

Falling to his knees beside her, he clenched his fists in resolve to not touch her. "I'm so sorry" he was, but the five letter word didn't seem like enough, not after this, not anymore.

She did not say 'You have nothing to be sorry for' because she knew he did and she'd lived this tale before. "I know" she didn't look at him, she didn't need or want to see him so soft and charming after he'd became what she should have always known he would. Apologies littered her corpse beneath every single broken bone, cut, bruise and bite, but that didn't mean it wouldn't happen again, it always, always happened again.

"I don't expect your forgiveness" but there was nothing he wanted more. "Punish me however you see fit, just, just don't leave me, please?" He had no right to ask, beg or plead, but he did because he wanted her like he'd never wanted anything before.

"Okay" she blinked. It was as if she'd fallen back into old ways, what he asked felt like orders, what he said felt like wounds and what he did felt like pain. "I made your breakfast, your clothes are hung up, may I sleep?"

"Mishti" Abir's voice cracked upon each syllable. He didn't want this, she wasn't a slave, she was his wife, his clumsy girl who's laugh brought light into his darkness, she seemed so empty, so lost and it was all his fault. "Believe me when I say it really was an accident, it was meant to fall on the floor, never to hit you, I-".

"I know" she still wouldn't look at him. That wasn't what had really gotten to her, it was the fact that Sheila knew of her past somehow which had to have meant he told her, it was that in a fit of rage he had blamed her for the return of his Uncle, she was not angry or upset about the vase, she deserved it for pushing him into that state, but still she was exhausted from trying and failing to get things right. He had shared her truth with a stranger, had that not been enough revenge? Then the words which she knew to be true and finally the vase, would it ever end? Or had she done more bad than what she'd imagined? Perhaps she'd been too kind to herself? Stopped absorbing guilt and instead sucked up innocence so she wouldnt keep making excuses when hands turned to fists. Even now he was apologising when it should have been her on her knees, so that's exactly where she went.

His eyes glimmered with tears as he grabbed her shoulders to stop her falling at his feet "No, don't, you don't belong there, this isn't your fault, I should have been honest with you, but I was too scared you'd see me as weak and run, I wouldn't blame you" he smiled sadly, voice low, "I run from me too". Swallowing back sob after sob, his throat ached "I said horrible things, that wasn't okay, none of this is on you, I just wanted to hurt someone so I wouldn't hurt, I'm selfish, I know that and if I were you I'd leave, but I'm begging you, stay, stay with me, for me, I don't care why just stay, please? You can hate me if you want, but don't go, I won't make it if you're not here" as he looked at her emotionless expression he finally knew why this hurt so much, why it strangled him to the point where he could not breathe. Watching her stand and shuffle back to the bed, he rose too "Mishti, I'm falling in love with you".

Just like that she shattered, her heart clenched and bile rose in her throat. Unable to look at him, she froze, then whispered: "I am not the kind of woman people fall in love with" her hair whipped her cheeks as she turned, her eyes bleary with the agony she felt inside. "I'm not strong enough to handle anymore, I will do what you want, just please don't lie to me, if you want to hurt me, okay, but let me know".

"Mishti" he spoke her name mournfully. "God, I don't want to hurt you, I want to hurt me, but you shouldn't stay for me" the admission cracked his heart into two. "You have to live for you, if staying here with me will hurt you more" his head shook, "Then go, Mishti, go before I weaken again and stop you, all I want is for you to be happy, I'll survive if that isn't with me, I won't survive if it's not at all". Stepping toward her, he didn't bother to wipe away his tears "Can I hold you? Before you" he wouldn't say it, couldn't say it.

Mishti nodded, gasping as his muscly arms wrapped around her waist and his large hand cupped her head. For a few moments her hands were stiff beside her, but then they moved to his shoulders, pulling him that extra bit closer as he swayed with her like she was the most fragile thing in the world.

To him, she was.

"My uncle raped me" he continued their movements, never looking at her or stopping for a reaction. He owed her this, she deserved the truth, it didn't matter if she was disgusted afterwards. "My parents picked his side, blamed me, said he wasn't gay, I ran one day and never looked back, haven't spoken to them or him since, today was the first time, that's why I, not that it's an excuse, I just wanted you to know, other than my parents and my brother you're the only other person who does".

As he expected she pulled back, eyes searching his for what he did not know.

He grimaced at the mark on her face "Look what I've done to you" hot tears scratched at his stubble, itching at his chin, "I'm so sorry, Mishti, I, I never meant to, you have no reason to believe me, but I didn't, I wouldn't, I-".

Silencing him by bringing his head down, she pressed her lips to his forehead, this overwhelming urge to protect him washing over her with a purpose she'd never had before. Each tear that fell was for him, each kiss and each trace of his facial features that seemed like home, it was all for him, she was all for him. How could she leave him now? He'd been so open and honest with her which only validated her own desperation to be needed rather than wanted. "I am here now, I'll keep you safe, just like, just like you keep me safe" she vowed.

Abir stumbled back in shock "You don't feel ill? You believe me?"

"I believe you, ill? No, no, I, never" she gripped his hand.

"After how I hurt you, how can you stay? You shouldn't, not out of pity, I'll be fine, I will" he wouldn't, he knew that, but she didn't need to.

"Do you want me to go?"

He shook his head.

"Then I'll stay" Mishti cupped his face, "But we have to talk, not now, another day, now" she led him to the bed, pulling him into a seating position. "I want to sleep". Today had been a lot, the last few days had been a lot, she had a lot to think about and a lot to talk about, but now wasn't the time, they were both tired and hurting and it was her time to be there for him as he had been there for her, she could do that, she would do that, maybe that made her a fool? But she just needed one more night in his arms where everything felt okay.

He knew that when they did talk everything could change, she could still leave and if she did, she'd take his heart with her. So, he would follow his own advice and worry about now rather than later. Lying straight beside her, he sighed in relief when she interwined their fingers. "We'll be okay?"

Choosing to stay silent, she squeezed his hand, hoping that would soothe him without giving either of them false hope.