And So She Slept

Page Nine

Opening the cover of the binder, Sadie allowed herself a deep exhale to prepare for the flooding of emotions that accompanied even the easiest of goodbyes. It's not that she didn't want to read it, but seeing the parting words of her friends and acquaintances only made her diagnosis more real. Letting the television fill the still silence in her loft, she took a sip of water and read the first card.

Smiling softly as she remembered some of the kind words that Krystina and Jack had read aloud to her after her Bon Voyage party, she thought that perhaps looking at them wouldn't be as painful as she'd anticipated. Turning the cards like pages, she ran her fingertips over the ridges in their raised, and sometimes glitter, fronts like the texture of paint on a canvas. Card after card, she read the sentiments and memories of people she'd known since childhood.

Turning the eighth card over, she looked at page nine. The card was bright pink and had clearly been designed by a preteen. It looked vaguely familiar, and the more Sadie looked at it, the more she realized who it was from. Trying to ignore the stinging headache she could feel in the back of her head, she grinned at the effort her favorite teacher from middle school had made to resurrect the memories of adolescent art class. Her eyes focused in and out as she tried to remember the name of the pink paint color she'd loved enough to use on everything through that school year. Peony pink, she thought to herself as two red drops splattered into the center of the card's front.

Her headache getting stronger, she looked at the red liquid with a confused creased brow until she touched her nostrils to reveal the source. A nose bleed. The doctor had warned her about certain symptoms she should be aware of, and as much as she wanted to ignore it, she knew this warranted a visit to the emergency room. With her head pounding even harder, she called a cab to take her as she texted Krystina and Jack to let them know where she was going. Waiting the three minutes before her cab arrived, she laid the binder, page still open to nine, on the couch to keep her spot until she returned.

As her cab arrived, Sadie struggled to walk down the stairs to the front door. The ground seemed to simulate a terrible case of vertigo, and she had to talk to herself to stay alert. Releasing a sigh of relief as she made it to the door of the yellow cab, she paid the driver in advance and told him to take her to the emergency room. Showing a bit of concern, the driver monitored his passenger in his rear view mirror and sped a little faster than usual to the hospital. As Sadie laid her head back on the seat, she closed her eyes, slipping slowly in and out of awareness.

Opening her eyes, Sadie surveyed the scene around her. She was in a hospital, hooked to IVs and unaware of how long she'd been there. As she moved her head to the right, she saw Jack sitting in the chair next to her, sleeping. With disheveled dark hair, and three empty coffee-stained paper cups next to him, she knew she had to have at least slept there for the night. As she tried carefully to move without waking him, she softly pressed the call button on the side of her hospital bed.

Within moments, a nurse briskly walked in with a clipboard. Looking at Sadie holding a finger to her lips to indicate silence, she motioned that she'd be right back and left to page the doctor. Sadie waited impatiently while looking over at Jack as he slept in a chair that could not have been more comfortable than a wooden church pew. His athletic frame contorted into a position that would most definitely make him sore later, Sadie watched his eyes drift from side to side underneath his eyelids.

Walking into Sadie's room, the doctor shook her hand and was quiet enough to only speak to her without waking Jack. He spoke to her about her symptoms that caused her episode and reaffirmed that he was glad she came in as soon as she did. With the information he had within his files, he showed Sadie the images from the tests they'd run as she'd been in their care. Listening to his voice, she tried to stay focused and take in everything he was telling her, but one thing became clear...she no longer had as much time as Dr. Lawrence had estimated.

As the doctor verified that she understood everything he'd reviewed with her, including her new medications that she'd need to take and hospice options, Sadie sat up in her bed. She looked at Jack, and wished that she could just slither away and disappear to leave him in the beautiful dream state he was in. Almost as if he could feel her eyes, he opened his and shared her gaze sweetly for a moment, and then expressed his concerned.

"Can we go? Are you ok?" he asked, sitting up in his chair, cracking his neck to the side.

"They'll probably discharge me soon, he said. Apparently this kind of thing is going to happen more and more now."

"But you're ok, right?"

"I...he said I have less time than we thought I had..." Sadie spoke, fighting back tears. She knew what was was ahead of her, but hearing that it would be sooner, ripped her apart. It felt like she was hearing the news all over again.

"How much time, S? You can tell me. Please."

"Maybe a couple weeks. He wants me to stay optimistic, but to make arrangements to take these new meds and think about hospice. Also, no more driving for me. I can't trust my vision anymore. I just don't know what to do...I'm so scared, J" Sadie answered honestly.

Jack stood immediately to be as close to her as he could. He helped her sit up and start getting back into her clothes while still maintaining a polite gentleman demeanor. Once she was dressed back into the pajamas she was admitted in, she sat on the side of the bed next to him.

"I started reading the binder, you know. I didn't get very far, but you guys were right. I know why Krystina wanted me to read it...I really thought about saying screw the ACCI and going through each of these pages with you," Sadie said, looking directly into his eyes.

"Why don't you then? Just pick any page and I'll go wherever you want. I would do anything for you."

"I'm scared of more than death. I'm scared of you finding me one day when I don't wake up. They said it could be anytime. I don't want you to see me like that. I don't want that. I refuse to be some sad frail thing in hospice waiting to go. Every time you'd see me, I'd hate myself for letting you. I just don't want to go yet," Sadie spoke honestly, her voice slightly quivered.

"Any day with you would be better than any day without you. You have to know that. I'll support you in whatever you choose, but you have to know that," he answered, pushing her hair behind her ear.

"I want the days we spend together to be...different. I wish we could have thought about doing this stuff before I got sick. Talking to the ACCI made me feel like maybe...maybe we could have that chance."

"I know. I want you to live your life to the fullest no matter how long or how short, but I also selfishly want to believe in the possibility that this could give us that. I just want you to be happy. No matter what the cost. Whatever you need from me, it's yours. Always." Jack swore.

"I need you to help me get Krystina. Take me to the ACCI on Wednesday, ok? I'm too afraid to let this play out this way...I can't. I tried. I'm so sorry, Jack. I just can't."

Driving Sadie back to her loft, he listened to everything he could do to help her prepare for her long stay at the ACCI. He was terrified that it could kill her, but knowing how scared she was to learn her fate, he knew it was up to her to make her own choice.

As they arrived and parked, he admired the way the streetlights glowed off of her ivory skin the way they did the night of the party. He couldn't let her go, and if stalling his proposal for four years meant a second chance at the life he wanted with her, he would wait. He would let her sleep.