"Have you been writing in your journal?"
I shook my head.
"Why's that?"
Ms. Maggie gave me a journal to write down how I'm feeling. I'm supposed to be writing daily. I've been seeing my therapist since I was 10 years old. Here I am, 11 years later still going through therapy.
"It felt like things were getting better, I just thought it wouldn't be necessary to write anymore."
She nods her head and wrote on her notepad.
"I got a role on a tv show, I got my first check from the network and that allowed me to help pay for our bills and stuff. We're caught up with the rent, I got some new friends- uh I-
She stopped writing and looked at me.
"I'm having a sense that something else happened."
I was hesitant to tell her my other problem, because every time I talk about it, it hurts me.. A lot.
I sighed. I'm eventually gonna have have to tell her soon, but I'll just do it now, just to get it over with. Think of it like you're ripping off a bandage.
I told her everything. I thought maybe if I told someone then the pressure would get off my chest, but I feel like the weight of it was getting heavier. I didn't notice a tear slipped out until Ms. Maggie gave me a tissue. The only thing I could think about right now is Lucy and Luis. If anything happens to them, I'll never forgive myself.
"You said that Lila wanted to talk to you right?"
I nod my head.
"Aren't you curious to know what she wanted to say."
I shrugged my shoulders.
"That's the thing, every time I see her face all I could think of is what they did to me when I was a kid. Every time I hear something from them I just pictured the times she held me against the wall, her alcoholic breath hitting my face telling me how worthless I am, but not only that! I could also hear my brother and sister's screams while they get raped by that asshole. I— I"
I couldn't finish my sentence as I started to break down. I could feel my heart beating abnormally, my hands sweating, my breathing is getting out of control.
Ms. Maggie quickly sat next to me.
"Lucas, Hey! Count with me. 1 2 3...."
I counted with her until I regained control of my breathing but I couldn't stop crying.
~~~~~~~~~~Home~~~~~~~~~~
After my therapy session, Ms.Maggie recommend that I should be getting into a habit of writing in my journal again. The only reason why I stopped is because I got lazy of writing. I was over it, but if I want to get better I gotta start doing what I have to do. During my session, not only I talked about my mom- Oops sorry I mean Lila, we also talked about Valerie. I've always helped people get out of their toxic relationships, the fact that it took me this long to realize that I'm also in one too.
The first time Val cheated, I let that one slide because I'm the type to give second chances and shit. Then came the 2nd time around, she blamed it on the alcohol and I was stupid enough to forgive her. The third time came, which is the recent one, made me open my eyes more. Camila and Kirby gave me a reality check not to too long ago. I was told that even though I don't show any vulnerability most of the time but they could see that deep down I'm hurting really bad. I'm guessing that the hurt I'm feeling is that heavy weight on my shoulders and I need to get that off of me before I fall back into depression.
