Moving On - A Holland Fanfic

Moveless

Holland's POV

Maybe it isn't weird that I'm staring at a stuffed animal, named 'Tree'. It's completely natural, I would say. Also if I start talking to him.

I have the feeling he tries to tell something to me. He's only here for half an hour and he cares already about me. I had the same feeling about Jisoo. He could talk to me as if he knew me since we were little.

'What do you want to do today?' I ask him. But he doesn't say anything. It's not very different compared to how it was before Jisoo moved in. 'You don't want to do anything? It can be whatever you want.' I get up and make some coffee. I have to wake up a bit more for me to think straight.

You have to do things. I'll watch. With the cup in my hands I stare at Tree, I'm astonished. He didn't say a thing, but I can read his mind.

'What do you want me to do?' I keep staring at him till he reponds, but he doesn't of course. He only talks when I turn my back to him.

Suddenly I burst out laughing. What am I doing? Jisoo hasn't left for an hour yet and I'm going crazy. Something must be wrong. Maybe I feel that he shouldn't be out there without me. I shouldn't be out there without him either. 

I hit my own forehead. I'm getting to attached, and that's something I didn't want. Whenever I get close to someone, I get hurt afterwards. I should think straight. I can't let him come into my heart, although I don't know how I can call this feeling.

Tree glances at me. Maybe he's the only one I am allowed to start depending on.

Make a spinning wheel. Write everything you want to do on it. And let fate choose.

'That's sound like a good idea. I have nothing else to do anyway.' I tell myself that I can't be so pessimistic. There are so many things I can do, but I just choose not to do them. I'm lazy sometimes. But mostly I don't do them, because it's too hard to be reminded of the past. Then it hits my heart and I feel down for an entire day.

While I think of it, I start getting dizzy. I need someone by my side right now, but I can't. I have no one. I only have Tree. He is the only one who will never leave me.

I accept his idea and I make a spinning wheel. I put things on it that I haven't done for a long time. For example: playing darts, painting the house, freshing up the yard...

I step back when it's finished. It looks good, but the mood will change as soon as I make it spin. 'Do you want to spin it, Tree?' I take my stuffed animal and only his arm touches the wheel. I trust him.

It spins, it spins. It spins. It stops. It points at 'listening to Korean music'. 

What now?

The fate chose it.

I can't neglect this.

I have to admit this is not the activity I wanted to do, but it seemed fair that I put things on it I don't like. I've never expected it to be a real thing to do.

I throw Tree against the wall, softly. I take it from the floor as fast as possible. I never meant to be mad. I give Tree a seat next to me on the chair in front of the computer. I switch it on. I don't have to think a long time to know what K-pop song I will listen to. If I have to choose, it's SHINee.

I play the music and I sit back. I remember all the words. I didn't forget the littlest thing. I close my eyes while I'm listening. It feels good and bad at the same time. I think my emotions are messed up. 

It's because I neglected the things I liked to feel better, and I feel better, but not the better I want. 

Right now I look in the mirror and my heart starts pounding. Who is the real me? Do I live as the real me?

Jisoo's POV

The meal tastes good. The atmosphere is good. I haven't thought about Tae-seob for a long time. I only think about him when I think about food. What would he be eating? Maybe I can take something to eat with me when I go home.

Minjoon is distracted. Not by a book, but by his phone. 'Are you waiting for someone?'

He shakes his head. 'I'm just watching some pictures.' Without me asking he shoves his phone in my direction. Only pictures of K-pop idols, male idols.

I don't want to make assumptions, but the way he's looking at his phone means something. I would have never guessed that he's like this. Maybe he's not my entire opposite. I feel as if it's the right moment to tell him about my addiction. To support him I show him my phone's camera roll. Should I be ashamed? I'm in love with my landlord, a former idol.

His gaze changes. 'You look up to him?'

'I do.'

'I look up to all of them.' He says. The atmosphere changes as well. This is not going into the direction I thought it would go.

'You like them?'

'This may sound weird, but-'

'Don't feel ashamed.' I tell him, because I try to console him. Can I call it like that?

'What I mean is -' 'You like guys?' 'I want to become an idol myself.'

We speak at the same time. We stare at each other. Now I should feel ashamed.

'Yeah, that's what I thought.' I tell him, looking in another direction. I do not sound too convinced.

'Wait, you thought I liked boys, especially Korean artists?' He smiles. I don't think he hates me because of my assumption. He takes it lightly.

'I don't know.' I burst out laughing. I will never tell him anything before I know what he really tries to say.

'But you are?' He puts his phone down. His focus is on me.

'I am what?' I take a sip from my soda.

'You are in love with the guy you just showed me? It's Holland, right?' Of course he knows him if he wants to become an idol himself. I shouldn't have done that.

'I can't be in love. I have the feelings every fan has. They think they will get married, but that's not something that will happen in real life. You know?' He shrugs. He slurps his noodles, not taking his eyes off of me.

He coughs. 'I think he must live around here. It's not unrealistic then.'

This is the right moment again. I can tell him I moved. That I moved to Holland's house. Just because I knew he lived there.

First I thought that it were normal feelings every fan has. They think they will fall in love as soon as they meet their idol. When that happens, they mostly don't fall in love, but they are enthusiastic, like a normal fan. But in my case, I actually fell in love. He was exactly the guy I thought he would be. I wasn't addicted anymore, I just loved him secretely. And I still do. The only thing that bothers me is that Tae-seob won't admit his feelings. He won't, because people betrayed his trust. That's why I need to make efforts. I'm not home, so he can think about it. So he can fall in love with me. He needs me.

Suddenly Minjoon opens his eyes wide. Apparantely I said this all out loud.