Star Wars: Not Quite A Shadow (WIP)

EPILOGUE: Book 1

Epilogue: Book 1

(From Obi-Wan's journal, 2 months after the Battle of Naboo ended)

Qui-Gon had always tried to tell me how difficult letting someone go would be. I never imagined I would have to learn this lesson so quickly, watching him be murdered by Darth Maul. The anger...no, the rage I felt well up within me was almost overwhelming. Only after Maul's death, and having to hold my master in my arms as he died did I fully understand how one could easily fall to the Dark Side in their anger. It took days to channel my anger and sadness in more constructive ways. Qui-Gon made me promise that I would train Anakin. I agreed, though I still had reservations about doing so. He also made me promise to take care of Petra. She seems lost in her own grief, however; the transition to life on Coruscant has not been easy for her. I've tried to talk to her, but she won't listen or respond to me. I'm at a loss as to how to reach her. I never thought Qui-Gon's death would impact her so deeply. She has willingly allowed me to take over Anakin's training and upbringing, yet I've been unsure of how to proceed with her. The Council granted her permission to stay in the female wing of the Temple, and Stass Allie has, in a way, taken it upon herself to take care of Petra.

Petra is Force sensitive; there can be no doubt about this. I felt it when we met, and I felt it again when I told her of Qui-Gon's death. Her empathy and compassion for others, in spite of what she's experienced, are characteristics crucial to any Jedi. Stass seems to believe she would be a talented Force healer in the medical wards, but she has not spoken of it to Petra. Stass has left the decision of pursuing that with me. I don't believe the Council will grant her training, considering that it was difficult to convince them to allow Anakin's. I'm incredibly concerned about her though; she seems tired and restless, and I have yet to see her eat anything more than a few bites at each meal. I've spoken to Stass about this, and she assured me it was normal with someone who was grieving loss. She would encourage Petra to eat and find a way to help her rest.

I was knighted shortly after Qui-Gon's funeral, though I don't feel as prepared as I initially thought, and I now fully understand Qui-Gon's frustrations with me as a Padawan. Anakin has been a difficult pupil to say the least: stubborn, unmoving, often unpredictable. His emotional attachments to both his mother and sister have proven to be a challenge for me to help him overcome. His sister's presence on Coruscant has not helped the situation at all, though she has not interfered in any way; to the extent that I hardly ever see her except at a distance. I am surprised to admit this, but...I miss her. Deeply. When I know I will see her, I anticipate it greatly, and I ache when we are apart. It hurts when I see her from afar but she doesn't acknowledge me or make any attempt to come to me. I have kept my distance because I don't wish to cause her any further grief; any time I am around her, she seems pained by my presence.

My meditations have been disrupted lately because of this. I find I cannot sleep because I cannot think about anything or anyone else. I have to force myself to focus on training Anakin, and I know I cannot afford to let myself be distracted, especially by another woman.

But try as I might, she has wound herself around my heart and I am not sure how to disentangle her without removing my heart at the same time.

                                                                               ᐓᐓᐓᐓᐗᐗᐗᐗ

(From Petra's journal, 2 months after the Battle of Naboo ended)

Coruscant never sleeps, even at night. Unfortunately, I haven't slept much either. I've had a harder time dealing with Qui-Gon's death than I thought I initially would. Stass thinks I saw him as a sort of father figure and that's why I've had such a difficult time accepting his death. Maybe she's right. Maybe I looked at him as the father I never had or knew. After all, Shmi adopted me when I was a young child, and I never knew my biological parents. Or at least, I don't remember them. Anyway, it's no use dwelling on the things I don't know or the things I've never had. The life of a Jedi seems rather dull to me. Maybe I'm too used to my routine on Tattoine, however I don't miss the work. I seemed to always be relatively busy, but here? I'm lucky if I'm occupied for more than an hour a day. Anakin seems to be adjusting fairly well to his new environment, even though I've heard that Obi-Wan is a rather strict teacher. Anakin needs that in his life. I think he and I have the same problem: no father. He needs someone to teach him discipline and self-control and I believe he has that in Obi-Wan.

*sigh* Obi-Wan. There is a man I don't understand at all. Part of me wishes to know him better, to hopefully understand the man behind the Jedi facade. I know there is more to him than he lets on. I've seen him from a distance with Anakin; there is firmness but also kindness. I've seen how he interacts with others, there is a compassion to his treatment of others. I've ignored him because I've felt it would be better in the long run. He doesn't need me to interfere with Anakin's training. Stass has been very kind in trying to give me things to do, but I keep finding myself wondering what Obi-Wan is doing when he's not wrestling with my brother's stubborn streak. I doubt he thinks about me, even in passing. And why should he? I think I've been, or rather "we've" been an irritation to him since he and I met. But I miss the ease of conversation I found with him when we were on board the Queen's ship. I remember thinking then that I hoped I would have him as a friend when everything calmed down. I still wish it each day I go without seeing him or talking to him. When we do talk, it's no longer as easy as it used to be. There is something between us, a silent wall of difficulty that I don't know how to tear down. It's almost as if...he's been avoiding me. He seems nervous and uneasy around me, more so than when we first met. I thought it was just due to what I used to be, but now? Now, I'm not so sure.

I realize my experience with males is limited, at least in terms of healthy relationships. Is this how it's supposed to be, even between friends? Does he look at me and only see what I was used for? Is that why he's become so distant? I hate to admit this, but...I miss him. I miss the friendship we seemed to have started only a couple of months ago. I....no. I can't allow myself to even think about venturing down that road again, not after what happened the last time. I can never let myself get close to another man. Obi-Wan may be the most honest man I've known, but he's still a man. They can't be trusted.

My head knows all the right answers, but my heart? My heart is the thing that will get me into trouble if I'm not careful.

                                                                       ᐓᐓᐓᐓᐗᐗᐗᐗ