let me chase you

The scared feeling

Kartik pov

It's been weeks since our first date or well friends date, whatever. It felt so wrong saying that and I don't know what I saw on your face when I said that. It vanished so soon from your face I couldn't figure out what it really was. Maybe it was disappointment, maybe something else.But God I so want it be what I want it to be.

But I am scared Aman. I have had my horrifying experiences that makes me so scared. I know I am not a good judge. Hell I didn't know my Best friend was bisexual until now. And I have known her for so long.

And then I don't want to lose what we have been gaining. Those small talks, those Amitabh bhachan qoutes, those jokes we share, those tea moments we have.

I love the way you laugh when you are talking about your crazy family, the way you scrunch your nose at the smell of coffee, the way you raise your eyebrows when you are understanding something, the way you smile at people, the way your eyes jumps from person to another as you talk to people.

I have never fallen in the way I am falling for you.

I am not falling for your dimple smiles. I am not falling for you crazy expressions. I am not falling for your silent charm. I am not falling for your ear ring.

I am falling for you. I am falling for your clumsiness. I am falling for your kindness. I am falling for your shyness. I am falling for your love for mustard colour. I am falling for your crazy family. Got what would I not give to meet them someday.

But I am scared Aman. This all is giving me hope. And only I know what to expect from hope. It's always crushed, shattered in pieces. Just as much as it gives you light, it also slowly pushes you to darkness.

I am scared of hoping, I am scared of loving because for everyone out there my love is wrong, it's a sin.

☆☆☆

"Aman, what do you think of lgbtq people?" I asked the other day. I know I was very sudden but I couldn't point why your pen dropped that you were playing with, why did your eyes widened. Was it my suddenness or where you hiding something.

"Why do you ask?" You asked as you recovered from your shock.

"Just like that, no reason"

You looked in my eyes. You where searching something, I don't know what. But you where.

"I never really thought about that topic, didn't feel the need to" you said and went back to your documents. I wanted to ask more, but I pulled myself back. I don't what kind of answer I was expecting. Definitely not the one you gave me.

☆☆☆

That day at the Diwali party I saw you in that Kurta. I swear I tried so hard to not get me. But all I could think about was--no let it be you are too innocent for that.

I think that was the only time I don't remember what our conversation was about. I think you were talking about your dad's experiments and how you have cauliflower. But all I could register was how soft and kissable your lips looked.

I don't think I have ever been so grateful to Sam as I was at that moment. I don't what I would have done it she had not intruppted us. Yeah I got a long ass lecture from her. But this time I didn't even try to defend myself. Because she is right I am losing myself way too much now.

But the thing is I don't mind. Because I am losing to you.

At this point I don't think I even care if you would ever be mine. Maybe I would always be on the sidelines watching you, loving you. Knowing that you would never love me back.

But that's ok. There is no true love for people like me. All we can do is secretly watch our loved ones becoming someone else's loved ones. And the saddest part. We can't do anything about it.

Maybe someday I would goodbye to you. But right now I just want to live what I have with you.

Is it so wrong? Is it a sin?

If it is a sin then I would gladly go to hell.

♡♡♡

Hi !!
Yeah I know it's not really a continuation of the story line. It's just what all is in kartiks head.
I know it's not like kartik. He is too bubbly and flamboyant for this shappy shit.
But I just can't imagine kartik always being happy-go-lucky. I mean even the happiest people have doubts about themselves.
And kartik being gay at the when it was illegal and all.
It's impossible for him to not have doubts.
Hell even now when it's legal the lgbtq community people still have these doubts.
And it's normal and ok. You are not alone. Just hang in there.